accommodations

It's been nearly a year of working out how to make room for more of what I want in my life with my word of the year this year being accommodate. To update you, I've done cleaning projects around my house and the yard. I planted a peach tree in spring and a blazing Maple just last week. I have started new hobbies like playing singles' volleyball and learning how to do Snapchat (that last one is a joke and serious all at the same time). I have said bold things, changed habits, worked hard on opening my heart to the happiness that surrounds me.

All of that said, I don't feel like I've accomplished much. Maybe I've filled the space I create too quickly with something different. Maybe I don't know how to leave room for more without substituting other stuff because I don't want to slow down long enough to think about everything going on because I might cry.

I've actually done a lot of crying as I work to accommodate more of what I want. These slices of life have been trending on the depressed side if you ask me. But what do I know? I think maybe I've needed to leave some room for crying and writing about the pain I have to bear. If the truth of the matter is that no one chooses to stand by your side and love you and your children, then that is sad. That makes sense to cry about. And tears should be given some space to be felt. The reminder that no one sees me though. That's the part that is suffocating instead of freeing. To be told how amazing you are but not be worth the effort to stay by anyone is troubling. I have to keep from retreating into myself again, but I must admit that I have painfully put back on a few layers of sad fear. It's just all too much as of late.

Enough of that though. I still have a couple of months to get this accommodating my hopes and dreams thing in full swing, and I have been happily surprised enough times in my life to know that something can happen. It probably won't be anything I do in particular, but all that I'm working toward will invite who and what I need to find room around this crowded place. Somehow it will all work out.