vulnerable

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” — C.S. Lewis 

Walking the streets of a small town is like my heart. Little shops here and there that are careworn but well loved. Empty spots where the tenant has vacated or been evicted, but still there is an empty place where they once tended to business. There are cracks along the sidewalks, yet there is a charm in every walk down the lane. Walls have crackled paint but are all the more endearing for their wear.

I love the love I've offered and given in my life. While I have also cried more tears than I wish to admit, I do not regret letting myself care as much as I have and do. But I have one thing that has been pressing upon my mind lately.

A wish.

My wish (and prayer) is that I don't have to have any more bad sad endings. I don't want to have another love adding a notch in my nostalgia belt. I want to love someone who actually loves me back in all reality. Does any of that even make sense? I hope so because I know I am worth all of that. I even know that I actually deserve it.

Someday, it will happen for me because I keep my heart vulnerably open despite the chipped paint and vacancy sign that is collecting dust.

my truth

It's been awhile now since I was prompted to write a short piece on what is my truth, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself write something quick because I felt a universe of truth burst my heart when I saw that tag on Instagram asking me to share something. Maybe I took it too seriously, but that's probably my job, to take things too seriously, especially things like truth. I've spent every day pondering my life's truth since seeing that prompt.

Maybe my truth will end up being short since I'm not quite sure what I will write just yet. I have so much to say but not all the words to say it. And not all of it is for everyone to know. All I know is that I want to be able to find it again if I forget. I want to be able to see my future truth and compare it to the truth I know right now. And this is the best place I know to write it in a way that it will last and accomplish what I wish.

My truth. My truth is that life is as full of pain as it is joy, but also it is full of more joy than we can imagine. Pain teaches us what joy is, so we can know it when we find it. The trick is to hold onto the joy we have right in front of us instead of the pain. To choose joy.

And you know something? Sometimes it's tricky to hold onto joy.

When you love someone so much you'd do anything for them,
but they don't want what you have to offer.

When you love someone in a forever kind of way,
but they don't want to be your forever.

When your heart beats for someone,
but they are too busy looking at everyone but you.

When you are enough to be who you are,
but not enough to be worthily loved in return.

When you see how enough they are for you,
but they won't see it for themselves
because they don't want to.

Sometimes it's tricky to hold onto joy.
Sometimes joy is right in front of you
In someone else's smile
In hidden happiness
Being stolen from your grasp
By lack of love,
And all you can do is breathe.
Keep breathing
And hoping
And praying
That someday
Joy won't be so tricky to hold onto.
Someday there will be too much joy to lose.
And I will be looking at truth's reflection
While seeing through sunlit glass.

Until then, I will say that I hope someday comes soon because my heart has been broken for nearly my entire life, and I wish for the love I give to come back to me somehow. I believe in miracles. I believe that I was created to have joy. And I will have it. I will reach for joy in every minute of every day, working to reject the pain that is made new at every turn. I will choose joy for as long as this broken heart can stand turning its back on so much pain.

And the interesting part of all this truth I write is that I know I am not alone in my grief-stricken existence. I am not so unique. I am actually highly replaceable. I see that now. I hope that by writing my truth I might inspire myself and anyone reading this to take heart and keep holding onto joy.

I want to make room for more joy. I hope you will too.

find the light

Days piled on top of days
We go and go and go
With so much to do
So much to know and see and overcome
So much running us over
So much running us down into the ground
Pushing ourselves to try and be alive
With some days barely making it at all

However—
If we stop to look around
Just long enough to take it all in
We can see near and far
Piles on top of piles of love
From friends
Real friends
Those who see our hearts
Those who understand
How alone we feel
Surrounded yet alone

With darkness all around
We stand saturated in light
And warmth and courage divine
Given like a gift of solid gold
A wealth of strength to keep going
From getting run over
From getting pushed out and broken
There is love threaded
Into the fabric of our souls
To be wrapped around the lonely and sad
The hearts that have grown cold
Giving them hope to borrow
To keep warm against the ravages of winter

defying negativity

What to write about. What to write.

I could go on about how I have been feeling down. I could tell you how much I wish for someone I love to choose me back. I could cry another river like the one I did a few weeks ago that hasn't seemed to dry up even still. 

But I don't want to go into any of that. I just don't. It won't solve anything. Time and choices will tell how I make it through all of this. 

So this leaves me with needing something to write about. How about I write about how I am the luckiest person to have a soft bed to lie on when I am feeling upset. I have like four pillows, the best quilts ever, and my bedroom is over 400 square feet on its own floor, so I can usually languish in peace. I'll write about how I might not have someone here to stay yet, but I know he will once he's prepared for life with me—and I'm fully prepared for him. I hold an ocean of hope in this heart that I won't be left without someone to share love. My crying stints might not communicate that, but it's true. And that brings me to the blessing of being able to feel. I think I'll write about how I am thankful that I can love so much that I'd be able to cry a river and it never dry up. I'll be grateful for this tender heart of mine that wants more and is always watching and waiting and hoping that love will find its way to me. Wanting for a home that is within arm's reach justifies a few tears and then some. 

Making my way through this life hasn't been easy, but there are many people out there with similar or even more distressing issues. I must remember to write about how I will overcome my circumstances. I will continue to write about the courageous way I take this path. I will defy the consensus that failure is an option. I will not believe that no one will ever do what it takes to stay. 

hope's wake

I hope for so many things. It's almost like a disease—how I hope continually.

There are truly bad days, for sure, but once my heart sees even a glint of daylight, it just keeps on scanning for what to hope for next.

Like this slice of life. I figured, if I begin writing, I hope I can come up with something of value for my readers to read. Not sure if that's happening though.

Maybe because I am being honest about my hope problem people will realize how much I need to be told that hope needs to be squashed, to stop seeing it in every good thing that happens to other people, to forget about what I want and just crawl under a rock. Maybe I'll stop holding onto hope and release it like a Kraken on the world to go forth and overtake my love and I'll be free because then hope will be relentlessly brightening that someone's day and I'll see that hope shine back on me like an eternal reflection of joy and gladness that can break down the worst of days and that hope will grant the courage to leap, the courage for change to unchain us from our corners, the courage to embrace the happiness that is here if we will hold on.

But that would all require hope. For now, today, I have an endless supply, so maybe I'll just get myself together and let hope do its work on me and everyone in my wake.

you can

Leading an invigorating life needs only time
The kind of time that is had by investing
In each day, find a way to invest the kind of time
It takes to be invigorated and invigorating
Seek out opportunity to do something differently
To make a difference—to change
Because you can

The impact of your smile
The way in which you change the world
One day at a time
The power that is yours
In the power of choice
Invigorate your life, and you'll invigorate others'
Because you can

Creating space for more
Invading the darkness
Leaving it no place in your heart
Nowhere to hide
Making lovingkindness the watchword
For everything you do
Because you can

The choice, the attitude, the way you use
Your time proves what kind of person
You will become
Be invigorated
Be invigorating
Make life amazing
Because you can

Readers' Choice Top Ten 2015

Each year, it seems like there is always some obstacle I can't see how to overcome, yet I always do. This year was no different. Many challenges came my way—some aren't even resolved yet—and I still can appreciate how the process of overcoming always finds a way to win. 

I'm excited for the year to be over, but I don't want to leave 2015 behind without expressing my deep appreciation for every lesson learned over its course. Each of the selections that you, my readership, have loved holds a piece of my lessons learned, a part of my journey of becoming who I can be. As you read over them, I hope the things I have gained offer you insight, hope, and comfort. I know that your time spent reading, commenting, and sharing my writing has offered me those three things throughout this year. I appreciate each of you.

All Things Purple: Readers' Choice Top Ten 2015

1. Self Absorbed Emotions

2. Sometimes

3. Making Room for More 

4. The Big Prize 

5. My Sad Summer

6. For The Love of Treats

7. Perspective Shifts

8. I Feel Joy

9. Dental Appointment Epiphany

10. Divorcedness

Honorable Mention: Questions of the Heart

Years Past Top Ten Lists: 

2014

2013

2012

2011

slow

I'm not sure how many times a light needs to come on or a layer of truth needs to unravel or the obvious to dawn on me, but I'm feeling slow. I'm thinking that for all my intelligence I don't know how to look after myself very well.

Stating the bare truth about my inability to recognize where I am not wanted sounds negative. It has negative effects. I don't feel content with how things are for me. And yet, as I feel myself in my awkwardness, there is a freedom in it. There is freedom in knowing where you are not wanted because that's one less place to look for belonging. It simplifies some aspects of your life. You figure out how to stop caring about certain things. You learn how to let go of hopes and dreams. You realize what you actually mean to people. And not just the person rejecting you as a potential companion. You learn about who supports you and who does not. You grow in ways you never knew you could because you're forced to scrape the bottom of the barrel for something to look forward to. You learn to be happy in the simplest of ways, to be grateful for every kindness you're shown.

But there's this one part that I really hate—it hurts so much.

my sad summer

I'm in denial, guys. This slice of life is my last one before teaching begins again, and I don't feel ready. And then I think to myself when does anyone feel ready? Ready is part perspective and part preparation. So now I'm thinking that I am completely correct with that definition. My perspective bites the dust, and I have so much still left to do to be prepared. On the perspective front, this first summer break since becoming a teacher has not been fun. It has not been a break at all. Just different garbage to sort through. That said, I'm not feeling rejuvenated, and I really wish at least a bit of my original plans could have come about.

It's not like you have to have fun to be rejuvenated, but it sure does help, and I had my heart set on a couple of things that just didn't happen. Times like these are when setting goals does you no good except to learn that not everyone likes what you like or wants what you want. And you just have to take one for the team, and sometimes the team is you. 

Taking time to relax and what bits of fun I was able to scrounge up this summer weren't enough to tide me over until Christmas, that's for sure. And while I was able to salvage my perspective a handful of times, I must officially deem this my sad summer. Every time I turned around, fresh problems were waiting to be solved, and many couldn't be. New troubles arising and old difficulties having to be faced without reprieve is not part of any happy time I've ever experienced, so I will simply accept the fact that sometimes things are sad. Positivity is what I strive toward regularly, but you can't sugar coat everything. That's called lying to yourself. 

My pen longs to write of happier times because there is no other way to see them. I will find my bliss. I will no longer be sad. I will let go of the things that are not mine to take responsibility for. I will cling to the joy that is mine to be had. 

And now I will close the book on this sad summer and look forward to the crispness of autumn and the hope that somehow next summer will hold more treasure than tears. 

I feel joy

I almost posted a slice about how I don't feel strong. And now, I'm thankful I was too busy to hit the Publish button.

Today, at every turn, I had challenges to face, and I had the strength to face each one as they came at me. If that isn't being strong, I don't know what is.

My prayers were answered in a unique way throughout my day. I was able to see all the problems for what they were instead of feeling like my world was crumbling around me. I felt my strength rise. I never felt weak or powerless.

Gratitude for making it through another busy and complicated day is filling my heart as I overwrite the misguided words that almost got sent out today. I am happy. I feel joy. And that means the world to me.

making room for more

My friend is moving away.

She actually packed up her family on Sunday and headed out, which means she is already gone as you are reading these words.

I know this kind of thing happens on the regular, but this particular friend has been an angel on Earth for me in ways that no one else could have been over the past several years. She and I were brought together to help each other through times that neither of us had much control over, and we made life better by simply being supportive, loving women toward each other.

One of my favorite memories that I hope to never forget is when she would come to pick up her children from my house after a long day, and we'd chat on my front porch or with me standing at the rolled down window of her SUV because she was too worn out from the day. The most precious of our power chats (sometimes we'd squeeze in an hour of visiting in ten minutes flat) was when she brought pizza and took a real break and sat down to talk while our children ran around. In my mind, that occasion has come to represent the needed in the moment but not every day support that she and I shared. We would stop everything even if it were only for ten minutes to give support to one another. The last few years have been more of her supporting me in my distress, but I hope she remembers that I gave my all to her when I had it to give.

I don't even know what to say more except that I have loved her and felt beloved by her in return. This type of friend is so rare. It takes my breath away to think about not having her just up the way from my house.

Life has a way of going and changing on us every time we turn around. We get all burrowed in and ready for plans to happen, and something shifts. It seems to make room for the next amazing experience, and I am going to hold onto that idea as I wish her the very best because she is my friend.

this race

alone

standing apart

at the start

no one else matters

the mile markers stretched out

marathon of a lifetime—this lifetime

running ragged, trudging along, unrelenting, breathless, beautiful

unable to get clear of sweat and tears

keep going, you can do it, break the pattern

somehow someday someone will come along the way to help 

to gladly lend unfailing, generous support and offer up their heart

but—don't stop to hold your breath—just keep going

you will overcome the trouble and see the sun

shining on your burdened shoulders and wind-whipped faces

hope emblazoned across your stalwart, eternal souls

even if no one else cares

light and joy will arrive

comforting these precious hearts

to the end

standing tall

alone

sometimes

Sometimes the day starts out fresh, has a horribly muddy middle, but ends well and good. Sometimes every single emotion happens in one day. Sometimes you get hugs by the droves that you've been needing.  Sometimes you have the slightest thread of hope left, yet sometimes that slightest bit is just enough to piece together a smile. Sometimes you have no answers, ask every question, and still are left with no answers, but sometimes that is okay. Sometimes a good day gone wrong goes right again, and you have friendship and love to thank.

my bowl of cherries

Out of place and feeling really quiet. Somehow all the good will outweigh the bad. My mother's hope for good winning out has to be true. These random thoughts feel almost like overthinking, and overthinking is a red flag. Just stop and enjoy what you can. But also, many people say fake it until you make it. So where do all the sad and confused and feeling silly go? They hide. They hide in the happy sunshine as the world keeps turning. They hide under a rock or in projects or in the things that appear to be productive and good. There is so little and yet there is so much. Do you live on famine or abundance? Which one will keep you alive and growing? Ask yourself that. That's the thing to think about. All the good and wonderful and things that are going right. Not the lies, manipulation, misunderstanding, selfishness, or pride. Not even the mistakes. Mistakes help you grow and learn how to not make the same ones again. If you care. Caring is essential for life. Caring is abundance. And if you have someone to share in that. Now, that's when good wins. Good wins forever. 

salted caramel memories

“Time passed, and pain turned to memory" (Cinderella 2015). 

The poignant elegance of this single sentence astounds. It captures beauty in the sad. It tells a thousand tales of past, present, and future. It tells my tale. 

With humbled heart, I want to give thanks for the passing of time. I've thought about how it is such a gift that it flies by the way that it does. Lamentable it is when we are having fun and people must leave temporarily or permanently or toward the next life. But oh how sweet a blessing—a tender mercy—when life is troubled. 

My slice of life today could be a cake of salted caramel, salty with sugar sweet, mixed in my mouth becoming a savory delight with tears and smiles, happiness and hope, broken wishes and an aching heart full of love. 

So full of love. I'm thankful for all the love and goodness that I do have. And I will be ever grateful that time flies by until the day that I don't because I wish I had more. 

revived

A Beautiful View

Within my fortress, I said I was looking for a friend,
And you quite perfectly returned, "Me too."
Time went by; layers were removed.
Our blooming world grew in every direction.

And now, though the ivory tower be not breached,
You, breath of fresh air and water for this thirst, mean so much.
You, even though so far in distances a few, do so much.
You are a darling particular and precious friend.

Holding my hand through the fire,
Bearing a portion of the heat for a moment,
As you listen to my hopeless cries,
The fabric of our bond stands strengthened.

With heartbeats quickened and stride lengthened,
My hope somehow renewed,
Recognizing your generous heart and outstretched hand
As my failing heart your care and kindness revived.

courageous risks

Courage has been on my mind like crazy. It's like I can't get that word out of my head no matter what I do.

Well, maybe I can't get it out of my head because I haven't been acting with much courage. I've instituted more of a hibernation situation instead. You've probably heard the shift in tone in my writing even.

It's amazing how daily life can get shaken up by a handful of words.

But today will be different. I know it can and will be different because I have come up with an action plan. Yesterday was actually the beginning of different, but my action plan had a soft start. I wanted to try stepping a few steps out of my cave I've put myself into, and it worked. Waking up feeling the same disheartened emptiness this morning, I realize that I will probably get out just a few steps more, but those few steps are courageous steps and not to be discounted.

I've been afraid to take any risks. It has felt safe to close myself off to the world; however, it has not felt good, right, or healthy. The past year held a great deal of growth and achievement, so I know better. I know that getting myself out there is the way to be in touch with my whole self and feed the fire that burns within me. I need to be going places, seeing sights, and achieving goals to maintain healthy growth and feel good about my life. This hibernation stuff doesn't suit me at all.

Now to figure out how to break this pattern—a few steps at a time, a little more each day—because I am brave.

courage to wait

I wrote that title almost a year ago. Typed it into the title box and left it as a place marker for writing something someday. I'm sure I meant to get back to it much sooner, but the time for writing has finally arrived. 

Courage, waiting, and patience have been words that keep coming to the surface of my mind. Courage in waiting, patience in waiting, not waiting but being truly patient in my living, and courage in living so as to not wait but be ready for whatever comes my way: these are the angles at which I explore this life I have. 

The past couple of weeks have been a time for reflection, so I've reigned myself in and shut out the rest of the world as much as I can manage. I have not felt courageous. I have not been waiting for anything either. I have not felt anything except an abiding desire to be patient and to step away from this sense of forever being unwanted. I couldn't even describe what I'm thinking half of the time because there is such a numbness to it that there are no words. 

Right now, I just don't have the courage to wait and see what comes next. It will come regardless, so in that knowledge I will hold on to hope. 

perspective shifts

They happen all the time. You are going along with life, making plans, holding onto hopes, and dreaming happy dreams. And then—something changes. A word is said, an action is taken, something is not done or undone, promises feigned or broken, and all of a sudden the world looks different to you, and you have to find a way to breathe again. You have to put one foot in front of the other, numb and wishing things could be different. But then you stop to realize that they are. You got different, just not the different you want. That's how change goes. Dependable and inevitable. Changed forever. Even if it's almost imperceptible. Never to go back the same again. So you keep going, you keep trying, you open up the door to all the happiness you can find. And the miraculous thing about it all is how you get to be surprised every so often with something good around the corner from change.

So here's to perspective shifts, change, and hopefully more wonderful surprises than I know what to do with.

rounding corners

Writing about myself right now isn't going according to plan. I had this idea that I would write about how I have these habits or ways of being that friends tell me are virtues. But it doesn't seem to come out how I want. Even those sentences before this one appear convoluted in my eyes. Maybe it's because I'm trying to talk positively about myself when I've just rounded the corner on a day of assuming a great deal of negativity.

It's funny and not so funny how negative thoughts can change our perspectives so drastically. My one hang up right now is that I am so sure about myself in one light and entirely in the dark in another. (But that doesn't make sense either. I'm pretty sure I am suffering from major fatigue.).

Even though I haven't found the words to accomplish my original goal, I am thankful to have rounded the corner and have some positivity coursing through my veins again.