joy quest: hope and healing

Today marks my 30th joy quest post and the end of my formal exploration of joy—for now. So what do I write? How do I choose my words for something that I still don't understand completely? I have questions still.

How can we feel joy when also overwhelmed with sorrow? And yet—it happens. How does joy make its presence known when there is so much fresh pain pushing down? And even still—it happens. How does joy heal our hearts when our hearts are continually being wounded anew? I don't have the perfect answer to this question either except that I have seen the hope joy brings in our human suffering, and it is a continual healer. Joy heals as we look for it, embrace it, and allow it to heal us.

We have to choose joy though. That is something I have learned and know about joy. It is everywhere, in everything we do; however, if we aren't choosing joy, we can't see it or feel it. When in the midst of adversity, it is critical that we reach out to hold onto the joy that is available. Even still, it is more critical that we recognize the joy we experience in times of peace. There is no worse waste of a gift than to take it for granted.

Being apathetic to the gift of joy that makes life so good sets us up to not be able to see how joy works for us when things get difficult. We need to keep watching for it and wanting it continually to truly appreciate the work of joy in our lives.

I found a talk that teaches how to appreciate and understand how joy works in our lives, and I hope you will watch it. As I listened to it, I knew it belonged in my joy quest because of the truths it bears witness of. One of my favorite quotes by Yoon Hwan Choi:

It is not easy for us to recognize the love of Heavenly Father when we look around with our temporal eyes, because we see inconvenience, loss, burdens, or loneliness first. On the other hand, we can see the blessings beyond when we look up.

This joy quest has been perfect in its imperfection. I have let loss and burdens keep me down a few times. But I have learned from it when that has happened. The hope and healing of the paper crane I began with has been ever present, and that is why I share it at the end of my quest too. Recognizing that I have seen how I push away joy, I want to do better. I have done better. I have loved the challenge of these past thirty days that has pushed me toward understanding joy better, to seek it out and be part of it more often.

I thank my friend Julie for being the catalyst for such an enlarging experience when I needed to be stretched and healed and fortified. Joy has become a true companion.

joy quest: memory lane

Harris Lane. Now that has some memories on it. There are actually many lanes and streets and boulevards all over East Las Vegas that hold memories for me. The best memories. The worst memories. And memories that have made me who I am.

I will choose joy today as I say goodbye to my family home. My parents and siblings, aunts and uncles, many cousins and friends, all have been part of that house being made into a home. It takes people making joy-filled memories to have a real home, and we had that. Most of all though, my parents' love for each other and us was why that place was home to me. Despite all the troubles and trials, I can look on that place with joy and love because of them.

Bledsoe Lane and Harris Lane and all the other roads in my old neighborhood will still be there, but they won't ever be the same without us there anymore. I know that for sure. And that gives me a tempered joy—joy in knowing how much my parents made a difference in establishing a legacy of love that is only held down by missing their presence for so long.

My joy is full today. My joy has tears washing away any pain, leaving a shining, golden memory lane to walk upon whenever I may need it.

joy quest: quiet

Life can get so hectic that you never find time to slow down and be quiet. But then someone passes away, and all of a sudden, you have to make time to stop for awhile.

It might not sound right, but there is a type of joy in the period of time that is set aside to be with the living and share grief. There is no way to describe it without sounding almost irreverent unless you've been part of it before.

There is no gladness for the loss of my friend's brother, but in the quiet after the funeral, I felt joy that I could see my friend and his family come together to celebrate a wonderful life. Everyone has become such wonderful people as we've all grown up, and their little brother was a real treasure. And then just having some time to be quiet to recognize all of this calls for joy.

I have quiet joy right now, but it is joy nonetheless.

joy quest: friday

There is just something magical about the song "Friday I'm in Love" that makes me smile every single time I hear it. It could be that my friend, Suzanne, comes to mind. It could be the cheerful beat. It could be the hope that is laid upon Friday—that promise of being in love every Friday at the very least. Whatever the reason is at the time, every time I want to get up and dance.



Today won't be a day for dancing for me, but I have a wish for joy to be planted in the hearts of all who mourn and want for love and comfort today. I have joy in that hope. And we will dance another day soon because joy comes from behind and cures sadness. Every single time.

joy quest: turning points

Summer is a turning point in the lives of children. They grow out of their clothes at least once. There are friendships made and lost. Anticipation for what autumn will bring hangs in the hot summer air once July presents itself.
 
There are other turning points that happen too. Graduation from high school brings with it a lot of change. Learning how to grow up for real and finding the footings for the future pose real challenges for young adults. There is joy infused in every step though. Every accomplishment, every time a goal is met (no matter how small), joy is right there waiting to be scooped up and embraced.

Adults face these turning points. It's not necessarily at the all important summer finish line, but we have them. We lose a job and get a new job. We move and have to make all new friends. We lose a friend or family member to bad feelings, but we renew the relationship through communication. We lose a loved one yet hope for eternity to bring us back together someday. We learn to look around every bend for joy because the hard times just can't last.

Today is a day to be thankful for turning points, getting around the bend of a long stretch of difficulty, and looking to the future for joy and hope. 

joy quest: pink lozenges

I'm so tired I can hardly think straight, so no fun logos on the picture and no refining filters. Just pure pink paradise before your eyes.

These pink candies were some of my favorites growing up, and I've never grown tired of them yet. It's probably due in part from not being able to find them most of the time, but they are worth the search!

My city opened a giant new grocery store, and they have these bulk candy bins there, and lo and behold, my pink candies are there. I bought some and even shared with my children. Speaking of my children, I think they were a bit embarrassed by my sheer delights upon seeing these at the store. So delicious that even the thought of them makes me smile! Sweet joy!

So anyway. I love these candies so much. I hope you do too, but if not—more for me!

joy quest: freedom

As I was pondering what I'd share today since it's Independence Day for Americans, I thought about many things: music, inspiring quotes, inspiring leaders, the wars and victories, and my parents. All of those people and things as I thought of them in turn gave me a measure of pride and joy. How do I decide what to share then?

I decided to share a video of me riding a roller coaster:


This decision came to me because I believe it encompasses in a very short period a metaphor for my pursuit of happiness. Ups and downs. Laughter. A whole lot of "holy craps" said and unsaid. And being free to do all those things.

Another reason I decided to share this video is as a metaphor for my freedom. I was with my son celebrating his 17th birthday on Independence Day last year when I shot this, and the memory of it reminds me of how free I am now. Life isn't easy in the least. I get sad. But I am free to keep trying and keep improving and be myself.

Speaking of being free to be myself. Is it terrible that I can watch this over and over and I laugh at myself every time as if the video is new? Like, I crack myself up so bad. I wonder what level of crazy I'll look like when I'm an old lady. I can't even comprehend it! haha!

I'm so thankful for everyone who has made my freedom possible. And thank you for sharing this slice of joy with me today! God bless America, land that I love!

joy quest: grief's gift

Some sad news came my way last night after writing the joy quest post, and so I felt compelled by inspiration to write a poem, Without Even Trying. It's what I do; I write poems when I am grieving. I write them for myself and for my friends and family who are affected by loss. And something happened with this poem that surprised me and gave me such a gift.

Because of the sad news, I thought I wouldn't be able to find anything joyful to share today. But I was so wrong. I didn't think anyone would really read the poem. And that's fine, I write to express inspiration and feelings whether or not anyone else reads my writing. However, it does feel nice when my work gets read and shared though, and this poem was read, loved, and shared so very much. It was truly appreciated. And that gives me so much when I second guess my writer's life I've been cultivating. To be clear, I feel like such an imposter most of the time.

Not today though. My writing gave comfort to the sad and gave people reason to smile inside. And they shared this far and wide already in less than a day. It gives me a full heart to know I could help even one person with my words—and there were many more than one. I am so thankful, and gratitude is joy's seeds.

joy quest: fire

I don't have an elaborate story to tell, nor a well thought out response to an inspiring source. I don't even have a proper picture really. I just snapped a quick shot of our fire pit party and kept on enjoying myself.

There's something about roasting marshmallows and hotdogs (and pork steaks like savages) over an open fire. We were able to really enjoy the evening as we wound down from the week before on this beautiful Sunday. And it gave me joy. I am thankful we could take the time, that we observe the sabbath and shut out the world some one day a week.

My joy is quiet yet on fire tonight.

joy quest: making room for more

We can love something so much. We can have the best memories. We can even not want to set it aside. Yet—if that something, a habit, a hobby, a thing, anything keeps us from receiving untapped joy, it is time to let it go and try making room for something new. 

Tillman has been a fun bear, a sweet bear, and remains a most precious bear to me and my children, but I've decided that we need to retire him. There's so much love wrap up in this little stuffed animal that I fear prolonging our adventures with him will only end up breaking our hearts more as time goes on. He has come to represent a bridge of sorts for us with one of our dear friends, and it's just hard to think about how much we care. 

So I've found a home for Tillman where he will be safe and accessible but not out as a constant reminder, in the hope that we will open up some space in our hearts for more joy—new joy—fresh and rejuvenating. 

This whole thought isn't very joyful if you ask me, but this is a quest, not a perfectly joyful 30 days. I am finding joy, understanding joy, and learning how to open my heart to receive more of it. And this is something that I believe needs to happen to make room. 

Just don't tell my kids. Okay? They will figure out my decision soon enough, and I don't feel like crying over a purple teddy bear in front of them. 

joy quest: destinations

I was listening to this talk, Return and Receive, by M. Russell Ballard, and joy began filling my heart.  There are many golden messages to help me right now as I try to find my way to find daily joy. I want to share some of what I learned.

Knowing what matters most is a big factor for finding joy:

Goal setting is essentially beginning with the end in mind. And planning is devising a way to get to that end. A key to happiness lies in understanding what destinations truly matter—and then spending our time, effort, and attention on the things that constitute a sure way to arrive there.

Understanding God's plan for us and setting good goals lead us to joy:

I believe that one important key to happiness is to learn how to set our own goals and establish our own plans within the framework of our Heavenly Father’s eternal plan. 

Introspection is an essential companion to receiving the joy that comes with blessings:

I have found that to stay focused on returning and receiving the promised blessings, I need to regularly take time to ask myself, “How am I doing?” 

As I contemplate how I receive joy—and inadvertently reject joy—I recognize that these words are not just nice words, but they are key tools for helping me get where I want to go. I want to have a joy-filled journey. I want to create my eternity each day. Somehow I will make my way, and I am thankful I decided to study this talk. My heart has been given more hope, more real ways to find my way to receiving blessings I need, and joy—a well deserved measure of joy. My destination is heavenly joy, and I know I can arrive at it one step at a time as I trust in God.

joy quest: new music

A song is just a song unless it strikes a nerve, touches your heart, and/or sucker punches you in the gut. In any of the aforementioned cases, the song turns into a part of you. When you hear it even for the one hundredth time, you remember how it affected you that first time hearing it, and you remember the journey of change that it took you on.

Sometimes a song can mean new things to you as well, so maybe it becomes new after many years. Sort of magical how that can happen, if you ask me.

Some songs are old yet undiscovered by you, making old things new. There's charm in that.

So what does all this have to do with my joy quest? I was introduced to an older song (2000) that is absolutely charming to me. The softness of its melody wraps itself around me like a warm embrace; its words are like a wish I dream of coming true; it is lovely. While it does pinch at me because I don't have anyone to be my person right now, it is a sweet song that whispers of future joy to my heart. It tells a story that I thought I had and still want.

And it's just so charming that I can't help but smile.

joy quest: taking a rest

One thing that I've embraced is listening to my body and laying down to rest when needed. It can't always happen, but if I can squeeze in a little rest when I'm feeling raggedy, I do it. Most of the time.

I'm not feeling rested today or yesterday, raggedy is the watchword, and I haven't been able to take any time. Therefore, I'm not feeling very joyful right now. I allowed myself to think about the negative aspects of my life right now too, so I'm all over the place. There's just too much going on at once with little to no support. I don't see how to keep going let alone find the joy that's awaiting me.

So in order to find joy in this day, I will force myself to take a break to stop worrying and working, and try to rest a bit.

Joy will be found!

joy quest: mermaid island

I was hiking (more like walking out in nature) along the river in Zion National Park with my daughter with autism and my youngest son, and we came to this spot.

The picture hardly captures the vibrant color of greenish blue water mixing with the browns and greens even with a nice filter on the photo, but it does show you the gist of what we saw with our eyes. It was so beautiful. But that photo is here to give you the background to what gave me joy and will continue to give me joy as long as I can remember.

We came up to this section of the river from along the sandy beach pathway, and we stood there appreciating the gorgeous scene that you look at now plus more, and my little son said that it looked like mermaids lived there. Then he said a little more to that effect, and we stood there a little longer wishing we could jump in and swim over to the rock island where mermaids live.

It was a simple moment, yet I can hardly describe my joy. I thought about many things, but the thing that came to mind foremost was in having one last child to share in the wonder that our world is. I didn't count on having any more than two or three children, but he came along and has made my life so different and so good in ways only his personality could bring about. Next, I thought about how my older children were out hiking the real deal stuff on Angel's Landing and how happy it makes me that they get along now—mostly.

As I let myself enjoy that mermaid moment, I tasted simple and abiding joy. I'm thankful for this quest that has been helping me keep my heart open to finding it to taste.

joy quest: joy is . . .

Joy is found in family togetherness and friendship. Joy is in feeling safe. Joy comes when you stop wondering why when no one wants to explain. Joy steps in when all of your tears are gone and you don't know what to feel. Joy is what you hold onto when you want to do better than just keep breathing. And sometimes—joy can be found in each sliver of a breath as you realize you will make it through yet another difficult day. Joy and gratitude go together. Joy and grief are companions. Joy surrounds us. We merely need the courage to touch it, and its infectious nature takes care of the rest. Joy is beautiful. 

joy quest: volleyball

As you can tell, this meme is not mine, and I cannot read the tag to tell you who created it. But it is so perfect, so it had to be here. It begged for its day in the sun on my joy quest.

Volleyball has been something that helps me now. I've been going for well over a year now to a singles volleyball night, and it's been life-changing. First of all, it's because I'm not as crappy of a volleyball player anymore. My improvement level is debatable but definitely measurable. I was pretty terrible when I first began. I hadn't played in almost two decades. I'm competitive, so that's how this can bring joy. Improving my sporty skills makes me feel great. You should see my joy level when I get a hit right. I crack my own self up sometimes. I really should be embarrassed, but whatever.

Secondly, I've made friends that have changed me for good. They understand some of the unique circumstances I have been in simply because they are single too. Many of my volleyball friends live parallel lives with mine. And knowing that people just understand you a little can bring joy to a bad day. Some of them have helped to heal my heart actually; there's no better joy than that.

So, here's to volleyball and the joy it brings! 

joy quest: poetry

Loud Joy

The voices from the future

Calling to me

Beckoning and begging

Me to not give up—to not forget who I am

Pressing onward into the bleak unknown

Fervently finding flowers along the way

To keep me going as

Stones dig into the bottoms of my feet

Children watching my every action

As I feel around, tripping, falling

Getting up again and again and again

Tears washing away the screams trapped within

Always, in the distance, a soft weeping for

What was lost

Always, at the forefront, a fight for

What might be won

Dancing in the shadows and the sunlight

On fire with wishing

Squelched by reality

And though the heart knows

It can as swiftly become

Shattered to bits as was healed over time,

It keeps making a joyful noise

Drowning out sorrow regardless

joy quest: support

I was going to put a picture and write a little something, but then I decided to let my words speak for themselves.

There is absolutely nothing like being in the company of good people who have your back and want you to have theirs in return. The lovingkindness and respect emanating from their presence alone is heartening. When you feel supported and cared about, the problems of life are made smaller—even if it's only fractional. Sadness is swept away for a little while or a long while preferably. And joy is given a prominent place in our thoughts more easily.

Today, I had the blessing of spending time with someone who gave all of that to me. And my fervent hope is that they were able to get the respite I had hoped to offer but received instead!

So much to be joyful about today. Feeling respected and appreciated and loved. I have felt understood. It has filled some of the holes that have been left gaping for too long. Joy is at the helm!

joy quest: soap

It's pretty easy to please me. Stuff like purple dish soap gets me excited. So as I was searching out a joy treasure for today, I decided to keep it simple and go with the whole idea of even taking a picture of purple dish soap.

Rushing around is nothing new to me. Being a single mother now has kicked life into high gear where it never seems to stop; however, I never used to be able to stop rushing around in other ways—important for well-being ways. One of those ways for me is stopping to take pictures when I see something special in a mental capture.

I am so free now to stop and smell the roses (soap) and think about plans. I realize how much joy there is in such a small freedom. Photography of any level is fascinating to me, and it's wonderful to be able to take a minute here and there, to pull over to the side of the road or stand on stuff to get a better angle, etc. without argument. Well, my kids do get a tiny bit bugged sometimes, but for the most part, they just count this as a way of life now and wait. It's really great of them too. Sometimes they even point stuff out to me to capture with my camera.

So my joy is not entirely found in soap, but it's more about becoming clean from the shackles I had on me and being free to choose taking a picture or two of purple dish soap.

(And, no, I was not paid to advertise those dish soaps—they're just gorgeous!)

joy quest: lava

In the two years since seeing this short film at the drive-in for the first time, many things have changed. Life is so different from what I thought it could be like, so most of all its meaning to me has had to change. Hence a tinge of loss sneaks in as I watch this video; nevertheless, it still ignites hope and joy as I recognize that this could be my story.

There is joy in believing that there is someone being prepared for me. There is joy in the belief that I am becoming ready for him. I am always working to become my best self, so I pray that someone will turn and look one of these days and see I have been right there growing and becoming, filling the sea with my tears.

This song is just so beautiful. It tells such a real story of watching, waiting, hope, loneliness, but best of all, the joy that comes in the morning. Joyful is the thought that I am building a joyful life as I keep hope in what's in store.