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This Phoenix Speaks

Seven years in the making, my first published book, This Phoenix Speaks , is now a reality. The tireless and tiring work invested to ma...

changing every day

I am looking out the window of my newly reconfigured office, and I have the word change on my mind.

People talk a lot about change: the way we don't like change and people resist change, how people change all the time, that change is inevitable, so we need to make choices to change for the better. Change, change, change. I have found that I like change, not all change, mind you, but for the most part.

As we grow older (and hopefully up), change is inherent in the human experience. Anyone selling you that trash about how you shouldn't change is full of it and ought not be trusted that they have your best interest at heart. Seek out how to change—to adapt—and life seems to be kept on simpler terms because you're at least almost ready for the next hill or mountain you need to climb. And those hills and mountains come because that is life. That is change. It is how we learn and grow into who we are meant to become. 

The one thing that I watch for amidst all the fine tuning that happens day by day is how I make sure to keep people in my life. If you don't use some of the time you've been given on them, the degrees of separation become greater. There are some people that I want no degree of separation from. I never want to lose them from my life. However, if effort isn't made amidst all the change, they won't fit anywhere. There won't be room after even a year's worth of life's reconfigurations. 

We change every day, and hopefully, it's always leading us to become our best self and bringing us closer to the people who make our lives worth living.

remembering now

As the summer progresses and the chores list gets longer and the projects beg for more time, I find myself in the midst of memory making that keeps catching my breath.

I never thought I'd stop to relish the yelling of a teen girl (when she's not looking, of course). I honestly never believed I'd be able to savor the idea and actual event of my children going off for a week of summer camp. I surely never thought I could find joy in driving around town running errands until I'm exhausted just to have some time away from the house with all its chores, projects, and problems.

I've even taken to trying to find a way to love the struggles I experience as time goes by and there's no one who wants us. I see how much I can do myself to be happy along with what is left with no solution, and I find a way to be content. This process will either teach me how to be a better companion, a more grateful and giving one, or it will harden me against the cruel world, so I believe it is a good thing.

Realizing how often I take a moment in the moment to relish, savor, and enjoy these mundane and even traumatic experiences, the only thing to do is make sure I write about it as much as I can. I want to remember these summer days when I learned the value of time spent with people I love and how to manage finding joy in every aspect.

There's this song I've been obsessed with over the past month that I'd like to share with you.  It gets me crying some days, and on the others, it's a delightful reminder that now is the time to remember. Now is the time to make sure the time is spent well and with whom I love most; tomorrow is not when we make memories that take our breath away.

This is the Time to Remember

more than a story

“Reader, be assured this narrative is no fiction.” 
― W.E.B. Du Bois

In every word I write
Poetry and prose
Between every line
Even within the spaces
Between punctuation
There is a truth to be had
A silence that speaks
An emotion of truth
And desire
And hope
All true

In every word I write
There is more to every word
I speak
Holding my breath bated
There is more to every word
I keep
Held within my splintering heart
Where I hide from the hurt
Where I save up my courage
To feel the joy I deserve
To know that I am worth it

In every word I write
Poetry and prose
You will find pieces of me
Part and parcel, lain out to dry
And if you care enough
If you look and listen and try
You will see all of me
One day
And find your way
And stay

my inspiration

I got news today that The Purple Lady of Santa Maria, CA has passed away.

While I never had the opportunity to meet her, she was my inspiration when I was having my identity crisis as my divorce became inevitable. I thought about how she lived with such gusto for this color and how she made an impression on my young mind as a child that I couldn't forget her even though I had never met her.

From the first time I heard about her, I wanted to make an impact like her. When the divorce began, I wanted to know who I am despite the troubles that plagued me. I wanted to show the world that I could make it and not have to be dragged down by lack of a name to call my own because I would make one for myself. I would write and share my journey with a nom de plume.

The only things I know about that Purple Lady personally are the things I've read on other blogs and old news articles, but I feel like if I could have met her, she and I would have gone on for hours talking about this color that stands out above the rest.

She will always be remembered in my heart for inspiring my heart as a child and then helping me make my way through the treacherous waters of divorce. I might not have my legal identity settled, but my creativity and inner self has always had a name to share with the world because of her inspiration, and I will forever be thankful for her example of celebrating life with purple vibrancy.

Related Links:

Origin of The Purple Lady

A Little Research Goes a Long Way

How the Infatuation Began

without a doubt

To feel like I belong
In your world
That you make space
And take courage enough
To shut out the noise and allow
Priority to take place
For this quiet, loving world
We create day by day
There are no bounds
But the ones we set
Take down the walls
Give our joy its rightful chance
To let it happen
This spark, this love
This imperfect yet immaculate
Friendship, our sweet delight
A place to call home
Within our hearts
A place to heal together
A place to never depart
Because it's ours
Help me know
And show me
I will forever belong
Because my darling you
Know that you belong there too

defying negativity

What to write about. What to write.

I could go on about how I have been feeling down. I could tell you how much I wish for someone I love to choose me back. I could cry another river like the one I did a few weeks ago that hasn't seemed to dry up even still. 

But I don't want to go into any of that. I just don't. It won't solve anything. Time and choices will tell how I make it through all of this. 

So this leaves me with needing something to write about. How about I write about how I am the luckiest person to have a soft bed to lie on when I am feeling upset. I have like four pillows, the best quilts ever, and my bedroom is over 400 square feet on its own floor, so I can usually languish in peace. I'll write about how I might not have someone here to stay yet, but I know he will once he's prepared for life with me—and I'm fully prepared for him. I hold an ocean of hope in this heart that I won't be left without someone to share love. My crying stints might not communicate that, but it's true. And that brings me to the blessing of being able to feel. I think I'll write about how I am thankful that I can love so much that I'd be able to cry a river and it never dry up. I'll be grateful for this tender heart of mine that wants more and is always watching and waiting and hoping that love will find its way to me. Wanting for a home that is within arm's reach justifies a few tears and then some. 

Making my way through this life hasn't been easy, but there are many people out there with similar or even more distressing issues. I must remember to write about how I will overcome my circumstances. I will continue to write about the courageous way I take this path. I will defy the consensus that failure is an option. I will not believe that no one will ever do what it takes to stay. 

Seeking to Become - June 2016

It seems to be happening regardless of my desire to do so, but becoming more humble in all things is something I want to strive toward.

There have been times throughout the past month when humility has been required of me, and I took my time in finding some. It isn't easy to see shortcomings, own them, and do something about them. Yet as I ponder how I want to be, who I want to become, where I want to go in my life, I see that humility will help me.

I have decided to study and ponder the scripture, James 4:10:

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up. 

Who doesn't need lifting up? I don't know of anyone who couldn't use a boost now and again. And to think about the atonement of Christ, how we are able to be lifted out of our sin and sorrow because of that sacrifice, Christ's loving and selfless sacrifice, I realize all the more how humility plays a role in becoming more Christlike.

To be lifted up, truly lifted in heart, mind, and soul, we must be able to see our shortcomings, let go of the destructive facets of pride and ego and selfishness. This month, I hope you will join me in striving to recognize where humility is necessary and work on becoming so humbled that we feel lifted as we do so.