I didn't count on my year-long quest for humility to take away my words, but that's what happened. The more I focused on becoming more humble and understanding of others, the less I talked, wrote, expressed myself in any form. I found that being quiet helps me to see where I stand and can respond to others with more understanding.
The crazy thing is I began a large writing project in the midst of this year and really got going on it, but when I realized it was not helping me attain a more humble attitude, I simple put it down. I don't know if I'll ever pick that book idea up again actually. I would have liked to tell the story, a charming and funny perspective on parts of my life (I think I might have told you about the idea actually), and I even have major rough draft of it ready, but I cannot tell if it would be worth it to me to put my mind back in that place now that I know how it affects me to tell those stories.
I want to find my future, and looking at humility straight in the face has helped me see where I want to go to find that future. It does not lie in any backstory or past person who is not present for me in the present. It does not lie in old words, old feelings, or old relationships. The future I want lies in finding a new story to tell. Even if it ends up being an old story made new, the process of it becoming new is essential for me to have what I need in my life.
I want love that heals and helps me as I know that my love does those things for others. I've had time this year to contemplate how I care for others—friends, family, and lovers. I give my whole heart to people every day, and that's not a prideful statement but one coming from keen observation and coming to understand myself. And not all people give their whole heart. I learned this lesson when a long, involved relationship ended in May. I also was able to see myself giving too much of my heart too soon with another person. I never thought there was a way to give too much, but if people don't want your love, it is too much. It has taken a lot of humility to recognize these things, and I am thankful I took time this year to examine it all.
To be humble takes a lot out of you while giving you all the more in return. I am struggling to let go of the feelings that keep me down, yet I know as I humble myself, I will be better off and more able to touch that future I hope for.
Maybe this new decade will hold what I seek.
