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This Phoenix Speaks

Seven years in the making, my first published book, This Phoenix Speaks , is now a reality. The tireless and tiring work invested to ma...

single rider

Riding roller coasters is something I relish, but it's not for the sake of riding them; it's because of how much fun I am having with the company I am with. The terrifying sections aren't as bad, and the parts when you get a good laugh seem even sweeter. Because I have experienced them with people I love, I never want to forget even the swings that for some reason strike me as a horrible torture. I will add that I certainly would never ride those crazy throwing you out into the wild blue yonder swings again unless I'm with someone I care about.

And the roller coaster is real. Up and down. Twists and turns. Making the best out of a scary stretch by screaming and holding on for dear life. We smile when we can; we laugh when we get that sinking feeling as we drop because we know its going to be alright; we hold our breath and at times grit our teeth when the rails up ahead look terrifying enough to take our breath away. Sometimes, hopefully only a very few times, we cry. Sometimes even the good things turn out to be difficult and nothing seems to be going right.

And then I stop to ponder why I'm not enjoying the ride as much as I ought . . .

Have you ever ridden a roller coaster alone? 

I have, and it just isn't the same being a single rider with no one to laugh with or hold onto their hand for reassurance as you scream all the way down to the bottom together. Reflecting on past experiences, I can see that I've never liked it, and I don't like it now. 

I plan on staying on this ride for its duration, but I sure look forward to having someone next to me.

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Roller Coasters

Seeking to Become - October 2014

spirituality, scriptures, photography, purple
Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.  
Matthew 5:14-16

Reading these scriptures reminds me of how each of us has the light of Christ within us—including me. Sometimes I let myself forget that I have something, a whole lot of something, to offer the world if I but let my light shine.

I have this problem with self doubt. I see that I am intelligent and interesting and friendly, but somehow I allow myself to get beat down. It's as if I'm blind to what I know to be true. I kid myself into thinking that no one really wants to be my friend, that I bother people all the time, and that I won't ever make a real difference in life. I feel incapable of achieving my goals. I hide my light. When I'm struggling in the darkness of self doubt, the light of those who care about me shows me how wrong I am to indulge in negativity.

Negative thoughts can break even the strongest of individuals. Every day includes a mixture of good and bad in nearly equal measure, which means it is up to us to choose what parts we embrace and cultivate within our lives. I want to overcome my tendency to doubt and learn to let my light shine, to shine so brightly that all who know me will want to let their light shine, too. Oftentimes, life is a series of surprisingly wonderful highs and bitterly disheartening lows. Yet, I believe we can be a light unto all within our reach even amidst those bitter lows. We can share our hope in Christ with the world. As we do so, we will help one another through the trials, lifting when we are strong and proving our faith when we embrace the help of others.

I invite you to join me in seeking the light of Christ by sharing our own light continually, that we may eventually be received into God's eternal light.

a resounding yes

I saw the magic before you uttered a word. 

Can there truly be spring midst winter?
I ask myself this recurring question
Whenever thoughts of you insinuate
Loving fervor and perfection
Into the dank, left to be forgotten recesses
Of my threadbare reality.

Weaving my way within the hazy great divide
Between the living and the hurt,
I observe too keenly how I don't belong;
There is yet to be a home for me.
Stuck by choice in this deadening nowhere
As I refuse to ignore what I know—
I know what I felt upon first meeting you,
That magic between us that not everyone can find.
I know that logic and rational thought
Is what makes sense to the mind.
Nonetheless, we are more than logic and rationality.
We are treasured souls with a stunning and divine purpose,
And this adoring soul seeks a permanent home.

Can the sun turn winter to spring?
The transformation makes its way steadfastly without conscious thought.
So can you, my darling sunshine, warm my wintery frost
Into a place for your sure and safe landing?
Can my trying, challenging, and purely everlasting light
Guide you to embrace the road home to my heart?

feeling loved

This past week was so good; however, the weekend ushered me into a week that I should not have to be living, but I am. I thought when a divorce is over, it is over. But I don't have that luxury of finality. I must lurch out of teaching gear and begin thinking about issues that I put away many months ago.

My mind moved on because it had to in order to survive school and raising children without any support, and it has been long past time for letting go. My heart has successfully moved on because there has been sufficient time to reflect and begin healing and living again.

Being dragged back into the fight feels terrible. Without all of the support that encircles me, I could not make it. Each day is counted as a blessing when I have friends and family who love me and make sure I am making it through these unfortunate circumstances.

I just need to remember to keep positivity and my faith that all will be well in the forefront. 

perpetual winter

The heat of the sun radiates upon my shivering skin,
And ever still, the unceasing bite of bitter winter
Tramples across every inch, sticking it to every nerve.

Like a creeping glacier so charming yet harming,
Damages are hidden beneath the sunlit surface.
Slowly carving out every sparkling chance
For sustainable beauty with the indiscernible drag
Of rock hard ice for feelings,
Life moves forward, ever forward.

Ripping away imaginary olive branches,
Tossing aside ficticious white flags,
Comfortless and melting,
The solitary block of ice,
Slipping and sliding and crying,
Has nowhere to go but forward.

Toward the beckoning and blazing sun,
Frozen, frigid, and quivering,
Making my way past winter.

thinking too much

Believe it or not, I didn't realize that I'd forgotten to write a slice of life until 5 days ago. I've been writing slices for about three years now, and I forgot two weeks in a row! 

That tidbit just tells you how challenging this period of time has been for me. Many hobbies and habits that typically cause happiness have had to go into storage for now. I wonder if I'll pick some of the stuff back up once the smoke clears. However, I do know that writing will never go away by choice. 

Thinking about change, my life is changing so rapidly that I wouldn't know one way or the other how things are going to be in a year from now—not even in six months. When I can capture a snippet of quiet, I wonder at how far I've come and how much further I have to go and what my journey will end up looking like. I wonder in the moment sometimes whether I am making the best use of my opportunities. I contemplate why no one wants to commit to me. I wonder why I reject (albeit kindly) so many men. I set my sights on the future and make plans, but I'd really like to know if I'll ever have someone by my side who cares for the real me and wants to share our lives permanently. It's such a mystery. 

I can't think of any of that for another minute. It's too much. 

I intend to get back on the slice of life wagon. The encouragement that I receive during this current adventure is reason enough to remember. I need encouragement like a fish needs water. 

time to hide

Decatur, Texas

There is not time enough
To tell you, to explain how much I care.
No time for all the love I hold and
Long to give, moments to share.
Days bleed in from the one before
And an ache follows to the one afterward.
The burning sun falls almost as quickly as it rose
With weathered life weaved in each band of light.
Arms reached out to embrace the layers of you,
To help you and to love you,
Hang so heavy with a load of care.
Weary with the lonesome road
Of having no one with whom to share
These days of burden and delight.
Days that have no time, yet
The clock keeps on ticking,
Ticking, ticking, ticking the moments by.
The time shackles and frees.
With nowhere to turn, nowhere to rest,
Running tantalizes and entices,
And I catch myself dreaming up a place to hide.

Someone, see me; Reach me; Want me.
Answer this heart's pleading need
For a shared respite from the bleached
Heat of the stripped down day
Where no one ever stays.
Come find me and dare to be mine
And stay.
Stay until the clock runs out
And we abide where time never ends,
Where love lasts forever.
Seek this lost and broken heart.
Our future depends on you.