how humility helped me

I didn't count on my year-long quest for humility to take away my words, but that's what happened. The more I focused on becoming more humble and understanding of others, the less I talked, wrote, expressed myself in any form. I found that being quiet helps me to see where I stand and can respond to others with more understanding.

The crazy thing is I began a large writing project in the midst of this year and really got going on it, but when I realized it was not helping me attain a more humble attitude, I simple put it down. I don't know if I'll ever pick that book idea up again actually. I would have liked to tell the story, a charming and funny perspective on parts of my life (I think I might have told you about the idea actually), and I even have major rough draft of it ready, but I cannot tell if it would be worth it to me to put my mind back in that place now that I know how it affects me to tell those stories.

I want to find my future, and looking at humility straight in the face has helped me see where I want to go to find that future. It does not lie in any backstory or past person who is not present for me in the present. It does not lie in old words, old feelings, or old relationships. The future I want lies in finding a new story to tell. Even if it ends up being an old story made new, the process of it becoming new is essential for me to have what I need in my life.

I want love that heals and helps me as I know that my love does those things for others. I've had time this year to contemplate how I care for others—friends, family, and lovers. I give my whole heart to people every day, and that's not a prideful statement but one coming from keen observation and coming to understand myself. And not all people give their whole heart. I learned this lesson when a long, involved relationship ended in May. I also was able to see myself giving too much of my heart too soon with another person. I never thought there was a way to give too much, but if people don't want your love, it is too much. It has taken a lot of humility to recognize these things, and I am thankful I took time this year to examine it all.

To be humble takes a lot out of you while giving you all the more in return. I am struggling to let go of the feelings that keep me down, yet I know as I humble myself, I will be better off and more able to touch that future I hope for.

Maybe this new decade will hold what I seek.

gratefulness untold

If I could make a list of all that I am thankful for,
It would look like an endless book unbound
With sheets and sheets of people, places, and things.
If I could show you a pile of everything I love,
It would look like every single leaf in autumn
Or every snowflake ever fallen from a winter sky
Or all the flower buds and birds' nests in trees
Strewn across the world's magnificent floors.
If I could tell you in a story about everything I value,
It would look like an eternity sitting at the fireside
With friends and family and strangers
All around as we speak of goodness and knowledge
And happiness and growth as we enjoy friendship and warmth.
If I could give you a piece of all that I am thankful for,
It would not fit in all the universe,
For heaven holds even more
Than this speck of space ever could.

gratefulness: teaching

Is it weird to be thankful I am a teacher? I have always loved helping people learn, and I always thought I might become an English teacher, but now that I live this teacher life, I am thankful I am where I am. It would be wonderful to earn more for what I do, but I am exceedingly grateful to be teaching at a great school. The schedule I work blesses my family more than money ever could, so I give great thanks for where I am.

But I'm also glad to have so many nonprofessional opportunities to teach as well. There are people all around me who teach me but also let me teach them. It is a blessing to me when I have the chance to share my knowledge and lift another because of what I have learned. Sometimes, I consider how often I have the chance to teach others, and it is astonishing. Teaching is definitely one of my callings in life.

Whenever I think I might not be making a difference in life, I am often reminded of the people I help through various teaching opportunities. And it fills my soul with humble gratitude.

gratefulness: family

My family. So many people. I don't know where to begin when I think of everyone in my family who make a difference in my life, past and present. My parents, their parents, and theirs. Do I begin with the people I created, my children? The purpose and direction I have because of their existence makes my life what it is. But then I think of how my son is getting married this coming week, and I think of my future family. I think of how God answered my humble prayers and sent this sweet girl to bless my son and all of us. I consider all of the cousins who love me and help me and let me love them. There are so many people to be grateful for. I am thankful for my brothers and their families, my sisters in law and nieces and nephews. Gratitude is high for my brother who fought for our country and strives to keep going and is always my friend. I am thankful for the ancestors I never met who came across the sea long before the United States of America was even born to help forge this land and make a home for me. I am who I am because of my family, this near, far, extended, and self created family that I love.

gratefulness: discernment

As November approached, I contemplated my annual gratitude month daily writing. It has merit. It helps me to focus on the good things in my life. But this year has been bearing down on me as it comes to a close, and writing every single day sounds like it might break me. When I came to this conclusion, I realized that it would be just fine to write once a week and give myself a break from the full expectation.

Making that decision alone is something to be grateful for. I haven't always been good at seeing when I am needlessly making life more difficult by piling on too many good things. Writing every day is a good thing until it becomes a chore that could push you over the edge into a mild depression because life is just that hectic. That is when it becomes not a good thing. Having discernment about something so valuable to my life shows me that I am getting better in tune with my needs and limitations and caring for myself better.

I am thankful for the lessons I have learned that got me here, knowing that it is good to write less, and I hope to hear from some of you about what you are grateful for as we work on increasing gratefulness this month.

I will shine

I forgot to write a slice of life last week, and my only excuse (as if I need one) is that I have so much on my plate that I must recognize I do not have time some days. It is not even about priorities as much as it is about literally not having enough of me to go around with all that is required of me as a single mother, teacher, editor, social media manager, friend, and so on—because I am not in any one box ever. My existence is overflowing with good thing and hard things and stressful things, and I get overwhelmed by it all some days. Last week was one of those days, yes, the whole week. It was like one big Mondayish seven-day period. That's the only way I can think to explain it. Just lots to do and no way to get around any of it.

Despite the failure to write last week, I still have renewed hope in the fact that I can keep writing, that I have not put the pen down again. I intend to explore fresh ideas and begin writing something brave and let my light shine. Stay tuned for more!

daily direction

Every single day, we have choices to make. Some of those choices are small, and some of them are big. Regardless of the immediate impact, all choices add up to life changing motion.

My mind races to a slew of questions as I consider what choices I make and how they are mapping out my journey with every yes or no, going or staying, save or delete, etc. Where will this string of texts lead? What will happen if I cancel going to _____ and stay home? How long can I get away with working instead of socializing without negative results?

Everyone's roads look similar, but we all have an individual path that curves and heads uphill and down at different times—usually. My best friend and I have this uncanny ability to live parallel lives. It's been so strange and such a blessing all at once. Three out of four of our children have birthdays within months of each other for one example. There are many other nuances to our lives that run right alongside one another, and it used to freak me out at first, but now I'm used to it and welcome it. We seem to understand each other without even having to explain ourselves a lot of the time because of how connected we are. But this is not the case for most people. We have such distinctly different roads we travel. People learn in such individualized ways and at differing times of life. The lessons we learn through our daily decisions set us up in the future for all sorts of positive and negative consequences. It is fascinating to consider it all. It can also be maddening if you get going on too many what-ifs. I do not recommend it.

My take away from this train of thought is that we should be mindful of our decisions, but we should not overthink it. Work on being your best self each day, and keep on trying. Everyone has to put the pedal to the metal and drive, or we let the little things take over without any purposeful direction.

uphill

Not sure where I'm headed except for uphill.
The day has been long, but the night was even longer.
Shadows and storms still make their way in,
Yet the sun shines through as my heart is stronger.
Blue skies face me as hope ebbs and flows
With sorrows of the past used as stepping stones.
Though time slips by with each passing mile, I grow
In confidence and joy toward what the future owns.
The journey is more than I can bear some days
With so much sun to shoulder by myself.
Uphill battles, sidetracks, and rocky terrain
Strengthen these weary feet for something else—
The peace of home and loving care,
When this heart no longer is lain bare.

forgiveness

I've never considered myself a grudge holder until I watched this one TED talk, Why Forgiveness Is Worth It. With each minute that passed as I listened to what Sarah Montana had to say, I recognized in myself a need to change.

Lately, my contemplations have been focused on what am I doing that adds to the negativity in my life and how can I turn that around and be more positive. It has been a difficult exercise, looking at my contributions to the bad aspects of family and professional life. Yet in wanting to be more humble, this exercise has been just that—very humbling. I had never been able to see how I add to the struggle in particular situations. And I believe a big part of this fault is that I might think I let go and forgive, but in actuality, I am hanging onto small threads of anger and/or disappointment that ruin my new interactions in small (and sometimes big) ways. Montana said near the end of her talk, "Real forgiveness has to let go of all expectations." I consider some of those negative threads as my false expectations that need to be set free, so I can find the confidence I am lacking to move ahead with positivity.

The key to rooting out these damaging threads will be to search for ways to more fully forgive and heal and truly let go of the hurt. I'm not just talking about the hurt caused by others either. I am talking about learning to forgive myself better and let myself be the good person that I know I am. I bring up my past faults and mistakes too often to honestly say I have forgiven myself. Once I practice this for myself, I believe I will be able to more freely let go of the damage from others as I go off the idea that we are our own worst critics.

Being a dreamer and goal setter and get out there and get what you want type, I can see more clearly that forgiveness will be how I am able to more fully live the life I have imagined.  I want love to motivate and drive my thoughts, words, and actions, and it begins with clearing out the pain and letting myself be free to love myself and others unfettered by the past.

fresh water

I awoke early this morning, took a shower in the calm quiet that exists only when children are sleeping, and I had a thought: I am thankful for fresh, clean water.

Not only does this fresh, clean water exist for me, it comes out of the tap and shower-head on demand. Not all people in the world know this luxury. It is something I don't want to take for granted either. I am able to wake when I choose and get a drink, clean my body, clean my clothes, and many other tasks. It is such a modern convenience but such a blessing and even a small miracle.

I think about the quality of life this one simple blessing provides, and I am filled with gratitude for my life. I live a clean and happier existence because I live where there is fresh water teeming through the pipes under the streets and leading directly into my home for our use. Water makes all the difference really, and I am truly thankful for it.

disconnected

unknown source

Not sure what broke, but I am definitely feeling changed by it. If you normally read my blog, you'll notice that my writing slowed down, and I haven't written but a few times over the past three months, and I am feeling strained to write even now. The worst part of it all is that I began a book manuscript, wrote a ton and with great enthusiasm, then lost my fire. It feels pretty snuffed out actually. Honestly, I do not know why I am even writing this out as I am disconnected from my once driven sense to write and recall and capture. I do not feel like myself.

The thought that keeps coming to me is that my sense of self is changing. Maybe the events of the past year or so stamped into me some things that eventually have changed me into someone I don't understand again. Writing usually helps me to understand change, but I have been taking time to be alone and be quiet instead. My brain doesn't seem to process things the way it used to even, and it concerns me. So you know, I have been consulting with my doctor about this post-concussion existence, so don't worry about that. I just don't like this version of different that I am experiencing. I don't feel like I am processing my most recent heartbreak properly because of the way my brain works lately.

I'm working on being patient with myself and others, connecting more with my word of the year humility, and taking care of myself, so I can feel better and find a sense of normalcy again. There are times when I just cancel everything I can and stay home, so I can slow down and recognize that I need to take time to heal.

I don't even know. Maybe this is a weird slice that shouldn't even be written, but as I very much want to keep on trying, I will let it stand. I miss connecting with all of you. Hopefully, I will find some more words to share soon.

ophelia

I don't write about movies often, but when I do it's because I either adored it or detested it. And Ophelia is a winner.

Because of the 1990s Hamlet with Helena Bonham-Carter being shown in my English Literature class in high school, I had the nickname Ophelia since Helena Bonham-Carter is considered one of my doppelgängers. I even had the long and wildly straggly curly hair to match. So when this movie was coming out, I just had to see it. I truly was holding my breath on it since I hate to get my hopes up and get disappointed. Sometimes, movies do that.

One of my biggest worries was that Daisy Ridley would be Rey instead of Ophelia. But she really kept her personal mannerisms out of it for the most part. I could see how she tamed herself to be Ophelia, and I am impressed.

The story was amazing too. I won't get into it too much, but I simply adore how they filled out all of the in between the lines spaces that I never imagined needed filling. It was brilliant and fun and so clever. I look forward to reading Hamlet with my students this year (and picking it apart with this fresh take in mind).

If you love Hamlet or even hate Hamlet, I recommend this movie. It is accessible Shakespeare. It refreshes an old tale while inviting us to look between the lines of other stories as well.

Also—the styling and costuming is immaculate. Simply gorgeous.

You must watch it the next chance you get!

making connections

I'm doing that ESL Arts Camp thing again this summer. Anyone who has been reading my blog for awhile will remember some of my adventures with the Chinese students I learned to love in ten days flat. For those who are new to my writing space, it is an exciting and rewarding experience to teach in a submersive environment, just jumping in with students who are jumping into our country to learn our language through song and dance—literally.

There are always a few students who are shy and always some who love me right off the bat. Just like any school year—but it all goes down in about ten days (or less) worth of interaction. The interruption to summer break would have felt like I was being cheated of the well deserved respite from the teaching grind if I didn't love the experience as much as I do. These students are simply inspiring by being so brave to try new things that I am in awe.

If you've never had the chance to teach foreign language speakers, I highly recommend it. There's something about language vulnerability that breaks down walls and makes everyone bond even faster than in a typical classroom. The connections are special and unforgettable.

It's only the first day for me, so I have my adventure still ahead of me these next two weeks!

eat up, buttercup

In my quest to cultivate humility, I seem to be a glutton for putting myself in new and interesting situations. The higher the chance to be uncomfortable the better, I guess. The last couple of weeks provided some of those situations, and thankfully, I haven't had to eat too much humble pie. Yet.

Trying new things, pondering complicated things, and talking about difficult things have led me to see how seeking a humble path gives me time to think and make better choices. Clarity is a beautiful thing especially when you might make a total idiot out of yourself. At least you're going in head first.

My summer has been transformational so far as I've had time to let change do its work and open my heart to surprising things. So much has changed just since school got out that I wonder what life will even look like once the new school year begins at the end of August. It is a mystery to be sure!

half a year of humility

When you choose the word humility for your word of the year, it doesn't quite sink in what might happen.

In the past six months, I have had such wonderful highs. The level of joy just on my face was causing people to comment on my happiness. It was noticeable. And even that added to my happiness. I think the joyfulness of it all was because love inched up from behind and surprised me. I was so surprised and happy. But then it went wrong.

I'm not sure what happened really. I thought there was something tangible when my heart was really just an abandoned shack wishing it were a home. To be honest, I am humbled to the dust with how it nose-dived when I felt it had been blossoming.

The missing my darling friend part hurts the most though. We did so much together over the past year and then some. It's so strange to carry on without him to tell stuff to and ask if he wants to join me for this or that fun thing, to not be invited by him. I really hate it.

And that's when I feel deep humility. I search my soul for what I might have done or said to be off-putting that I'm not even considered good company as a friend. I will be myself. No doubt about that. But I can wonder still. I don't like losing friends. And maybe I haven't lost the friendship entirely, but it feels like that since the space between us got created, forced into existence.

My heart is humbled, and I am unsure where to set it but aside. I have simply been setting it aside and talking to God about what I should do with it all. The quiet loss of words I taste in my mouth as my mind races through the empty rooms is more than I can face. I keep going to heal and deal with the hurt. I haven't really written very openly until now. And even still, I am not sure how open this is. Does it seem transparent to you? I am trying to be. I have been sitting next to my broken heart watching for words to come, and these are what I could face. The humbling of my heart. The quietness of humility and loss of something that brought me such energy of hope. The pride I had in myself for being able to love again. These are the things I couldn't say, I think.

Is life all terrible? No. Not even close. I am still in a beautiful, comfortable home. I have clothes and food and my four children with me. I have a job I love and freelance work coming in. I have hobbies I enjoy like family history work and writing and leisure reading I've been able to indulge in so far this summer. I have extended family who seem to care about me. Friends reach out, so I know it's not just me pushing myself on anyone. I am appreciated regularly and told I'm pretty and kind, and you know, those things matter. They make life nice.

I just really thought maybe someone might have begun to really love me. That's all. And I am seeing what humility looks like as I reach my focus around the hurt to be thankful that I even had a spark of hope again. I am thankful for all of it. Even the sad part. Because a year ago, I had no idea I would even been able to love someone again as much as I have.

Humility has helped me see how much I have even in the face of loss.

leaving a light on

Whenever you look out on the horizon as the sun is setting, do you make a wish? I do. I think about what I want to do with my tomorrow. I make a few plans for later. Wishing on stars is so limited if you ask me. Why not wish on the sunset or the moon in the sky? It's a good thing. I think I have even wished on the rising sun. Stars are suns, so it makes better sense than my wishing on the moon I've taken to as of late. But I digress. About wishing, I like to call it that, but it is more like a little prayer for things to be better or me to do better or for something good to keep on keeping on. I seem to always turn the corner even on the most tear-filled wishes and come out filled with hope. It's rejuvenating, so maybe that's why I won't limit my wishing to stars. I seem to always have a light on in this heart of mine. I leave it on in case some lost sailor, just one, finally finds his way to me. And now I've caught myself wishing—again—it's what I do.

if only there were a switch

I reached for it. I promise I did, but it was too late.

Too late to turn around and not fall in love with him. I couldn't help myself as I think back on the connections we made and the memories that had become quite the strand of pearls. We would laugh over the same silly things and talk about deeply interesting and smart things. We discussed important things insomuch that I trusted him to see one of the dark corners of my heart. Our friendship came on ever so slowly and the romance of it even slower, so I know I was not playing into a romance addict pattern—we had something. Had being the keyword now.

So here I am writing out in vague generalities about how I wish I could have turned off my heart with a switch. But do I really wish that? Probably not. I love that I have such a near inexhaustible well of love if I have even a shred of hope in me. It tears me up sometimes, in times like now when I am medicating with Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars and unrelenting emotion, yet I am also afforded such bliss when I have moments of hopefulness that it is worth it to throw my heart under the bus in the off chance the driver will stop and see me for once.

All I want is once. To be truly seen once and finally will be where my story truly begins. Until then, I am still writing the foreward in preparation. I am not waiting to write, no, but I do know that my final and true love story is the real story I want. All else is just the lead in. I see my friends and family living their best life with someone who is dedicated and true to them, and that is what I want. I want someone to look at me and decide they want to show me I matter enough to stay.

That all sounds so sicky sweet to me, like, barf, but I mean it. I am tempted to backspace on that last paragraph, but I won't do it. I will share my inclination to feel these sweet and tender feelings that I might stand up for what I want, putting it out there that somehow, someway, it might come true someday. I need it to. My heart needs that much more than a nonexistent shutoff switch.

Until then, I will probably keep one hand reaching for the switch in rebellion and one hand clutching my heart to keep it in my chest the best I can.

admitting my dream

What is the point of writing out some of my dreams? I'm not quite sure yet actually, but I hope that by delving into my head and heart for a bit, I might come out with some healthy refocusing, so I can keep on getting to them. Because we all know I keep on working toward reaching my dreams, I don't really ever forget about them. I think I just suffer from disheartening at times. It's not the same as forgetting.

I'll admit that my first dream on the list is one I've had since I was a young girl: to find/be found by someone who will love me and stay. This one is no mystery to even you if you've been reading my musings for even the slightest amount of time. That is and always has been what I desire most in this life. I believe my relentless hope in this dream is part of what keeps me going when life is beating me down. I just know somehow that it will happen.

Lately though, the dream is feeling afar off. And it hurts to admit that I have this dream. I wish I didn't. It's a good one, a worthy one, but it is not to be mine just yet. That is pretty sad to me.

Yet, love's story keeps at me. It keeps telling me to keep looking and watching. Love has not been a stranger to me truly. It has had twists and turns and corners and closets, but one thing that has always been true is that love has been freely given a home in my heart. I have always welcomed love to come stay with me. And this steadiness will been seen some day. One day, I will see my dream come true and love will be given and received within this true heart.

I admit that I dream of reality matching with my heart's desire. And I just know somehow that it will come true. Someday.

relax

Summer is here. What does that mean? It means I don't go into school much except for the couple of TBA professional development meetings and a few other things. It also means my children are growing up more. Children grow so much over the summer—emotionally and physically. I've also been finding my footing on dating and friends and writing and editing and and and. It has all been so much. Too much. I can hardly write actually. I sat down not knowing what I would tell you. What does one slice about who feels as if everything is melting together? Smart people don't write anything, or that's what I tell myself. I don't even know who silently reads this stuff and never says a word. I get so many hits on my blog, but then very few people actually comment. I don't know what to think about anything right now. I usually feel like I'm making progress on whatever I'm working toward, but lately, I wonder if I am only deluding myself. And then I stop. I am not deluding myself. I am supposed to have joy. The wishes in my heart are well grounded and good. Not delusions. So I light my relax candle and take a few deep breaths. I pray. I ponder. And I try my best to figure out what it is to actually relax. Because duh. It's summer.

to trust

I couldn't remember the last time I felt truly content for longer than momentarily until recent months. Honestly, life had just been that difficult for at least a decade. And then, something good came into my life. A window of affection. Not to say that I haven't had any interactions with men in over ten years because that is absolutely not true, but to be clear on what I mean, I haven't had a consistent stretch of affection given simply to be affectionate and connective.

It has been such a breath of fresh air and ray of pure sunshine for me. One person has been the giver of this fresh air. I was realizing it as such and cherishing him. Another thing I've realized is that I am my happiest self when treated affectionately. And yet, the window seems to be shutting again.

I don't know what to think of it all, but I will say that I trust that my heart knows what it knows. There were too many years of me second guessing myself, and I simply can't do it anymore. This said, I will continue to believe that this window will open again. Courage and hope have been wrapping around my heart like a comforter daily, or I wouldn't be so sure. I will trust that good and happy and tenderhearted things are in store for me. I will trust.