making connections

I'm doing that ESL Arts Camp thing again this summer. Anyone who has been reading my blog for awhile will remember some of my adventures with the Chinese students I learned to love in ten days flat. For those who are new to my writing space, it is an exciting and rewarding experience to teach in a submersive environment, just jumping in with students who are jumping into our country to learn our language through song and dance—literally.

There are always a few students who are shy and always some who love me right off the bat. Just like any school year—but it all goes down in about ten days (or less) worth of interaction. The interruption to summer break would have felt like I was being cheated of the well deserved respite from the teaching grind if I didn't love the experience as much as I do. These students are simply inspiring by being so brave to try new things that I am in awe.

If you've never had the chance to teach foreign language speakers, I highly recommend it. There's something about language vulnerability that breaks down walls and makes everyone bond even faster than in a typical classroom. The connections are special and unforgettable.

It's only the first day for me, so I have my adventure still ahead of me these next two weeks!

prepare to be surprised

If you know me at all, you've maybe heard (or read) me allude to one of my favorite movies' quotes from Dan In Real Life to the point of exhaustion, yet as I contemplate the past school year, I cannot help but think of it again:

I want to talk to you about the subject of plans…life plans and how we all make them, and how we hope that our kids make good, smart, safe plans of their own. But if we’re really honest with ourselves, most of our plans don’t work out as we’d hoped. So instead of asking our young people, "What are your plans? What do you plan to do with your life?", maybe we should tell them this: Plan…to be surprised.

When I ended last school year, I had very different plans for the summer and the following school year, this school year. Then, life happened like it always does. And things changed dramatically in more ways than one.

Three major plan changers occurred. I got injured and couldn't do much of anything for months without pain and suffering. I decided I needed to keep teaching instead of going into a master degree program. I for sure fell for a guy.

The injury is something I can't really go into due to legal issues, but suffice it to say, we didn't have the best summer. It was actually quite the opposite. And then this whole school year has been fraught with struggles and surgeries. All of my vacations have been used to rest and recover in varying degrees. I think I'm just about out of that tunnel, but man alive, it has overshadowed the entire past year.

To keep teaching was a big gamble. Changing goals like that when I hadn't found a placement anywhere, let alone at my school I've been at since graduation, was risky stuff. I was applying for teaching and editing jobs  and interviewing like crazy for anything that fit in those two boxes. But then, my school's assistant administrator called me into school to propose a job offer. The contract wasn't big, but the shorter work hours felt like a godsend (Remember, I was in major pain at the time while trying to secure employment.). I just had a feeling I needed to keep things light. And so, I switched jobs again while staying at my same school. That was the happiest surprise I've had since becoming a teacher. I love where I work, so I was really torn about going back to school or working somewhere else. It just feels like a type of home—if work can feel like a home. I must be an official grown up to say something like that.

And about falling for a guy. Well, I did. It kept sneaking up on me little by little over the past several months, but the summertime cracked my heart open to the possibility of letting myself love someone again. I'm going to get a little non-teacherly on you, but I've been dating all sorts since the divorce. Old boyfriends, friends from high school, strangers I met at singles dances, an emotional relationship with someone out of state, and shoot, I even dated a sales guy who was picking up on me at the car dealership. I actually count him as my first stranger (person I didn't know from before I got married and divorced) date. In case you're wondering, we texted awhile and went out twice. It was fun, but I was so not ready at all! I even have had a creep experience that scared me. But back to my point, I have dated around, but I never was able to let anyone totally in for various reasons. And then this guy made his way into my heart. It's been wonderful to spend time building a good and happy friendship and work through issues together. The level of respect and kindness between us means so much to me. He even went to a school play with me. I don't know about you, but I think that's a pretty big deal if someone will do that who isn't even related to the actors or employed by the school. I do love the productions they put on, like it's honestly good, but still. It's a school play. As we head into summer, I am unsure if this is going any further, but I hope it does keep on keeping on.

Slowing down from the injuries and taking a part-time position were both big steps and changed me so much. Nevertheless, to care for someone and be cared about has made the most impact this school year. A real perspective shift. I don't think I could have planned for such big surprises. So what I suggest is to fine tune the saying; preparing to be surprised is more what I believe in. Keep doing things. Keep setting goals. Keep learning and growing. But in all of that, be sure you know surprises will come and have all you do positioning you to be ready for the surprises. I think that's how I was able to make it through this school year truly. I have been preparing and preparing so much for things not even in my sights, yet here I am finishing up a most excellent year because while I was very surprised, I can now see clearly how I was prepared and even ready for it all.

gifts

Gifts fly in on paper wings
Left on the shelf by someone acting like they don't care
Paper airplanes, notes, candy, always candy

They act one way but think another
You can never tell who admires you
Or secretly hates you

In middle school, actions speak differently than words
They don't even understand why they do some things
So you can't judge any books by their covers at this age

When those smiling girls end up detesting your very breath
And the boys who tell everyone how much they hate you
Actually are the ones who leave a trail

I watch for the gifts—small ones, almost imperceivable
To let me know when a teenage soul values me

public shaming

A couple of years ago, I was part of a discussion involving public shaming. Long story short, it involved a special education teacher blowing off some steam because her students had been mistreated while on a field trip. There were numerous enraged responses to the story. People calling the mom and her children horrible names and hoping that the post would make its way around, and she'd end up seeing it and feel embarrassed for her actions.

What no one is remembering is that this snapshot of a parent (regardless of their actions) was taken without their consent and many people are judging actions they did not witness.

Here's a hypothetical: What if they were simply having a terrible day and that's why they were out at the venue, and the mom was having a horrible lapse in judgment? It is no excuse, but objectifying people and publicly shaming has become acceptable somehow, yet it opens the door to becoming what you abhor: a bully.

Am I the only person questioning this method of intolerance? I don't see how public shaming isn't simply another form of mistreatment, which I typically label as bullying. 

Another big issue is that the post was probably not the most effective nor professional method of educating the public about SpecEd. I believe advocating for the student on site would have been the more effective approach and least potentially legally damaging. When out with my own special needs daughter I deal with people directly when there have been public insensitivity incidents. It can get infuriating, but the main point is to educate and hold people accountable in a proper way, so they can learn from the situation.

I'd like to know what you think could be some alternate solutions to such incidents. 

six-word memoir writing process

purple
people
goodness
variety
ostentatious
vivacious
tenacity/tenacious
travel
vacation
new places
hotels
movies
theatre
singing
dancing
writing
classy
tacky
refined
style
New York City
service
flowers
farming
trampolines
aubergine
magazines
addiction
queen
sovereign
change

Seeking an outlet for my social needs during my divorce and need for exercise resulted in a two-year stint with BYU ballroom classes. Dancing has always been something I've enjoyed. Think 14-years-old and church dances. I went from bronze to silver to gold American Social Dance and bronze international ballroom and bronze Latin Dance.

no stupid questions

Not sure where I want to go with this, but I'll start with the fact that there are stupid questions.

Some of you teachers will be aghast at my statement, but I'm telling you, I believe that perpetuating the notion that "there's no such thing as a stupid question" is part of the problem with our decaying society. And now the aghast are probably hyperventilating because that's a pretty bold assumption I've just made. But here's my case:

If children and adults have all the information at their disposal (handouts, visuals, internet accessibility that moment, whatever), and they don't take the time to review the information at their disposal only to ask a question that could be answered if they took the time to review said information, that constitutes a stupid question. What makes it stupid isn't that it doesn't make sense but that it could easily been avoided if that person valued the time of the all-knowing answer giver enough to use some of their own to see if they even needed to ask a question. I am not talking about after taking time to read/review/search the topic at hand the individual has a question. Not at all. After doing all one can do for themselves that's when questions are the best plan of action! No need to sit confused or misunderstanding or even completely clueless if you don't quite get what's on those pages of info. You tried, and that's what matters. That's showing respect for your own intelligence and knowing it's okay to need help sometimes.

It boils down to respect for self and others.

Disrespect is stupid; therefore, if someone isn't respecting their time and the person they are asking, it's a stupid question. Plain and simple. It's so basic that I wonder at how the first person to utter "there are no stupid questions" could even come up with that and not realize they are opening the door for people to get lazy.

All that said, I'd like to know your thoughts on my stupid questions philosophy.

he made me a real teacher

You try to make a difference as you teach each day
You find the ones who need a little love
Encouragement and lent confidence dosed out
In between the lines of each school day
Pep talks and positivity and teacherly friendship
Buffing out life's smudges the best you can

Watching students grow gives fresh hope
For the future
Their future
Your own

Every gain of theirs is a feather in your cap
Every tiny triumph, every giant step
Proves that you knew good and helped it grow
With the promise and expectation
That they would continue showing the world
How brightly they do shine

But the world would have to weep
Foregoing such a privilege and treat
For Heaven needed him back Home
To shine with angels, leaving this temporary stone

And leaving this teacher's heart to mourn
The suddenly changed world, steeped in reality
Yet always to remember his kind and thoughtful smile
And the light that ignited as his confidence was born




For Jacob,
You taught me how teachers become a true teacher, a teacher forever, by loving their students and losing them too soon. You will be missed.

wrapping things up

It's almost the end of the school year, and I am astounded by the rate at which time flew. There have been some very long days and weeks; however, it all seemed to slip right through my fingers.

I'm feeling pretty nostalgic actually. This week will wrap up the last class for the Digital Journalism elective that I teach, so my teaching and grading is coming to a close faster than my social media directing, which never ends pretty much ever. But seriously, teaching this Digital Journalism course has been so good for me. I am good at it. Most of my students are glad to be in my class. The curriculum is student-driven to an extent. And we have a wonderful time learning.

When a class is really effective, the teacher learns more than the students, and I have certainly learned a great deal. I have seen in myself a good teacher, someone who cares, knows what they're doing (most of the time), and teaches by example. This year has helped me grow in confidence, and it is due to the caliber of students that I have in my class. Such good people. Such kind and ready to learn people. I couldn't be happier with how the year went.

And we just won't even get me started on how gorgeous the yearbook turned out. Seriously, that thing is so clean, so fresh, and so wonderfully perfect. My students gave of their talents and worked so hard. And then I went in and proofed it to perfection. What a fulfilling experience!

Next week, when the last day of school happens and we have our end of year party, I will be sure to tell my students about what they gave me. What a gift I've unwrapped.

teacher prep

Being a teacher holds a world of responsibility. Not only do I need to show up, but I must show up prepared. That preparation takes time, effort, and ingenuity. Prep time is precious too. If someone interrupts my rhythm of thought, I can lose my whole idea. Is anyone else like that? It's as if I never even had the brilliant idea if it can fly out of my head that easily!

Even still, preparation isn't just the materials or content you're imparting to young minds either. You have to come prepared to get real. Teaching junior high and high schoolers takes grit and truth, or those kids will eat you alive. Your heart isn't safe either. They can get so funny and interesting that you connect with their writing when they share parts of themselves. You begin to wish every good thing for their futures as if they were part of your family—almost but not quite.

Another way teachers have to be prepared is knowing how to help students if/when they are having a hard time. You have to know what to say, who to ask for support, and, most of all, not make things worse by trying to help.

I'm grateful for having the responsibility of being prepared to teach. The fine young men and women who I have been able to guide thus far have taught me many things and enriched my life immeasurably.

Today, I feel the weight of my responsibility, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

straight up legit

Teacher observations are something that I've been through before and done well at. But this one went so perfectly that I think I'll never have a better one in my life.

I teach Digital Journalism, so I need to hit curriculum points for the differing categories that my course falls under for my students' graduation requirements. It's a lot to juggle, I'm sure all the teachers can imagine. As I planned for the evaluation today, I wondered if I would do well or if I'd be seen as a wreck of a teacher. I haven't felt like a wreck, but that someone looking from the outside in thing has provided many a reality check throughout the years!

So anyway. I was given high praise for my "excellent classroom community" and for the caliber of student progress, and so much more. And I just feel so legit. It's the one word that keeps rising to the top, and it's simply perfect. I am a legit professional educator now. It's a fact I need to remind myself when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.

There is no better feeling than this right now. I needed to be praised for something good and given credit for my efforts. I am thankful for it all too. 

backhanded compliments

It is the first week of back to school for me, and I have mixed emotions because my roles at school are mixed. But my word of the year accommodate urges me to find all the joy.

Not sure how much I've said on the topic already, but the fact is that I'm not an English teacher this school year, and it has been a challenging mental transition for me after working so diligently to achieve that role. I have loved teaching English. It suits me and all my nerdy inclinations along with my desire to teach.  However, the private school where I work needed my social media and editing expertise more and offered me a social media director position as well as being the Digital Journalism teacher, and I simply had to accept. I love where I work. It feels less like working and more like living true to myself, so I know it has been the best path for me. Accommodating space for change and flexibility this year has shown me that my word of the year was no accident.

Both of my positions entail teaching, writing, and shaping young minds, so that's why I say it has only been challenging and not earth shattering for me to stop teaching English for a time. Part of the Digital Journalism course is creating the school's yearbook, and I taught Yearbook last year, so having that constant has been comforting as I break into this new field of social media directorship. And I am enjoying what I do. Not many people can say that about their work.

There is something that happened on the first day that I want to share though, something that made me feel grateful and gladdened and even quite emphatically appreciated as a teacher:

While working in my new office, a student dropped by between classes. Several students have done so to say hello, talk about how excited they are for school to be back in session, and so forth. It has been a very happy time to have these small interruptions as I work. But this particular student came in and said something that stands out from the rest.

He began with something to the effect of I didn't really enjoy your class all the time. It was great, but I didn't always like it. And then some more stumbling over other words of that tone. And so, I was confused as to why he'd come into my office to share that, but I kept on listening intently, and I'm glad I waited for the turn for the better.

After mildly assaulting my pride, he added how sometimes we don't realize what we had until it's gone, that sometimes we have to have something not be there for us to appreciate it, and a few other generous yet indirect compliments. And then my mind connected it all, and I felt my joy overflow. I understand about not appreciating people and circumstances fully until things change or they are no longer part of my life. I understand too well. And now I understand how it feels to know when someone has realized what you gave to help them—how you gave your heart to help them learn.

This school year will be another big year of learning and growth for me, and I intend to remember this situation to remind me to appreciate people and my circumstances in the moment. It is good to finally appreciate, going through a gratitude process, but I believe it will serve me better to recognize how my gifts and talents make a difference despite who is or isn't appreciating them in the moment too. I will make room for every opportunity even if it means things get mixed up because in the mixing maybe there will be surprises like I had on my first day of school of not being an English teacher.

Side note: I have learned in my time as a teacher that when teenaged boy students begin with almost insulting points but have a kind smile on their face while doing so, you must wait for the compliment—or even find it hiding between the lines, beneath the surface.

happy exhaustion

Nothing can prepare you for your first First Day Back from Christmas Break—not all the funny memes in the world—not all the warnings from seasoned teachers—nothing. I was even naïve enough to be giddy with excitement to see my students before school. Giddy, I tell you. I even wore purple heels to show my excitement for this first first day back, the first day of the second semester at my school. Heels. On the first day back. 

And then I went to school. I was happy and fun and energetic. I was high on lesson planning during my prep period. I accomplished so much! My students were glad to see me. Some even said they missed class and me. Talk about sweet appreciation. It was magnificent. 

And then I was asked to edit some school documents really quickly after school. And then I walked out to my car. And during this process is when the exhaustion began settling in. I don't think I have felt that tired in like forever or maybe the first day of school (same difference). As I type this out, I'm wondering how I will fare tomorrow and the next day. I'm a tad afraid, actually. 

All this talk about how I might fall asleep typing and I'm truly thankful we were given a gift card to a nice dinner spot that we used tonight has me all concerned. I am crazy tired. It's bad. What will tomorrow be like?! There are no memes to warn you about the second day after the Christmas break. 

One last thing before I nod off: Being a teacher gives me happiness unmeasured. 

severe

At the end of my first day of classes, I was reflecting on it and wanted to come up with one word to describe the experience. The first word that popped in my head was severe. I know that might sound like it was a terrible day, but I assure you it was not terrible. How was it severe then? I will outline it for you.

Before School: 

Severe fashion problem; somehow I overlooked planning out my outfit for the day! Severely short on time because my elementary school aged child decided he didn't know how to get ready for school on time. Traffic was severe. End of that discussion. Severely hectic while carrying a severe amount of bags and boxes of severely last minute supplies into the classroom with some of said boxes being severely heavy. 

During School: 

Severely wonderful start to the school day with a severely loud cheer for me at the morning assembly. I felt so accepted and welcomed back. Severely joyful reunion with 80-90% of my classes having returning students in them. Severely short class periods (because of the assembly) made me feel severely rushed. 

After School: 

Severely busy. Getting my sousaphone player to band practice five minutes late, driving for forty-five minutes (each way) for a child's doctor appointment, driving back to school to re-film an instructional video, picking up dinner on the way to the school for my family, talking to the air for a video syllabus, and driving home past my children's bedtime but stopping for ice cream cones because the day demanded a little treat. Wrangling monkey people into bed while absolutely exhausted in all ways. 

A full and successful first day of teaching, but it is severity at its finest. Right? 

a glad heart

The sun warms me as I sit at my desk grading papers, and my first thought is how thankful I am to be a teacher. 

It became a dream of mine in high school, and then I started real life—working full-time, paying my way through school, among other things. Those other things have taken me on quite the journey. More times than I can count, I believed I would never reach this point. But reach it I did, and I am so thankful. My students are so encouraging and teachable. 

And beyond how they affect me, they are all stellar individuals with such unique and interesting personalities. It is a pleasure to be part of their journey to reach their dreams. 

The sun continues to shine on me, and my heart is glad. 

dance do-over

A student's YES! reply to Prom

Something that I adore about being a teacher is that I get to do a few high school things over. None of it is like a total do-over obviously, but I still get to have a fresh experience in some of the same situations. One of those same situations happens to be Prom. 

For my first quasi do-over I was a chaperone for Homecoming, and it was a blast. During the fast songs, many of my students were dragging me into the center of the circle and realizing that I have a few dance moves. Even with going stag, I don't think I ever had that much fun at a Homecoming dance in my entire high school life—and I had an amazing time at Homecoming dances. But to get back to Prom . . . 

Prom is a different story. I remember getting picked up in my boyfriend's brother's super hot red Acura and me looking like a million bucks just so I could stand in line for like ever for photographs in the entry of the Officers' Club on Nellis Air Force Base. Then, I danced a couple times with my date, a couple times with a few friends, but that was it. My boyfriend didn't care about making my Senior Prom memorable for me. I have so many regrets leading up to that day and on that night. Too much information to share even with me being an over sharer. 

So anyway. When I got word that Prom is coming up for my school, I thought it would be fun to make my first Prom as a teacher something worth remembering. Erase some bad by writing some good onto the page, right? Crazy me actually told a few students that I was considering bringing someone with me, so I could dance the slow songs too, and they all freaked out demanding that I do some elaborate ask-a-date-to-prom thing. Well, if you count sending a text as elaborate, I totally made good on their demands. 

And the best part about this story is he said yes. 

shooting from the hip

This whole teaching gig is something else. I don't think I've been able to catch my breath once in the past month. Being a single mom and a new teacher is not glamorous whatsoever. It seems like I am living day-to-day without a safety net.

I got so caught up in the bustle of appointments/teaching/grading/freaking out/extra-curricular activities last week that I forgot to write! And that is so not cool. I truly believed that once I was finished with student teaching that I would settle into a glorious routine and leave behind that bad habit of spacing it that had occurred during that last semester. Alas, I have zero routine so far, let alone a glorious one.

Shooting from the hip paints a more informed picture. There have been software issues, website issues, lesson planning issues, web/technical issues, classroom issues, grading issues, and probably other issues that I just haven't had time to recognize yet but are still very much going to come out of the woodwork once I can breathe for a second. I teach something meaningful and connected each day, so I guess it's not as bad as it feels, but it feels like I am failing.

Regarding failing, today I actually said out loud to a teacher who borrows my room for one period, "I am so glad that I make it through each week and no one wants to fire me." Like, I totally said that. Out loud. To another teacher. She smiled and laughed, but I don't think she quite realized that my dry humor was so dry when I said it that I was dead serious. Now all I can picture is a dead piece of driftwood. And now squirrels because SQUIRREL! 

Yes, I am totally exhausted, even so exhausted that I am making jokes about my jokes, and all of them are of the stupid variety. Good grief. So anyway . . .

As I reflect on the bigger picture, it is the best feeling each day when I still have a key to the school and one for my classroom. I worry about finding balance ever, but I honestly feel a wave of gratitude as I put the key into the lock and turn it every school day. That feeling of being entrusted with the minds of young people gives me energy to keep trying and doing my very best.

crying adventure

I don't really know what to say today . . .

I've cried a river and then some. I taught some amazing things with a simple list of commonly confused words as a vehicle for discussion and learning, while I choked back internal tears. I drove home talking to myself, but actually crying to my trusty listener, the car. The Beast holds some major secrets from all the crying jags I've been on since getting it last April. Such a good car. And then crying more at home while wrapped up in blankets on my lovely purple sofa. 

The day was stuffed full with learning, feeling, listening, teaching, understanding, and coming back to myself to see that I still want what I want. Life is funny that way. We get taken on side adventures just to teach us what we already know, but the awesome part is that we have all that experience to fuel the journey further. 

Another thing I learned today is that I can teach while I am having personal issues. I was even funny during the last class of the day. Like so funny that the students said they like me in that state of mind. Little do they know what it takes to get me stupid funny—numb and broken down from crying half the day. 

Lastly, I'm all done crying, and I guess I figured out what to say. So that's more good news. 

begging for encouragement

The first week down, anxiety, planning, and hopefully finding a groove to go.

Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying the time. How amazing it is to have accomplished my goal and have the opportunity to move forward with my plans! However, it's such a learning curve to begin being a teacher without having the support of a supervisor and mentor anymore. I have been prepared to do this thing, and yet I find myself wishing to be back where I know and feel connected.

I'm betting that most first-year teachers go through this impostor syndrome stuff. I'd like to hear it though, so if anyone reading this knows what I'm going through, I'd be more than grateful for any reassurances that I'm normal (at least in this regard!).

And for anyone who doesn't know what I'm going through, encouragement on this anxious morning/day/night/week would really hit the spot.

on thin ice

One month. I have just one month until student teaching overtakes my life for a time. And the worst news is that I am unprepared for it. I feel as if I am skimming the surface, trying to find a rhythm that isn't there. My only thought is to throw in the towel and put it off until my life slows down a little. I can't see how I will be able to do all that is required and take care of my family and everything else that is going on right now. However, if the past eight years is any indicator, I have been able to make it through some rough spots, and I don't believe my life will be any less insane come January. I weigh this all out in my mind at least twice a day, and I convince myself that quitting is not an option. When I talk to my friends and family, I speak of this quitting option as if it were a real option. I think everyone is just sitting back waiting to see if I'll actually go against my nature and quit or keep on going as per usual.

To be completely transparent, this is not a joke or exaggeration. I honestly contemplate pushing off student teaching for a semester. And I'd totally do it, except I also worry that I won't ever go back and finish if I stop (or even press pause) for now. I don't feel strong enough or smart enough or resilient enough to do what I dreamt I would do when this time came. There is not enough of me left to give at this point.

I feel like an ice skater slipping on thin ice, and if I fall just right, I won't ever get back up because I will have fallen through, into a perilous abyss.

a slice of language barrier

The phrase "language barrier" wasn't imagined from nothing. Language is a type of gate. If we have full use of the language in our culture, we feel successful; we make friends; we can communicate our needs to others--our teachers, for one. When a student comes into the classroom, teachers need to help open the gate by taking the time to see if they are trapped behind a language barrier.

I am reminded of when I was a tutor at the community college from which I received my Associates degree. One of the students I was helping struggled terribly in her English writing course. In order to get to know why this seemingly bright individual might be having trouble, I decided to ask her about herself. I discovered that she was a refugee from Afghanistan and had the equivalent of a doctorate degree in her homeland, but due to the language barrier, she could not access her knowledge effectively in her new environment. 

The significance of her plight touched a chord that continues to reverberate through my heart. The ability to communicate opens doors—and a lack thereof can close and even lock them. 

Teachers have the opportunity to help students get the tools they need to access what they know, enabling students to experience encouragement and inclusion instead of failure or ostracism because they happen to be on the other side of the gate at the moment. 

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