where I belong



Sometimes I wonder where I belong.

I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a sister-in-law. I've been a guardian, and I'm a pretty good friend (most of the time). I'm also a teacher, editor, writer, and countless other titles. So I know where I belong as far as these roles are concerned. But do you ever wonder where you stand with a particular person on a person-to-person level?

Not that it is essential to my role, but I wonder if my children actually like me. There are things that teach me that they do, like when we laugh at the sad things or when they say sorry for not realizing my humanity. I wonder about them every so often, but in the end, I believe that when they are all grown up we will continue to love each other and enjoy each other's company.

I wonder sometimes about who merely tolerates me but I can't tell that and inadvertently believe they actually like me. There have been times when I have felt so close with someone who ended up rejecting and recanting their affection for me in various ways. This occurrence has not been often, but it has happened enough that I trust I am not cared for by all who profess to care. And that is why I wonder where I belong at times.

I have been told that I am too difficult. I have been told through words and actions that I am not invited or that I am unwanted. I have seen and perceived times when I do not belong.

Understanding these things about myself, when I have a persistent sense that I do belong, I find it easy to push through obstacles that try to keep me from where I know I am at home. It is not easy for me to be confident about where I belong until it is. There is nothing quite like feeling justified in your intuition and sense of belonging. I hope to prove myself right time and again, yet it feels even better when others provide the evidence to back it up.

Wondering where I belong is natural when life has been so harsh and continues on as per usual, so I hope in all my wondering you realize how much I hope that I actually do.




3 comments:

  1. These moments of response (as Wallace Stegner called them) are important, if difficult. Wondering where we fit into our many worlds is one of those constant journeys that we find ourselves on.
    Kevin

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  2. We had that moment last night as we were in our local high school. As we moved from meeting to meeting, talking with people and other students, it led to the "where do we belong" conversation when we got home. It's a hard conversation to have, after 17 years in a place, wondering if this is place where you fit in.

    However, like you, I keep believing that I do belong, and that as time continues to go on, I'll feel that sense of belonging.

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  3. I get it. Over the years, I've wondered the same thing but I have more and more realized in the last 5 years ... I belong in my house, with my family, doing our own thing.

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