this [blank] year

While writing in my journal, I ended the page with, "I am glad this year is nearly over." I set down my pen and thought that I don't think I've written a truer sentence in my life. My next thought was about my word of the year: compassion. At the time, I didn't quite understand why that word found me and needed to be something I come back to throughout the year, but after writing that sentence in my journal, a flood of understanding came.

This year, 2018, has been one of enormous sacrifice and change. I realize how I needed to focus on having compassion for others, most importantly my children, but then also, I needed to focus on showing myself compassion. Many, many times over the past several months, I have stopped myself from pushing so hard to get over and out and through so many hard things. I have had to show myself some compassion and understanding as I lead my family through each new day filled with new challenges and changes. I have allowed myself to just be in these moments and stop worrying about what is so wrong. It just is. And it must be what we need to grow. Or that's what I tell myself.

All the sacrifice and change has been our story. It is truth. We are learning how to love and be loved by giving up things and moving ahead as our family changes. Our family is becoming more sacred to me as I live through and witness all we have come through, scathed and unscathed. It is awe inspiring when compassion and love are my focus.

When I think of this year so far, I could make a negative list of adjectives to describe it, yet I could also make a very positive list as well. However, I keep leaning toward the negative list like an old friend I can count on but who isn't a very good influence. Therefore, I won't even attempt to write out all the words to describe it because I really just want to say crappy and write a poem describing how utterly exhausting it has been and lie down and cry. But none of that! Because I've already done that and more, and it's time to turn that corner and not look back.

Can I just add how difficult it can be to show compassion to yourself? To let yourself slow down and not get things done and stop being the planner and doer and giver all the time? To let yourself heal and learn how to be happy again? It is really difficult. Or, at least, it has been for me.

I am genuinely glad this year is nearly done. I need to turn the page, and I feel very ready for the good things on the horizon, very, very ready.