There's nothing quite like the paranoia that poisons the simplicity of friendship once you allow even just one single doubt to creep in and take root.
I find myself questioning how people see me and what they think about who I am and how I conduct myself. I let myself feel unwelcome and unwanted. When this happens I become irrational, entertaining negative self-talk, and nothing seems to soothe my fear of rejection.
Always at arm's length. That's all I can focus on, until I don't. Then, I push away the uninvited feelings and let myself recall all the positive sides of life. I can see, once again, those individuals who are reaching out and inviting me to be part of their lives. That I'm not pushing myself on them. People actually enjoy my company.
But until I stop embracing negativity, I sit here feeling like a cast off freak with no home always walking on eggshells wishing for unattainable safety and not knowing if or when I will ever feel like I belong anywhere. Ever.
I find myself questioning how people see me and what they think about who I am and how I conduct myself. I let myself feel unwelcome and unwanted. When this happens I become irrational, entertaining negative self-talk, and nothing seems to soothe my fear of rejection.
Always at arm's length. That's all I can focus on, until I don't. Then, I push away the uninvited feelings and let myself recall all the positive sides of life. I can see, once again, those individuals who are reaching out and inviting me to be part of their lives. That I'm not pushing myself on them. People actually enjoy my company.
But until I stop embracing negativity, I sit here feeling like a cast off freak with no home always walking on eggshells wishing for unattainable safety and not knowing if or when I will ever feel like I belong anywhere. Ever.
I totally get this! I could've written this...yet, not as eloquently as you have! The phrase that grabs me is, "until I stop embracing negativity"!! It seems it's all about perspective...your own, my own...worrying and entertaining negativity invites those "left out", "I don't belong" feelings. Thank you for writing about this. So many times, I feel like I'm the only one who feels like this! Loved, loved, loved your post today!
ReplyDeleteparanoia poisons us
ReplyDeletepositions us on the outside
pulls us deeper inside
places a burden on our minds
provides a dark underpinning
to words probably best left
unsaid.
-Kevin
I enjoyed your post and just know I'd love your company. Negative self talk is so common and I started just recognizing the talk and arguing with it… "That's not true!" Nice piece! Thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteWell said! Funny, I thought this sort of feeling would disappear after high school...and then after university...and then when I turned 40....It never does. It can be very easy to talk ourselves into feeling unwelcome and unwanted. I had myself convinced that all (ALL!) the other moms at play group were snobby and unfriendly. Then I realized that I have never initiated a conversation with them either. :)
ReplyDeleteI so get what you are trying to say! I've been there. You are so right, it is often up to us to stop the negativity and embrace life in full force! Thanks for being honest.
ReplyDeleteWow - this describes me to a tee - especially right now - but you have managed to succinctly and powerfully express negativity and its destructive grasp better than I ever could.
ReplyDelete