without a doubt

To feel like I belong
In your world
That you make space
And take courage enough
To shut out the noise and allow
Priority to take place
For this quiet, loving world
We create day by day
There are no bounds
But the ones we set
Take down the walls
Give our joy its rightful chance
To let it happen
This spark, this love
This imperfect yet immaculate
Friendship, our sweet delight
A place to call home
Within our hearts
A place to heal together
A place to never depart
Because it's ours
Help me know
And show me
I will forever belong
Because my darling you
Know that you belong there too

defying negativity

What to write about. What to write.

I could go on about how I have been feeling down. I could tell you how much I wish for someone I love to choose me back. I could cry another river like the one I did a few weeks ago that hasn't seemed to dry up even still. 

But I don't want to go into any of that. I just don't. It won't solve anything. Time and choices will tell how I make it through all of this. 

So this leaves me with needing something to write about. How about I write about how I am the luckiest person to have a soft bed to lie on when I am feeling upset. I have like four pillows, the best quilts ever, and my bedroom is over 400 square feet on its own floor, so I can usually languish in peace. I'll write about how I might not have someone here to stay yet, but I know he will once he's prepared for life with me—and I'm fully prepared for him. I hold an ocean of hope in this heart that I won't be left without someone to share love. My crying stints might not communicate that, but it's true. And that brings me to the blessing of being able to feel. I think I'll write about how I am thankful that I can love so much that I'd be able to cry a river and it never dry up. I'll be grateful for this tender heart of mine that wants more and is always watching and waiting and hoping that love will find its way to me. Wanting for a home that is within arm's reach justifies a few tears and then some. 

Making my way through this life hasn't been easy, but there are many people out there with similar or even more distressing issues. I must remember to write about how I will overcome my circumstances. I will continue to write about the courageous way I take this path. I will defy the consensus that failure is an option. I will not believe that no one will ever do what it takes to stay. 

Seeking to Become - June 2016

It seems to be happening regardless of my desire to do so, but becoming more humble in all things is something I want to strive toward.

There have been times throughout the past month when humility has been required of me, and I took my time in finding some. It isn't easy to see shortcomings, own them, and do something about them. Yet as I ponder how I want to be, who I want to become, where I want to go in my life, I see that humility will help me.

I have decided to study and ponder the scripture, James 4:10:

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up. 

Who doesn't need lifting up? I don't know of anyone who couldn't use a boost now and again. And to think about the atonement of Christ, how we are able to be lifted out of our sin and sorrow because of that sacrifice, Christ's loving and selfless sacrifice, I realize all the more how humility plays a role in becoming more Christlike.

To be lifted up, truly lifted in heart, mind, and soul, we must be able to see our shortcomings, let go of the destructive facets of pride and ego and selfishness. This month, I hope you will join me in striving to recognize where humility is necessary and work on becoming so humbled that we feel lifted as we do so.

need more sleep

As I write this, I have heartburn that could ruin an entire national forest if I unleashed it, and I feel like there's a ton of bricks on my eyelids wanting me to sleep for days. I have a heavy heart that I've allowed to continue, and I just don't know what to do about all the things that are pushing on my time right now. 

Learning a new job while wrapping up the old one is a feat all its own without having someone around to help out. Plus, there are about ten other things going on that cannot be delayed. And I am realizing how no task is a simple task when you have the aforementioned circumstances. For instance, I decided to take my study and transform it into an office, which means getting the old desks out and rearranging things to suit only my needs. Before, it was designed for homework doing with kids, and I didn't have a focus on what I needed other than that. My resources I had in shelves nearby were for homework, not my post-graduation life. The whole place needed a nice little overhaul. 

So wanting and actually needing a more inspiring workspace has been overdue, and it is taking so much time. So very much. 

One good thing about this black hole I've fallen into is how I'm realizing how things will be alright. It might sound strange, but my purse collection actually reminded me to keep looking on the bright side. As I picked up an old purse off the hooks I'm repurposing, I got the idea to actually use the purse for my repurposing plan, and it is turning out to be truly functional and fun all at once. I have rediscovered some of my resources that I had only seen as good for school, and I found a few treasures that were tucked in little baskets and such from my old system. I found an unmailed letter from two years ago too that I thank heaven I found and not my children after I die. If for nothing else, I'm glad I am redoing this room, so I don't have to deal with a posthumous shaming. I am such an emotional writer sometimes. Good grief. 

I don't even know if this slice of life makes any sense. I'm still ablaze with heartburn and I feel horribly exhausted. But maybe, just maybe, you can see how I might complain but I love my life and creating systems to be effective. What a dorky nerd weirdo I am. Seriously. 

Have a good week, everyone! 

to be so free

To drive with all the windows down
And smile with wind flying at your face
To be yourself without complaint

To love someone
For them to love you too
To love and be beloved with equity

To have a trusted hand outstretched
Without another waiting in the wings
To be together without people as strings

To taste the freedom of a dream
Becoming part of all that's real
To live authentically—sans duplicity

To haul off the destructive walls
To soften edges yet never take away
To expose the layers to the warming light

To gladly give and humbly take
With each refreshing breath and life-giving beat
To gratefully receive and graciously be received