As I begin this week, I realize that I haven't a clue how I will make it through the hoops. Pressures from every side are bearing down. Homework, emotionality, projects, fun, chores, appointments, opportunities, missed busses, laughter, tormenting communications, backtalk, disparagement, loneliness, idiocy, aspirations, hope, let downs, wishing, wanting, finances, broken hearted. What a mixed up mess of things this life has become. And yet, somehow this is my normal. And I must find a way to be happy in the midst of it.
Seeking to Become - February 2014
I've been struggling to find kindness anywhere within my heart for certain people as of late. I feel bad about it, too. My imperfection shouts for me to be more loving and tolerant. Forgiveness is something that I need and desire from others, so who am I to harbor negativity? I continually return to thoughts on how to overcome my undesirable habits of getting angry and allowing myself to swear and speak unkindly of the person(s), as well as holding onto false expectations that they want peace and harmony in the way I see it happening. This effort to be kind doesn't mean I intend to throw myself under the bus, no. But there is something to be said for turning my thoughts and words to a higher purpose whenever I find myself struggling with negative thoughts. I want to turn in the opposite direction from malice and become forgiving in the moment and move away from any tendency to let the problems sink in.
So, I looked up the term malice in the topical guide of my scriptures and found this lovely gem:
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:31-32
There are no better words of admonishment that I can find. I hope you might support me in the effort to put away negativity toward others and learn to truly forgive.
caught in the breeze
a whispering floated across the hills
with the wind and was pinned to the blue sky
captured in the sun's darting rays
at the brink of the start of this new day
it said to take hold of
the moments as they come
to listen, love, and learn something more
take time to breathe deeply
and without hesitation
look into the eternities
with affection and anticipation embrace
the adventure which presses against the glass
waiting to be let out into
the rain to dance and sing
to let go of fear completely
remembering to live deliberately
with the wind and was pinned to the blue sky
captured in the sun's darting rays
at the brink of the start of this new day
it said to take hold of
the moments as they come
to listen, love, and learn something more
take time to breathe deeply
and without hesitation
look into the eternities
with affection and anticipation embrace
the adventure which presses against the glass
waiting to be let out into
the rain to dance and sing
to let go of fear completely
remembering to live deliberately
exquisite beauty
I'm sure some of you are aware of my troubles to a degree, but I try not to say too much about the problems I have been suffering with specificity (well, unless you've read the Divorce section on here). So anyway, I want to say a little more with the hope that we can all take a moment for a big collective sigh.
I mark today as the day I stopped being chattel, the day my house of cards burned down to the ground never to be built again. Today is the first day of no longer being married and figuring out what that will mean for the future. The battle is not over—of that I am certain—but I am my own person again. And I don't know how to express the relief and empowerment that I feel in this moment.
But, also, today marks a terribly beautiful moment for me. It's terribly sad to have loved and lost, yet the exquisite beauty found in the freedom that has been reclaimed shines brighter than any of the tears ever could. I celebrate the opportunity I now have to move ahead with deliberate authenticity.
In commemoration of this significant moment in time, I will share with you a representation of my emotional journey through song. It is not complete but in a purposeful order, and there are seemingly disjointed songs, but each song tells part of this disjointed journey. Every song has words that have whispered to my heart in moments of weakness or strength, in moments of indecision or decision. And I share this journey with you if you'd like to pause for a space of time and remember with me my moment of heartbreaking change.
I appreciate every single one of you who have supported and will continue to support me in this dynamic adventure called life.
to survive
I spent the day wasting away
Wishing for nothing
Hoping for everything
The mind is wild with anticipation
The heart yearns for something new
How to make it happen
Is as elusive as the love
That once resided in this house
Yet did it ever really exist?
Or was it a blinding façade?
I don't even care anymore
Whether it was real or not
Here and now is reality enough
To tell me that burned bridges
Change the world
And everyone in it
The smoke hasn't cleared
And I can't find my way out
Alone but I must
Wishing for nothing
Hoping for everything
The mind is wild with anticipation
The heart yearns for something new
How to make it happen
Is as elusive as the love
That once resided in this house
Yet did it ever really exist?
Or was it a blinding façade?
I don't even care anymore
Whether it was real or not
Here and now is reality enough
To tell me that burned bridges
Change the world
And everyone in it
The smoke hasn't cleared
And I can't find my way out
Alone but I must
thoughts on mixed up snowy day
The morning was so beautiful. I drove to school with so much enthusiasm for the day and in general. There are so many good things going for me right now. Why do I let one facet of life drag me into the pits? I'm so weary of it all. I just want to keep walking away and never be forced to look back. Why isn't it that simple? It could be. I need to be free and have needed this freedom since I was born. It is my birthright. It is ridiculous that I have to fight for something that should have always been mine. Most of all, though, I'm tired of needing to be so strong. Being tough is part of me now, and I can see how that, too, has always been something to claim for myself. Except that doesn't mean I have to like it. If that makes any sense. I wish I were able to paint the portrait of my life in a softer shade of purple.
And we won't even get started on how I couldn't stop to watch the snow gently falling like magical puffs of cotton because the clock is quite the taskmaster.
Word of the Year 2014: Embrace
The word embrace is an action word; it's something we do. I want to embrace life more fully this year. I'm not talking about taking a walk on the wild side more than I flirt with it already. I'm talking about taking time to embrace each moment I am given, stepping back to appreciate what I have in the moment, and stopping the practice of wishing for something more. To embrace the ever present love that surrounds me and not allow anything or anyone to detract from my recognizing that I am loved.
Embracing differences and sameness with deeper appreciation. Embracing my faith. Embracing my successes and embracing what I learn from my failures. I want to embrace the many layers of life in which there are room to pull them closer.
Embrace is also a label to describe something we do when we hold onto each other, more simply known as a hug. When I am in an embrace with my children, I want to be more present and embrace them with more emotion, so they might know with a surety that they are loved. There are days when I am on empty, and I can't seem to muster enough warmth in the hugs I give. I want that to change this year.
I hope to more often embrace friends and family, in both senses of the word.
Another thing I thought of is that, just maybe, a few of you might want to work on embracing life more fully, too. Join me. I can pretty much guarantee you'll be glad you did.
Past Words of the Year: