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This Phoenix Speaks

Seven years in the making, my first published book, This Phoenix Speaks , is now a reality. The tireless and tiring work invested to ma...

Showing posts with label quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label quotes. Show all posts

vulnerable


“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” — C.S. Lewis 
Walking the streets of a small town is like my heart. Little shops here and there that are careworn but well loved. Empty spots where the tenant has vacated or been evicted, but still there is an empty place where they once tended to business. There are cracks along the sidewalks, yet there is a charm in every walk down the lane. Walls have crackled paint but are all the more endearing for their wear.

I love the love I've offered and given in my life. While I have also cried more tears than I wish to admit, I do not regret letting myself care as much as I have and do. But I have one thing that has been pressing upon my mind lately.

A wish.

My wish (and prayer) is that I don't have to have any more bad sad endings. I don't want to have another love adding a notch in my nostalgia belt. I want to love someone who actually loves me back in all reality. Does any of that even make sense? I hope so because I know I am worth all of that. I even know that I actually deserve it.

Someday, it will happen for me because I keep my heart vulnerably open despite the chipped paint and vacancy sign that is collecting dust.







comfort




"Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them out." 
— George Eliot

I read this quote (among several others) on a friend's blog, Ascending Together Daily, and it touched me deeply. It got me reflecting on the past few days and how much I want to feel better. It got me thinking about how many friends and readers have reached out to me because I've made sure to write without hiding the truth. The comfort I am experiencing has been inexpressible. No, I have not been magically cured of my emotional wounds; however, I have to acknowledge how supported and lifted I have been by every person who has lent kind words and happy thoughts.

The encouragement to keep writing has been completely surprising actually. I don't like when I write negative things. I don't like where my mind is that it can honestly feel so terribly sad. I have food, clothes, a home, a very nice car, four amazing children, a fabulous job that I adore, and the list goes on. I feel like I should be able to find joy no matter what.

All of that said, I always anticipate people rejecting my writing that is saturated in sadness. And yet—I receive a windfall of encouragement every single time. It's like I have memory loss in this area or something. I forget how deeply the ranks file for my success.


I have been so comforted. Thank you from the bottom of my ever purple loving heart.



  

the unexpected



I'm thankful for the unexpected surprises in life that have helped me. You've probably had those problems that turn out to be something so good you never could have planned it for yourself, right? You can't tell how much it makes sense until you're in the middle of it all.

I've talked about my transition from an English teacher to a Digital Journalism teacher and Social Media Director, but I haven't said enough about how this big change, hard change, unexpected change has blessed my life.

Things are pretty stressful for me as a single mom with very little support, so anything that can simplify life or make it more enjoyable is a blessing in my book. And my job duties changing did both of those things for me without having to leave the amazing private school and students that I have grown to love. I cannot express how thankful I am for the way things have transitioned. The words aren't enough. But I will say that I was surprised, I have been blessed, and I have learned that I need to learn how to let those surprises take me places without worrying so much. I am thankful for yet another lesson in planning to be surprised.

The unexpected things in my life aren't always so good, but I will say that many of them have been life changing blessings. Friends are another big unexpected aspect of life. You can't plan for meeting someone who turns out to be a lifelong friend or even your best friend. You can't ever be sure if anyone will care enough to stick around after seeing your bad side. And you surely can't plan on anyone loving you enough to stay and be with your forever. But you can plan to be glad when it happens, whenever it happens, and have gratitude.

There's this movie quote that I love that I think about all the time. Maybe you've already read something of mine using it actually, but I'll go ahead and share it again because it just feels like a good thing to do. It's a good reminder to plan for being glad about the unexpected, to treat it like a surprise and not a nightmare. I'm thankful for this quote too, for how it helps me make sense of things in such a simple way:





more like water

Standing beneath the overhang of Weeping Rock looking across the canyon


“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.”  — Margaret Atwood

One of my friends shared this quote recently, and it got me thinking about how I am like water and how I am not. Negativity seems to be surrounding me lately, so, in an effort to go around it, I want to focus on how I try to be like water.

While I resist quite a few things that come at me, I have learned to make great effort to go with the flow so to speak. There is something to be said for knowing when to let go of something that isn't working or helping you. Oftentimes, I have to cut my losses and do something differently, so my children and I can keep making progress. It doesn't seem like stopping progress on something is progress, but if it isn't working, stopping actually helps everyone.

For example, I used to do chore charts. They worked well for us. I rotated jobs between the children, and it was pretty great. Well, then our lives changed, and I work now. There is no overseer to guide and help half of the time, so I decided to throw out the chore chart, and I do verbal assignments when I am able to follow through with rewards and consequences at least somewhat. When we work at things now, we see the fruit of our labors much faster and with less frustration.

While that example is pretty basic, it shows how failure can bring about positive change. I've learned that acknowledging failure is a strength when you learn what you need to work around to get where you want to be.

There is also something to be said for meting out your time and talents carefully so as to not become overburdened. That reminds me of the dripping water wearing away a stone analogy. If I use everything I have in me too quickly, I'm more like a popped water balloon than anything else—unable to do anything for myself or others once that initial burst is over.

I want to be more like the water that drips off the rock ceiling of Weeping Rock in Zion National Park. It slowly drip, drip, drips every day, even when there hasn't been rain in a long while. It keeps the surrounding area moist for ferns and other plants to grow and provides a place for people and animals to find cool refreshment from the heat in summer. For me to give enough of myself to last through all that is required of me, I need to give in consistent drip, drip, drips that conserve my mental and emotional energies while still making a difference and helping myself.

I find it interesting that I identify with Weeping Rock as I think about patient water. I don't recall the scientific facts about how long it takes for the water to make it from the top and find it's way out as drips of condensation, but I do know it takes some time. Each droplet carries with it minerals that also feed the floor upon which it eventually falls, thus nourishing while watering. It is a process to weep the way that it does.

Likewise, tears can be nourishing. They can be healing. Tears can teach if we watch for how patience guides us. It is not good to cry all the time, but allowing ourselves to feel our way through life helps us be more like water. We can tell where we need to flow through or around to make our way. We choose our path instead of feeling tossed to and fro by the storms we call obstacles. And I will go where I want to go. I will succeed. I will reach my dreams. I will be more like water.






more change



Right when I begin to truly love what I do and feel like I am capable, something changes. I shouldn't be surprised; really, I should have expected it with all my talk about expecting to be surprised.

So anyway. I'll get to the point. I have been teaching for a year and a half at a private school, and was recently offered a social media director position with the school, which means I won't be teaching English for the foreseeable future. And the movie quote depicted above was the first thing that came to mind when I was making the decision to take the opportunity.

And yet the situation sort of hit me like a bomb at first, so if you are all astonished too, I wouldn't blame you.

Being a social media director is pretty much one of my dream jobs, so if we look at things in the accurate way, that means I will have had two of my dream jobs all within less than two years of graduation. That feels like record time if you ask me.

All of that said, the thing that keeps pinching at me is the rate of active change that has been affecting my life. I can hardly catch my breath from the pace. Some has been negative, but most of what comes my way has been very positive change.

Regardless of the positive or negative nature of the changes, it is still tough to be adjusting all the time. I am in a constant state of flux with no way to plan for the future. My children won't stop growing up too. Just dealing with that aspect of life is a garbage load of change every time I turn around. And there's this thing where I am single. That sort of clinches the deal on not knowing whatsoever what life will bring me. I'm a planner type. Or at least I used to be! That part of myself had to mostly die awhile back.

Well, I guess I could work on planning to be surprised like I went on about with my students a couple of weeks ago after I got this news. This fantastic, amazing, terrifyingly wonderful news.

I'd like to end with telling you how thankful I am to be valued enough to be offered such an excellent opportunity. Even if it means more change.




to dream with me




People often say 
The most important things in life aren't things
People often say
Take care of the things you love

I'm not a thing, but take care of me
If I'm so important
The world won't stop without me
But it will be better than anything 

We've ever known
In the center of our souls
That this is where it's at
Friends who love each other

We are a we
Destined for great things that are not things
If you let yourself lock it down
Finally, for real, for always








quality



So there's this thing about me. Words stick. I hear or read something that touches me, and it changes me and stays. I never thought much about it (it's just been my normal forever) until the other day when I was watching a movie with my friend. The strange part is that I had seen the movie two times before and hadn't noticed these words. Maybe it was the company I was keeping that pushed the phrase to the surface: "The quality of her love…" said in the midst of a wedding anniversary speech.

These words stung my heart. They grabbed onto me and haven't let go.

Do I have love that would be considered high quality within me to offer someone? Is there anything about my love that would make it stand apart? Yes, and yes. If there is something I do well, it is love.

Now to give it to someone who wants it. That's where patience comes in. It's interesting to reflect on the past five years to see how much has changed, so as I write these words, I reassure myself that in five years, I will hardly recognize myself and my world once more. Because of the quality of my love, walls will dissolve and problems will have solutions. I know things will work out; I just can't see how!

And about the movie. That movie is The Age of Adaline, and I adore it. It's perfectly enchanting. Watch it, then let me know what is your favorite part.





stitched kisses




Rewriting dreams isn't as easy as it would seem.
Just some paper, pen, and words and life becomes a blur.
Crushed hearts remain, and somehow get stitched over with pain,
Weaving a wish here and wish there amidst falling tears.
Pressed for paper enough to continue scribbling about love.
Ink made of hampered happiness to be used with feverish finesse.
Words come and go with the tide, but hunger for love never subsides.
Despite shards of glass dug into my feet, I see a slim chance,
Taking everything into my hands, responsible for these plans.
When you need a kiss to build a dream on, get your fill.
But what happens if that kiss never comes? When the mark is missed?
You search for more ink and paper and question and think.
You rip out the sutures and begin rewriting the future.
Every wound made you who you are and somehow will renew.




salted caramel memories

“Time passed, and pain turned to memory" (Cinderella 2015). 


The poignant elegance of this single sentence astounds. It captures beauty in the sad. It tells a thousand tales of past, present, and future. It tells my tale. 

With humbled heart, I want to give thanks for the passing of time. I've thought about how it is such a gift that it flies by the way that it does. Lamentable it is when we are having fun and people must leave temporarily or permanently or toward the next life. But oh how sweet a blessing—a tender mercy—when life is troubled. 

My slice of life today could be a cake of salted caramel, salty with sugar sweet, mixed in my mouth becoming a savory delight with tears and smiles, happiness and hope, broken wishes and an aching heart full of love. 

So full of love. I'm thankful for all the love and goodness that I do have. And I will be ever grateful that time flies by until the day that I don't because I wish I had more. 




tears required

Henrietta, Texas
 No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.
— Robert Frost.

This Robert Frost quote hits home for me.

People always connect with the words I've written when I've had my heart on my sleeve. Never do I get more praise or gratitude for what I write than on pieces where I've cried and suffered as I wound myself to get the feelings expressed.

I wish I were more skilled in writing than having to bleed my emotions through words for the words to jump off the page, but I guess I should be glad in how lucky I am to know how to get those emotions onto a page in the first place.

That is something to celebrate, and I am thankful to be able to feel, write, and love some more.



courageous risks



Courage has been on my mind like crazy. It's like I can't get that word out of my head no matter what I do.

Well, maybe I can't get it out of my head because I haven't been acting with much courage. I've instituted more of a hibernation situation instead. You've probably heard the shift in tone in my writing even.

It's amazing how daily life can get shaken up by a handful of words.

But today will be different. I know it can and will be different because I have come up with an action plan. Yesterday was actually the beginning of different, but my action plan had a soft start. I wanted to try stepping a few steps out of my cave I've put myself into, and it worked. Waking up feeling the same disheartened emptiness this morning, I realize that I will probably get out just a few steps more, but those few steps are courageous steps and not to be discounted.

I've been afraid to take any risks. It has felt safe to close myself off to the world; however, it has not felt good, right, or healthy. The past year held a great deal of growth and achievement, so I know better. I know that getting myself out there is the way to be in touch with my whole self and feed the fire that burns within me. I need to be going places, seeing sights, and achieving goals to maintain healthy growth and feel good about my life. This hibernation stuff doesn't suit me at all.

Now to figure out how to break this pattern—a few steps at a time, a little more each day—because I am brave.





nice is different than good

The movie "Into the Woods" is a mixed bag of tricks if you ask me. The stellar cast drew me in. I had no clue there was a Broadway musical and all the double entendre and such that was coming my way.  So, I took all of my children to see this movie that is not a children's movie.

But enough of that. I don't want to go on a rant—today. 

I want to talk about the morsel of pure understanding that I uncovered. It might just be me, but when someone is being nice: showing good manners, talking sweetly, etc., I have always assumed that meant good. Well, after watching "Into the Woods" and hearing that dryly put line from Red Riding Hood "Nice is different than good," I see niceties in a different light. 

While it is still good to be nice, nice words and nice looking outer shells do not necessarily mean that person is a good person at heart. Intentions are something to take into consideration. Some people are only nice in order to get what they want—to manipulate a situation and people. And that is not good. I like to call that charming. I hate to put a negative connotation on such a lovely word, but it has been done before, and it's the best word for this context. 

Sometimes pretty faces with their pretty words as they push and persuade or double dip relationships are only playacting at good. They want to have it all. How can you be good when all you want is your own interest or have loyalty and love for both worlds when you have to lie to one or both to keep up the appearance of doing good? It seems that nothing will be the result. No real connections, no true loyalties, no confidence to stand on. No substantial happiness.

My big question and what I want to know a real answer to is: Can anyone have everything if they are being truly good to no one? While goodness doesn't guarantee happiness and success, it does have a positive long-term effect on lives. I have several trains of thought going in all directions, but I will focus on one to wrap up.

I'm thinking that it is impossible to have much of anything worthwhile, let alone everything, because nice is different than good. And nice laced with lies isn't actually nice at all.




a dream deferred


When I think about this one question,  I wonder what happened to a few of my dreams. I also wonder what will happen to some of the dreams that I've had to put off even longer still.

Life is a series of dreams deferred. What happens if we set aside the dream and let ourselves become discouraged and never reach toward the goal? How often does that happen? Never trying is the real problem. There's nothing wrong with waiting awhile to have an opportunity to turn a dream into reality. 

Sometimes, waiting is the best thing. We just can't or don't want to see it in the moment. I'm still working on a few dreams that have seemed impossible to achieve. And I won't give up, because who wants dried up raisins? No one, that's who.

My dream deferred will be even more sweet once it comes to fruition. I just know it.



SOLSC 2014: Found Time


Time is a funny thing. We are using it even if we are doing nothing with it. Time slips through our fingers by the millisecond.

Understanding this truth, I try to make the best use of my time as often as possible. I use the qualifier "as often as possible" because sometimes life can be so overwhelming that I simply don't realize that time is passing me by at the rate that it does. I'm sure we can all identify with that feeling for one reason or another. But one of my hopes is that I can learn to embrace the time I have with more purpose and zest, regardless of my circumstances.

Be The Change


My parents raised me to be an avid movie goer, but I don't believe they realized the impact their guidance in this area would have on my life.

I learned to not only love movies but to internalize the whole experience. Some of the best of times in my recollection involve standing in line on opening day, or sitting with my mom and dad in a theater or in front of the television experiencing something new or different or beloved through a movie.

The most epic opening day that I can claim is when I stood in line with my family for the movie Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. I remember seeing the line of people wrapping around the Huntridge theater and the large painted mural of Darth Vader larger than life with Dorothy Gale and other fascinating characters from famous movies along an entire outside wall that we were standing near. I won't even attempt to describe the electricity in the room when everyone found out for the first time that Vader was actually Luke's father. You had to be there.

Opening days are exciting, but there is something to be said about the at-home movie experience as well.

I remember sitting around the television, with all of my family, watching Gandhi. My mom was crocheting something and my dad was in his recliner, and my brothers and I were piled around on the floor and bed (our television was in my parents' bedroom because my dad was in his chair or bed much of the time). My father kept commenting on what a good man Gandhi is and praising his influence, and I remember seeing him weep at some of the parts as if we were there in that moment in India. My father had a very good friend who is Indian, so maybe that is why he felt so sensitive. Regardless of why, the experience taught me to allow myself to feel all that there is to feel even though a movie is just an interpretation of events, oftentimes lifetimes away from when you watch it, or even a complete fabrication. Because of my father, I love Gandhi—what he did for his people and what he represents as a human being. He lived for his fellow man, and I have wanted to be like him since I saw that movie.

I don't necessarily want to starve myself to death for the cause of peace, but I can starve myself of the wickedness of the world: the hate, the anger, the violence. I am not perfect at this, but I think of Gandhi and his words when I am striving to do more, striving to better my life and the lives of those around me.

In all of my ventures, I strive to "be the change that [I] wish to see in the world." And I thank the people who created the movie Gandhi and my parents for sharing it with me that I might be influenced so greatly by someone who lived half a world away and died long before I was alive.





SOLSC 2014: Shakespeare and Roses

Writing is my passion and getting published is a fuel for that fire. Right? But whenever I think about the byline on things I write, I step back and almost don't want publishers to look at me until I figure out what I want to do about it all. I'm holding my breath until I can recognize myself again.

Who am I anyway? All of this identity crisis garbage points me toward Shakespeare when he spoke wisdom through the voice of fair Juliet:
What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Not that I'm a rose, but I need to figure out how to get past this role reductionist mentality I have been living with and take ownership of this existence. I am of worth with so much to offer the world—regardless of what name I go by. It probably just takes time to iron out stuff like an identity crisis, but I have some things going out to press soon, so I really need to figure it out sooner than later!

Anne of Green Gables and me

"But if you call me Anne,
please call me Anne with an 'e'." 
Anne of Green Gables
I saw the Anne of Green Gables movies first and fell in love instantly; I fell in love with Anne's silly romanticism and finicky ways; I fell in love with everything about Gilbert Blythe; but most of all, I fell in love with the idea that somehow everything turns out as it should in the end. The books by L.M. Montgomery didn't find their way into my hands until around ten years ago, but I promise that I relished the entire series' contents in record time to make up for the severe mistake of not reading them sooner. And they are divine. I never had been brought so much into a series that I wished so hard a character were real so I could meet them.

Today, I watched the Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea movies with my children. Halfway through the day, it just seemed like an Anne sort of day, so we stopped everything after borrowing the movies from a neighbor and just enjoyed the show until they were done.

I am super emotional now. It was probably to be expected, but I didn't expect it. The music, humor, and portrayal of so much beauty impressed upon my heart the intended gladness, but I was also left with a melancholy heart. It is difficult to watch happy endings some days. I knew this happy ending would come, yet it had been so long that I forgot some of the beautifully challenging situations that get sorted out by the end of it all. Remembrance of all the loves I've ever known ending pushed me to ponder on the big question: Will I ever find someone who will love me forever and not stop?
"I'm just tired of everything…even of the echoes. There is nothing in my life but echoes…echoes of lost hopes and dreams and joys. They're beautiful and mocking." Anne of Avonlea

Please don't misunderstand. I know it's just stories, but I'd forgotten about the realism which abides in Anne's tale. Anne and Gilbert are not "love at first sight" love birds--even quite the opposite for a long while. They become bosom friends eventually, but quarrel to the brink of severing ties on many occasions. Anne entertains a false sense of romanticism, while Gilbert shows what love really looks like, and then she finally connects it all together and realizes love's face in him. Silliness, unrealistic situations, and movie sentimentality are present, yes, but the magic within the story lies in our ability to connect with the realistic parts, or, better yet, the parts which are most like the best versions of our reality. And I keenly felt how much of the reality of it is missing for me. I have an even more complicated past that I wish wasn't there to face when occasion insists.


"I have a dream...I persist in dreaming it, although it has often seemed to me that it could never come true. I dream of a home with a hearth-fire in it...the footsteps of friends -- and YOU!" Anne of the Island
This is all really a fancy looking tantrum or pity party. I'm writing because I can't see how, who, or when I will ever find a bosom friend who will love and accept me for my regular, everyday, imperfect self. I no longer identify with Anne. And that is sad to me. I grew up identifying with her outlook on life, but can no longer imagine myself in her shoes, in any aspect.

"That's the worst…or the best…of real life, Anne. It won't let you be miserable. It keeps on trying to make you comfortable…and succeeding…even when you're determined to be unhappy and romantic." Anne of Avonlea

Friends For Infinity and Beyond

My best friend gave this magnet quote to me a few years ago.

When I think about friendship, I think of talking on the phone, sharing a confidence, shopping, watching movies, and helping each other. (There are more things we could add to the list, but these rolled off the tip of my fingers.) Friendship, even at its simplest, is balm to the soul. The feeling that someone other than your mother actually wants to interact with you has a magical effect changing each person at least a little bit for the better.

It's no mystery that I am grateful for my friends. I blog, talk, tweet, and facebook about it too often for people to not know the depth of my gratitude for my entourage of support and kindness. Well, if you didn't know already, I hope you have a feel for it now. If you like, look up friendship in the table of contents to see what else I've got on the topic. Making new friends and spending time with any sort of friend (even friends of my friends) makes me really happy.

Looking into the future, I see all of us looking back recognizing how far we've come and relishing these times of new found friendships that last. I see ties that bind lasting forever.