At times, I can hardly bear being in this skin
This self-assured, self-deceiving, presumptuous skin
Being who I am and how I am and what I am
Distinctly different, dangerously audacious
I sicken even myself and plot a means to flee
But I stay to witness the burning barn, unwilling to leave

With a blazing rush of energy, I take on the day
Either in embers, sparks, or full on fire
My path is lit up by this fever that is my way
Scorching, torching, and smothering
Pick the poison of the passing moment
To partake of this rare form of prime punishment

Loving so hard and forever that it incinerates my very thoughts
Standing afar off in feigned occupation—self-prescribed seclusion
With the informed assumption that no one will come
I do not understand why, despite my full admission
That charred to a crisp fear continually follows in my wake

Never to be gifted the sacrificial endeavor of truly being seen
And yet—I tarry to sweep the darkened, aubergine horizon
Finding the flicker of the far off sun's ever burning rays
I catch my breath, labored and bated, with the sting of ascertained truth
That I began to love you before we ever met, and I will not and wish not to stop
Even if you never assume the part of the match that started all of this—I still burn

it started with good night

The push and pull and drag of it all
Wishing, wanting, waiting — almost patiently
Heart worn on a sleeve for so long it has a farmer's suntan
And somehow it still feels like the best thing since ice cream
Even if the bridge we're building hasn't quite closed the gap
The vibrant sun keeps shining and storm clouds remind me of you
And I think of all that could be
Somehow, someday, some way
It will happen
But until then, I admit that I weep a little—perhaps a lot
When I see sweet intentions that are not meant for me
I wish I weren't so intuitive and knowing
Without trying, I somehow understand too much and too little
Imagination running wild yet set at ease by the taskmaster at once
All I can do is force myself to breathe through it
The wishing wounds and heals me deeply
Confused, still I smile gladly
Because I want you to be happy
More than anything else in the world
Every day. Right now. Through every tomorrow.
I wait for you to believe this truth
For you to want to do anything and everything
To give me the chance to be the she who brings
Smiles to your lips and spins
A golden reality from your untamed wishes
Because if you're by my side, loving me
Every day will be my best dreams realized
To say good night every night looking in your eyes
That's all I see now with this love-stained vision
I will not keep myself from dreaming
Because you mean so much
You are worth the risk of a shattered heart
You are infinitely beautiful to these hazel green
Tear-filled eyes that continue to wish too hard
I shall scale unscalable walls because I need you.
The layers will come off because they must
And we will stand exposed
Like two pearls in a split open shell
Being admired for their rare and precious beauty
Fawned over, coveted, and revered.

a short and chunky ball of anxiety

A week of school has passed by, and I am chock full of anxiety and excitement. The students are wonderful; my cooperating teacher is amazing; my supervising teacher is encouraging; and all the teachers in the English department are welcoming and kind. I couldn't ask for a better foundation on which to begin, and yet, I still have a high level of anxiousness that I can't shake. Today, my cooperating teacher told me that it will go away once I completely take over all of the classes. And when she said that I only felt more stress. However, she has been through it before and appears to be quite trustworthy, so I am going to take her word for it and try to go to sleep tonight without taking anything to knock me out. 

Seeking to Become — August 2014

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.          
Matthew 5:16  

The summer has gone by so quickly, and I have been forgetting to write about my Seeking to Become challenge I've been working on. I decided to ponder on it a little longer than one month and see how I could accomplish it. 

To let your light shine can feel tricky because we don't want to be show-offs or indulge in arrogance. What the Lord is asking of us is to do good things that can and do express our love for his children and that we want to show that God matters in our lives by trying to be like him. 

I have been really stretching my outlook to seek what I could do more in my circumstances to let my light shine. Some days, I don't see that I have much light to share, but every once in awhile, I am able to catch a glimpse of how others see me and realize that I am making a difference just like other people are making a difference in my life. I just don't ever want to be a taker who never gives anything back. I desire to glorify God in every good thing by serving and loving others, which in turn will guide others to glorify God. 

I invite all of you to join me in seeking to become someone who lets their light shine. The world desperately needs more light. 

student teaching begins . . .

I get nervous and stressed out to the point of feeling physically ill.

I vent this stress on a few select individuals.

These individuals take turns assuring me that I will survive and succeed.

They encourage me.

I believe them (partly).

I go to school and survive—and even do better than just survive but love my time there.


(So far).