kiss and tell time

I'm sitting here thinking about my frozen little fingers as I type, and I need to admit something. I honestly had hopes to not face another winter literally cold and alone.

Don't be too hasty in your assumptions though. I just thought I might have someone to call my boyfriend; that's all. It's a silly thing to write when I think about how many men I've told I don't want a boyfriend right now. It's actually downright ridiculous of me to even utter the thought, but I'm getting good at being ridiculous; therefore, I pretty much have to share my entire train of thought right now, today, because I can.

As I slow down to ponder all the steps I've taken to heal from the divorce and grow in positive directions, I wonder when the time will be right, if ever. I contemplate all the friends around me who have become newly single after me but are with a boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged, or married again already. The next thing I wonder is what have they done to be prepared. I hardly have just begun to trust my intuition in the past year or so, and I've been separated/divorced for 4 1/2 years already. Another thing is I don't see how anything could have begun to work out for me early on. Things have been jacked up to say the least, and most importantly, I have needed the time to find myself and learn how to be the lovely person that had been hiding from herself and the world. I don't have any inclination to be with someone just to say I have a boyfriend either. It's been awhile being single without ever having a boyfriend from what I see going on around me, but I'd rather be alone forever than choose badly and have more horror stories to add to my repertoire. And even still, I wonder at how ready anyone will ever be for how purple my home is becoming. I'll probably need to get another house, so as to not frighten off all these potential boyfriends who are going to be knocking down my door soon.

Totally kidding. The new house will be purple too. Who are we kidding? Right?

But seriously, please don't worry. The time has not been dull despite my lack of official boyfriends. As of right now, my romantic situation is messed up in special new ways. I've had a regular casual date/dance partner/kissing somebody who wanted me to be his girlfriend until he felt he had to break up with his non-girlfriend (me) to date other people, an old flame rekindled quite warmly then extinguished due to major pigheadedness, dates with several men (too many to say—it's embarrassing) who could only be described as bizarre copies of my ex that unbeknownst to them subconsciously begged to be rejected (albeit with courteous tact, of course), a much older person who is so very kind and kisses nicely and I believe would marry me if I gave him extra attention for a few short weeks but no just no way I'm doing that my brain and heart shout in unison, a friend from my teen years (who kisses like whoa) who is crazy vocal about wanting me while being completely honest about how it would fulfill one of his boyhood dreams (Do I look like I dish out boyhood dreams? Well, maybe I do, but not those ones). And then I have the person I have come to love and care about in such ways that cannot be described here, but, simply put, he will not consider expanding the facets of our unique friendship to include me further in his life. It's all such a mess that I've taken a step back from everything to focus on figuring out what I want exactly and what I'm willing to do to have it.

And now I wonder if I've said too much.

I write all of these things because keeping it all swirling around in my head without any outlet has been getting on my last nerve; It's been over six months of quietly pondering, fervently praying, and silently wondering. These men might (and some will certainly) read this, so I don't know what to expect now because I'm positive I overshared. I might have just made everything worse, and I'll want to kick myself and cry myself a river. It's what I do sometimes. Me and my big fat mouth. But it's my life and I'll write what I want to.


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not ready but waiting