As I awoke from dreaming this morning, I recognized a familiar face in the world in which I slept from many years ago. I hadn't forgotten about him, but I also had never allowed myself to really feel the depth of what happened between us. Until now . . .
I crushed on him as a sophomore in high school. I had a boyfriend with whom I was madly in love, but it was okay because he was two years older, and in high school years, that might as well be two decades. So that's as far as I ever thought about him—until after graduation, after my long-time boyfriend and I broke up for the umpteenth time (we had a seriously passionate love/hate relationship for being so young), after I had turned into a very different sort of girl, after I forgot who I was.
My love/hate relationship boyfriend and I were in the midst of one of our maybe this time is the last time because it sure feels like it should be the last time break ups. Is that enough said? I think I set up the background well with that. I feel ridiculous right now. Please don't laugh. I was only 19 years old at the time . . . so anyways.
I had been rejected, felt quite dejected, and was left wanting a home for my damaged heart. The problem with this scenario is where I went looking. My circle of friends with whom I regularly spent time had become microscopic post-graduation: my boyfriend (ex for the moment), his sister-in-law, his best friend, and his best friend's wife. At the time, I couldn't see how isolated I had made myself, so it wasn't strange for me to still go spend time with these people even though he and I were broken up. I reflect on it now, and think WHAT WAS I THINKING?! and WHERE WERE ALL MY TONS OF OTHER FRIENDS?! Oh yeah, I was an expert idiotic young adult, and I had pushed them all away (There were a few I kept at arm's length, but very few).
On just a random evening while wanting for company, I drove my chocolate brown VW Bug over to the best friend's house to hang out with my friend Jen (the best friend's wife). I don't remember much except for eating spaghetti squash for the first time, trying to act like I wasn't lonely, and then, just as I was thinking about leaving, being noticed by the best friend's older brother who, until that night, I only ever thought of as my impossible high school crush.
I know that sounds terrible, but it's true. He was trapped in my mind as an objectified crush who was too old for me and had a girlfriend, so he was just there to be appreciated for his good looks, yet completely unnoticed as a person who needs friends and love.
But a miracle happened—in my dejectedness, he spoke to me—opening my eyes more fully to the beautiful creature that he was.
. . . to be continued next week.
I crushed on him as a sophomore in high school. I had a boyfriend with whom I was madly in love, but it was okay because he was two years older, and in high school years, that might as well be two decades. So that's as far as I ever thought about him—until after graduation, after my long-time boyfriend and I broke up for the umpteenth time (we had a seriously passionate love/hate relationship for being so young), after I had turned into a very different sort of girl, after I forgot who I was.
My love/hate relationship boyfriend and I were in the midst of one of our maybe this time is the last time because it sure feels like it should be the last time break ups. Is that enough said? I think I set up the background well with that. I feel ridiculous right now. Please don't laugh. I was only 19 years old at the time . . . so anyways.
I had been rejected, felt quite dejected, and was left wanting a home for my damaged heart. The problem with this scenario is where I went looking. My circle of friends with whom I regularly spent time had become microscopic post-graduation: my boyfriend (ex for the moment), his sister-in-law, his best friend, and his best friend's wife. At the time, I couldn't see how isolated I had made myself, so it wasn't strange for me to still go spend time with these people even though he and I were broken up. I reflect on it now, and think WHAT WAS I THINKING?! and WHERE WERE ALL MY TONS OF OTHER FRIENDS?! Oh yeah, I was an expert idiotic young adult, and I had pushed them all away (There were a few I kept at arm's length, but very few).
On just a random evening while wanting for company, I drove my chocolate brown VW Bug over to the best friend's house to hang out with my friend Jen (the best friend's wife). I don't remember much except for eating spaghetti squash for the first time, trying to act like I wasn't lonely, and then, just as I was thinking about leaving, being noticed by the best friend's older brother who, until that night, I only ever thought of as my impossible high school crush.
I know that sounds terrible, but it's true. He was trapped in my mind as an objectified crush who was too old for me and had a girlfriend, so he was just there to be appreciated for his good looks, yet completely unnoticed as a person who needs friends and love.
But a miracle happened—in my dejectedness, he spoke to me—opening my eyes more fully to the beautiful creature that he was.
. . . to be continued next week.
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