Tonight, I realized something. My little guy doesn't need the hallway light on anymore.
Since the separation and divorce, he became anxious about having the lights off before falling asleep at nighttime, so for awhile (many months) I'd let him keep the bedroom light on until he was sleeping. Slowly, I negotiated less and less time with it on, switching to allowing the hall light to be left on until he was asleep instead. It has become routine for me to read to him, say prayers with him, then turn his light off and switch on the hall light if it wasn't on already. But tonight, I felt so tired. I've been working as hard as I can to do well at school, home, and trying to establish some semblance of a social life. Emotions have been running high, too, which is exhausting for me.
So, I flicked the switch off and headed upstairs without turning on the hall light, got to the top of the stairs and realized that I forgot to turn the light on but he didn't cry out. I felt so happy and proud of my tiny guy right at that moment, yet the very next moment brought a tinge of melancholy because time is going by so quickly. Before I know it, all of my children will be grown.
I can see myself as an old woman leaving on the hall light from time to time just to remember the days when my children were small.
Since the separation and divorce, he became anxious about having the lights off before falling asleep at nighttime, so for awhile (many months) I'd let him keep the bedroom light on until he was sleeping. Slowly, I negotiated less and less time with it on, switching to allowing the hall light to be left on until he was asleep instead. It has become routine for me to read to him, say prayers with him, then turn his light off and switch on the hall light if it wasn't on already. But tonight, I felt so tired. I've been working as hard as I can to do well at school, home, and trying to establish some semblance of a social life. Emotions have been running high, too, which is exhausting for me.
So, I flicked the switch off and headed upstairs without turning on the hall light, got to the top of the stairs and realized that I forgot to turn the light on but he didn't cry out. I felt so happy and proud of my tiny guy right at that moment, yet the very next moment brought a tinge of melancholy because time is going by so quickly. Before I know it, all of my children will be grown.
I can see myself as an old woman leaving on the hall light from time to time just to remember the days when my children were small.
i love this reflection. i said to my husband just the other day that with kids, you tend to be so focussed on the current stage that you are in, and the challenges you're facing, that we forget to look back and see (celebrate) just how far we've come! This seems like a mini- celebration , enjoy!
ReplyDeleteIt really is something to celebrate!
DeleteIt is the little things, isn't it. I am glad that he is feeling more confident. Blessings on you with the exhaustion of high emotions. May you find rest.
ReplyDeleteJust taking the time to reflect on the moment gave me some repose. Thank you.
DeleteHow understanding that you gradually weaned him from needing a light...knowing that the light was a form of security. It is difficult trying to keep balance with family and work after a divorce...so these small things are so important. Sounds like he has a great mom! Jackie
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your positive affirmation. Some days I need to hear it from someone new.
DeleteSuch a sweet sentiment at the end.
ReplyDeleteAs always, thank you for taking time to read my writing.
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