flew the coop

No one can convey the absolute rip in your heart that happens when your first child moves out. No one. This is one of those life experiences people can talk about and attempt to describe (like I'm doing right now), but until you are there, you cannot know.

The whole experience has me reflecting on how I exited my childhood home. I was AWOL most of the time from seventeen onward. I did my own thing and hardly noticed the damage I left in my wake. After sending off a child myself now, I can hardly fathom how hard it all must have been on my mother for me to just be—gone. No goodbyes. No getting to do sweet things to send me off. No talking about checking accounts and credit cards and budgeting. I just jumped into the deep end and didn't care how much I floundered as I pushed through blindly. I learned how to take care of myself. I'm actually really good with the meager amounts of money that cross my path. Well, not so much lately. I've been in a tailspin of wanting to eat out all the time practically and trying to get my home all set up and organized. Holy garbage, home stuff costs a lot of money. But I digress.

My mom. I think about her every single day right now as I contemplate how difficult it has been to just be a good mom and send my son off set up a little and feeling confident and capable. My mom had to simply step aside and pray I didn't get killed, arrested, or starve because I never asked for help in those years of teen adulthood. My bet is that she prayed all day, every day. I already do that for my son, and he's an exceptional man/child. I don't even know what to call my children who are grown! haha.

We had a little party a couple nights ago to celebrate our last weekend all together before life changes again for us. We had delicious pizza and barbecue wings with Virgil's root beer and butterscotch soda and ice cream to make floats out of the stuff. It was so good. Like the best meal ever. Such a fantastic memory for me, standing in our kitchen all together having a toast to a good future. I hope it never fades. We talked and laughed and watched a movie, which all of us fell asleep before it ended except my son!

My boy slept away from home on his own last night, and it was so strange for me. It broke my heart a little more to think about how quickly the time went for us. The divorce and its entails stole much of those tender years if we are to be honest about it all. I did my best to help and shelter and lift, but I was in the trenches myself, and we are all just barely digging out this past year or so. What warriors, we are.

I sure love him. This guy is so kind-hearted and the source of much laughter and softened hearts. He knows how to get me to laugh at almost any garbage going down. It's like magic. And I don't feel like I'll ever be ready for this even though it is truly time, and I'm proud of him for doing so well for himself in taking care of his needs and wanting to be responsible for himself. It's a good thing—I guess.