recovered

With bandaged heart, 

I take the mirror, 

Crashed and broken, 

Searching my reflection

In every shard of glass, 

and the question, 

"Will I ever be recovered enough?"

Begins knocking around in my head. 

The shards become reflections 

Of him and me

Offering a certain quality

To the demanded answer—yes. 

writer life

 

Hands-on giving,

The artist connect the little things

Made with dance and sanctuary,

Proximity to an opportunity for growth.

Delicious smile—

The joy is in the giving. 

I hurt too

Three words: I hurt too
Echoing through the halls
Of her bleeding heart's home

No words come.
As pain seeps into earthen thoughts
That won't ever be forgot

Carving into every corner
Of our layers of memory
We make a mark that stains

Changed yet cherished
Broken yet blessed
Paralyzed while moving forward

It hurts because we love
There is something missing
And that is you, me, us

It hurts when truth is locked
There is pain when the heart
Knows better but we turn the other way

My home hurts
Echoing my own thoughts
I hurt too.

I can't.

Can't. I'm sorry.
I love you.
No expectations
Until your soul spoke to mine,
Yet no expectation but
What anyone else could have
If they weren't me.

Can't. I don't want to.
Letting go is not an option
My heart can handle
Anything but losing us
To the world of drama and betrayal.
The chance that could be had
Lies in your hands.

Can't. Or won't.
Not to be or not to be.
That is not the question.
We know what we are.
We know what could be.
But which is it?
Can't or won't.

Can't. Too busy.
Choking down my pride,
Watching you choose
To not see me like I thought you would,
Realizing I'm not chosen yet again.
To stop the tears is impossible.
I just can't.

the weather

Rushing past one another like white water in a ripping river mid summer

Or like turbulent wind whipping through a canyon each fall.

Both of us damaged by an unforgiving frost that sears the ground in winter.

Yet even still—you still were able to stop long enough

To see me. 

Turning winter to spring eternal,

You, who claims to be broken, 

You, who claims to not be able to,

Have loved me enough

To slow down and cherish me,

To cherish us.

You saw me before I showed you

All the hurt and scars.

You held me in your arms

With words and music, 

And then you let me in 

To witness your brilliant heart

Trusting me with more than either ever thought

We could share and still withstand the unrelenting weather.

You took me in your arms to dance

One starry night never to be the same—you and me. 

You witnessed the tears with love and care.

You share with me things you will not write out anymore—please begin again.

Save us from the burning coals

Of misguided gallantry

That stand to burn our bridge as we build it. 

I saw you before you showed me 

All the hurt and scars. 

I sang to you the song

You hadn't heard for too long, 

And then I let you in

To witness my stalwart love

Trusting you with more than either ever thought

We could share and still withstand the unbending weather.

Leap into the light. 

Take my hand, my darling friend.

Allow me to show you what I know

That we might have a proper chance.

Rescue your heart 

From the frostbite 

That threatens to keep you down. 

We saw each other before we showed ourselves

All the tender care we shared as it began to heal our hearts. 

We nurture and care for one another

Like we've never truly had with any other, 

And now the time is near 

For letting go of fear

Trusting ourselves—trusting us—with more than we ever thought

We could share as we prove this bond shall bring us through 

Every type of weather.

Words in italics by C.T. Duncan

quality control

With bandaged heart, 

I take the mirror, 

Crashed and broken, 

Searching my reflection

In every shard of glass, 

And the question 

"Will I ever be recovered enough?"

Begins knocking around in my head. 

The shards become reflections

Of him and me

Offering a certain quality

To the demanded answer—yes. 

Found words from Journey to the Fringe by Kelli Swofford Nielsen, page 91. 

a slice of cough medicine

Things still aren't straight for me. This cough is hanging on like a death grip saving your life from falling off the ledge of a thirteen-storey building, and my energy level is buried somewhere out back under all the snow that won't be melting until sometime in the summer. I don't have a clue when I'll ever dig my way out. It all sounds so tiring as it is.

Someone come tell my body to perk up and at least pretend that it likes me. And while I'm thinking of it, I think somebody ought to volunteer for a birthday kiss with my birthday coming up soon. I don't think this is the best audience for that type of request, but maybe one of you knows somebody who knows somebody who wouldn't be afraid of the whole idea. I don't want to arrange something with any of the "local singles in my area" that I already see here and there. It's just not even something I'm up for right now. And it has to be a good kiss. None of that scratching my face off with razor sharp facial hair jazz. That's my one request in all this business.

I wouldn't even be saying/thinking/writing/feeling any of this if I weren't so, to quote myself, "tired of kissing people I don't love." And you know, I certainly shouldn't say much more than that. But I believe that is quite enough.

Now that I think of it, I probably should erase some of this stuff. Like, who even wants to know that I am still sick and don't even care if I get someone else (even a stranger!) sick for my birthday. It is disturbing even to me that I'd write these things out. But whatever. If this is as adventurous as I get under the circumstances, I think I'm doing alright.

And these are the things I think and write about while under the influence of cough medicine. Just call this the first installment of the cough medicine chronicles. Then you need to cross your fingers (and possibly your toes) that I never need to write another one of these "chronicles" again.

flexibility

It's amazing how becoming ill can change all of your plans. You are going along, making plans, doing your thing, working, taking care of your family, and carving out time for fun. And then something happens. You get sick. One degree off from your normal temperature, and all of a sudden the brakes are on and everything else is off!

If it were only the one degree, it wouldn't be so bad, but it was more than that; it was a few degrees for a few days, and with a few days off, nothing is the same. The entire pace is off, and plans are different, proving how life is one big improvisation if you do it right.

Flexibility from day to day while working toward big goals, big dreams, and happy things is essential for life. Fevers are not my favorite, but the stopping that it forced me to do helped me slow down and realize how many things are going right, and I also could see how many people I have in my corner. I am well loved, and that keeps me going. The improvisations we encounter are sometimes the best part of this life!

building walls

Siempre estaré aquí 
Are words I won't take lightly.
I see, hear, and watch for always
Sensing it in the air between us.
And nothing, no one, anywhere
Has been able to get past
That invisible electricity
A magnetic force drawing me in
With no ability to turn back now
I see the walls that remain
And the only thought I have
Is to break them down brick by brick
With a loving hand
If you will but hold the one that's free
I'll let you build a sanctuary on the other side
For us to shore up against the tide
Keeping our love safe from the battering
Waves of doubt and habit
Brick by brick
You take mine and I'll take yours
Making them ours to create
A welcome home
Where neither of us wants to leave

keep trying

Words can mean anything we want with just the right mindset.

These words, "Push button to open doors. If door begins to close push button again," are directions for boarding the train. However, I saw them as a metaphorical opening of doors for my adventure this past week. And right now, I hope they will be seen as a prompt to forgive, be kind, and continue keeping those doors wide open.

All of it is for me to remember that I want doors to stay open and to stop saying everything that comes to mind, so they won't close.

magnificent

Gifts resplendent were laid across my path this day
Gentle words, lovingkindness, appreciation
An overflowing well of pure, sparkling inspiration

A glimmering smile lit my shadowed face
Wondrous and  unforeseen, sheer delight
Such generosity of spirit sharing its depth and height

No longer feeling the drought within this heart
Drawing upon lines of uncomplicated sincerity
Drinking from the cup of an everlasting amity

Pushing me to see with deepened vision
My priceless gift—full to the brim with felicity
Leaving no room for bleak opacity