All Things Purple: sol14

Showing posts with label sol14. Show all posts

stand amazed

As I reflect on this Christmas season and those of years past, joy, love, and gratitude are the hallmarks.

The years have dragged me along while also flying past, and my heart is filled with gratitude for it all. To learn and grow so deeply has been a painful experience nevertheless I give thanks to Heavenly Father for keeping watch over me and my family through every trial. We have been watched over with a most tender hand.

Love permeates my thoughts as they turn to the people who surround me now and at every point that I stood in need of love and they were there. Whether intentional or not, many people have been the Lord's hands in loving and protecting us. I have been loved even when I could not see how anyone would or could ever care about me. Friends have made time for me when I needed to not be left alone; they have sacrificed family time and happier friend time to help me through my dark days. Every time I stop to ponder what has happened in my life over the past several years, amazement washes over my heart, and I can hardly keep from weeping with joy and gratitude for the miracle that has been my life. It gives me hope for the future, that it will continue being a miraculous journey of love and joy.

With Christmas upon us, I tie all of it together to honor the Christ Child who was born, shared the gospel with the world, atoned for all that we have done—our mistakes, sins, sufferings of body, heart, and soul—only to be crucified. But he overcame death. And that is how we have Christmas to celebrate. The love and joy that we sometimes take for granted comes to us by the grace of God and through the light of Christ within each of us.

While it is not a traditional Christmas song, the hymn "I Stand All Amazed" has always been one that resonates with me. I especially think of the second verse at this time:

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine

To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,

That he should extend his great love unto such as I,

Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

My hope and prayer is that the light of Christ will brighten your Christmas and that you will feel God's love for you no matter where you are, no matter what is happening in your life, whether or not you fully recognize His divinity.

Let's stand amazed and neither forget nor take for granted the gift of Christ's birth. He lived, atoned, and died for us all that we might live again and be with God and our families for eternity.

Happy Christmas to all!

Christmas Break

Where does a week go? I'm telling you, it seems like only a few days should have gone by, but no. It has been an entire week since I had my exit interview and began looking for a contract.

How does that time slipping by thing happen? It's called life. And if you don't make the most of it, it passes you by without ceremony.

I'm filling my Christmas break with celebrating Christmas (of course), editing, lesson planning, and clearing my house of nonessentials. That list set forth, it will probably feel like a three-day weekend or so.

What I wonder about is how everyone else will be spending their Christmas break. If you care to answer, leave a comment, so we can all get some ideas for how to pass the fleeting moments the best we can.

today

Phone calls, emails, texts, eating, children, buses, tweets, posts, driving, exercising, thinking, editing, writing, dictionaries, friends, hugs, driving, talking, writing, reading, wishing, hoping, praying, and hopefully sleeping soon.

the short list

The end is near, and I know I did well. Student teaching looked insurmountable just a few short months ago when considering all the other problems I am facing right now. However, I did make it. It wasn't all on my own though. I did all the work, of course, but I have had phenomenal support from family, neighbors, friends, and my teaching mentor and supervisor.

I could not have faced some of the days that I had without all the texts almost every single day no matter what's going down, last minute dinner deliveries, cleaning crews (need I say more), front porch conversations, late night middle of the sidewalk in the rain while I cry hugs, sanity saving Sonic runs, Chik-fil-A light lemonade, and so much more. I can't even keep track. Maybe when everything simmers down and I can take a moment longer to think, I will write it all down.

Until then, just know that even you reading this and following my journey has given me a bit of wind for these wings of mine. And I thank you all.

thankful heart

Many good and wonderful things have been coming about over the past week or so, and now I hardly know what to do with myself. The one immediate thing I can think to do is to express gratitude.

I have been encouraged at every turn with positivity and love. When I have doubted myself, a hand has been outstretched to help me see the happier reality. Life has been a downtrodden mess while being the most heavenly experience as well. For every struggle, someone has been there for me right when I needed support, at times in the very moment before tasting despair. That everlasting hopefulness of mine continues to rule my world, and for once I am proud of it.

Today is no different than any other time. Rejoicing in the goodness of life in one moment, only to be rudely interrupted and dragged back into a nightmare in the next. Yet, because of all the rejoicing and gladness, I was finally strong enough to kick against the darkness and reject it. I am still basking in the warmth of happiness despite the attempted hijacking.

This day and always I am thankful for every single person who has helped to strengthen this heart of mine. Your encouragement, your thoughtfulness, and your love in all degrees and portions have made a difference.

purple, lavender, autumn, fall, frost, photography

verbosity—a note to self

I've always been fond of words and writing and speaking until I used them so much that I overused them.

Sometimes we need to know when to cut our words short, and every once in awhile silence is the order of the day. Just knowing when to calm down and let quiet wash over your mind can be what makes everything better. You don't always need to get every single word out onto the page because sometimes no one can handle or should even need to try to handle all the whirring about that goes on up inside that active mind of yours. So figure out how to calm yourself by letting silence do the talking. Let quiet get a word in edgewise.

too much

This path keeps on with the twists and turns. Maybe I need to break my habit of being a planner type of person. Maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm more like a leaf being blown about by the breeze right now, and be glad in it. Leaves are lovely things, even enchanting in autumn. I just hope I don't have to make it through another winter like this. I just can't.

single rider

Riding roller coasters is something I relish, but it's not for the sake of riding them; it's because of how much fun I am having with the company I am with. The terrifying sections aren't as bad, and the parts when you get a good laugh seem even sweeter. Because I have experienced them with people I love, I never want to forget even the swings that for some reason strike me as a horrible torture. I will add that I certainly would never ride those crazy throwing you out into the wild blue yonder swings again unless I'm with someone I care about.

And the roller coaster is real. Up and down. Twists and turns. Making the best out of a scary stretch by screaming and holding on for dear life. We smile when we can; we laugh when we get that sinking feeling as we drop because we know its going to be alright; we hold our breath and at times grit our teeth when the rails up ahead look terrifying enough to take our breath away. Sometimes, hopefully only a very few times, we cry. Sometimes even the good things turn out to be difficult and nothing seems to be going right.

And then I stop to ponder why I'm not enjoying the ride as much as I ought . . .

Have you ever ridden a roller coaster alone?

I have, and it just isn't the same being a single rider with no one to laugh with or hold onto their hand for reassurance as you scream all the way down to the bottom together. Reflecting on past experiences, I can see that I've never liked it, and I don't like it now.

I plan on staying on this ride for its duration, but I sure look forward to having someone next to me.

Related Link:
Roller Coasters

feeling loved

This past week was so good; however, the weekend ushered me into a week that I should not have to be living, but I am. I thought when a divorce is over, it is over. But I don't have that luxury of finality. I must lurch out of teaching gear and begin thinking about issues that I put away many months ago.

My mind moved on because it had to in order to survive school and raising children without any support, and it has been long past time for letting go. My heart has successfully moved on because there has been sufficient time to reflect and begin healing and living again.

Being dragged back into the fight feels terrible. Without all of the support that encircles me, I could not make it. Each day is counted as a blessing when I have friends and family who love me and make sure I am making it through these unfortunate circumstances.

I just need to remember to keep positivity and my faith that all will be well in the forefront.

thinking too much

Believe it or not, I didn't realize that I'd forgotten to write a slice of life until 5 days ago. I've been writing slices for about three years now, and I forgot two weeks in a row!

That tidbit just tells you how challenging this period of time has been for me. Many hobbies and habits that typically cause happiness have had to go into storage for now. I wonder if I'll pick some of the stuff back up once the smoke clears. However, I do know that writing will never go away by choice.

Thinking about change, my life is changing so rapidly that I wouldn't know one way or the other how things are going to be in a year from now—not even in six months. When I can capture a snippet of quiet, I wonder at how far I've come and how much further I have to go and what my journey will end up looking like. I wonder in the moment sometimes whether I am making the best use of my opportunities. I contemplate why no one wants to commit to me. I wonder why I reject (albeit kindly) so many men. I set my sights on the future and make plans, but I'd really like to know if I'll ever have someone by my side who cares for the real me and wants to share our lives permanently. It's such a mystery.

I can't think of any of that for another minute. It's too much.

I intend to get back on the slice of life wagon. The encouragement that I receive during this current adventure is reason enough to remember. I need encouragement like a fish needs water.

I need a hug, et cetera.

Not to sound trite, but I've got to find a way to laugh through these days of crushing pressure that seems to always be waiting for me.

The time is slipping through my fingers like a handful of sand on the beach. That's a good thing, but at the same time, I hardly have time to think and let anything settle in. To remedy this problem, I would really love to get going on hot yoga again. The relaxation and exercise benefits are amazing, so maybe I can squeeze it in for a few weeks. We'll have to see if I can just get the time to sign up!

Too much stuff to think about! School, children, solitary confinement, school, et cetera!

Dating pursuits have begun to complicate life. It's fun, and I want to get out and meet people, but it also hurts sometimes, and I don't want to hurt any more. I don't know what to think about how I might hurt someone else's heart. The dancing and meeting new people, trying new things—all of it has been so good. However, I don't want or need a boyfriend now.

And my friendships are getting all jumbled again. Did I mention that I need a hug?

faith and prayers

From last slice to this one, I am seriously gaining confidence in my teaching abilities. There have been some mess ups and uber tough days, but I am no longer feeling like an impostor aka a major poser of a teacher.

My brain seems to only process what it can handle. I know this because as soon as I began to feel capable as a teacher, the other issues in my life began to make their way through the crowd. Well, actually, the timelines are just aligned perfectly in a sick sort of way and they are all approaching rapidly. The calendar has always been what it is. The mental strain of it all cannot be described properly. And I don't know how I will take care of everything all by myself and everything turn out as it should.

And that, my friends, is where my faith and prayers come in. I don't believe in sitting on my hands because I prayed, but I will tell you that when the deck is stacked the way it is right now—the only way I can succeed will be because of a faith-promoting miracle occurring. Hard work and determination can take you far, but it cannot accomplish the unaccomplishable.

And by the way, anyone who wants to lend me some prayers between now and December, especially through October, I will count you an angel. I need all the faith, prayers, and positivity that a person can get.

teacherly flash nonfiction

The third time's the charm, or so they say. The third week of school is upon me, but I had never felt like quitting more than I did this morning. Reason, a teacher, and a friend worked against the evil plot, and I went where I ought. The day began rough and ragged, but then, hope sprang forth, and I could see that maybe I'm not so much of a failure as I once had thought. There were no flowers strewn along the stage at the end of this trying day, but I saw a few smiles across students' faces, and maybe those were what I needed to stay the course. Each day, one at a time, I will breathe and pray and breathe some more, until I make it to the safe shore.

a short and chunky ball of anxiety

A week of school has passed by, and I am chock full of anxiety and excitement. The students are wonderful; my cooperating teacher is amazing; my supervising teacher is encouraging; and all the teachers in the English department are welcoming and kind. I couldn't ask for a better foundation on which to begin, and yet, I still have a high level of anxiousness that I can't shake. Today, my cooperating teacher told me that it will go away once I completely take over all of the classes. And when she said that I only felt more stress. However, she has been through it before and appears to be quite trustworthy, so I am going to take her word for it and try to go to sleep tonight without taking anything to knock me out.

student teaching begins . . .

I get nervous and stressed out to the point of feeling physically ill.

I vent this stress on a few select individuals.

These individuals take turns assuring me that I will survive and succeed.

They encourage me.

I believe them (partly).

I go to school and survive—and even do better than just survive but love my time there.

Repeat.

(So far).

happy memories

Summer has come and gone, and I have so much to show for it. I wanted this summer to be one where I go see something new, do something different, and strengthen relationships. And I accomplished everything that I wanted plus more. Not that I got every single wish, but I truly tasted and savored what life had to offer me over the past few months, and it feels amazing. There have been problems, and there have been some bad days and weeks, but overall, I had the loveliest summer I've had in a very long time.

With student teaching beginning, life is going to change once again. I know better than to say it will all get back to normal once it's over, because life has been in continual flux for years now, and this will only add to the likelihood of more change. There will be good days and bad ones. And I will draw upon the happy summer memories to make me smile on the rough days as I make my way through to the next phase.

it's all about choices

There is something perfectly wonderful about spending time with friends. Talking, laughing, crying, doing nothing, going to movies, exercising, eating, studying, anything. It's all so good.

Today was one of those wonderful days because I got to meet another social media friend. We went to the movies and she let me talk her ears off before and after, and to top it all off, we were both wearing purple. It was truly fulfilling to connect with her and feel like I have one more person rooting for me and wanting to spend time with me.

I never thought I would feel sensitive to whether or not people choose to spend time with me, but I do. Solitude is healing when I can slow down and relish it, but lately, after awhile, it only breeds anxiety that no one would want to be around me. I didn't realize how sensitive I had become until my divorce finalized six months ago. Suddenly, I felt every moment that people would set aside just for me and whether I get invited to things. My gratitude goes deep for the individuals who choose to use this precious thing called time with me.

On the flip side, I catch myself worrying at times that I'm not valued enough to be with. It is not a good place to be in, so I cast out the fear and doubt and move along. However, those negative thoughts flitting across the happy space I'm cultivating do more damage than I care to admit. Tears have been rumored to appear unannounced.

Days like today reaffirm to me that I have numerous women around me who care about my success, maintain happy marriages, and hope for me to find my forever someone. It was a heartening experience, and I am thankful I had the opportunity to spend my time so wisely.

sweet escape

At the end of a crazy day, I read with my children, said prayers, and put them to bed. Then, I hot-tailed it to the grocery store with my neighbor for a wild night out on the town. We laughed and talked while we picked up a few things, like grapes and bread and stuff. It was a good time unwinding in a nerdy sort of way. But something happened as we were leaving that made me smile a little extra.

We were stilling laughing and talking as we left the store, and as we were loading the trunk, a guy who works at the store was walking past us and he asked if we needed some help. We said no but held a bit of friendly conversation before getting into the car. My friend got in last, and told me that I'd never guess what just happened. And I was like, huh? She then said that the guy we had just chatted with told her, "Don't tell your friend, but she is really cute." So, needless to say, she told me within a nanosecond of getting into the vehicle. And it made me smile. How sweet.

But it also made me think about some of the idioms that we say. They don't always make sense—at all. Or maybe this one isn't supposed to. Is it a cue to do exactly opposite of what they say? For any guys out there, know that if you use that opener "Don't tell your friend, but . . . " the friend will definitely tell. Within a nanosecond—or less—of being out of your earshot.

taffy happy

Having sweet thoughts brought on by sweet thoughts.

It is a good place to be on days when you don't know where you're headed because the watchword is patience and you have to trust that everything will be better than okay in the end—even before the end. Hopefully.

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