Don't mind me
I'm just figuring things out
As I go
With gusto
Time keeps running out
At every turn
And the turns
Are unceasing
And somehow
I keep going
It doesn't seem possible
Yet here we are
Running in a race
That isn't a race
Walking, not fainting
And learning at every turn
a hope that keeps you afloat
in times that keep you wondering
about everything that might be true
and everything that is
a word, the word which
hits your heart and flips a
switch in you
keeping you in
the arms of God's love
a choice
Look.
Pay attention to
the honest details.
Inhale. Exhale. Keep
On going into each
Fresh day.
Breathe and be
Happy as often as
You can, so life
Can make sense.
Writing, yet today, a random day,
I felt like I should stop by
To visit my old self and see
If words might connect us.
I see myself disconnected
And quiet, and I don't know
What to do about it except
Be more quiet. Silence somehow
Is comforting when so much is
Still unhealed—might never be.
Encased in perfect silence surrounding
The feelings that have no place
To go, no place to be felt or seen. Thus
Creating a special place where
Love is still possible and joy
Can be felt regardless of
What kind of day it has been.
Breathe in the good and
Blessings of the day as
You eradicate the shadows
That have no place but
To show us where to find
The light, the blessed light.
Radiate forgiveness in
Your silence. Let yourself
Be held and nurtured by
The care you offer
Others.
You live and breathe and
Therefore deserve
What you would give
To all living people.
Breathe in that
Truth
And smile
At the fact
That
You are worth paying attention to.
If I were to sum up 2020 with one word, it would be unexpected. Who could have guessed our whole world would be turned upside down and shut down and permanently altered in many ways when January 2020 hit? But I also wonder who has had a year when you're not at least a somewhat new person by the end of it? As I have been considering how much has changed this particular year, I realize that each year that goes by brings a great deal of change. 2020 is no different, yet what changed and how deeply it has affected us collectively is the unexpectedness that has shocked us. Adversity seems to be around every corner with sickness, death, political strife, etc. That said, I'd like to focus on some of the unexpected goodness with a list:
1. Being able to watch streamed concerts. The first one I watched was the Easter presentation from Milan, Italy with Andrea Bocelli. I felt the goodness of God surround me as the videographers took us around the city as well as other cities around the world to see everything slowed down and even still.
2. Significantly more time with my children. This one was a challenge at times, yet overall, I believe it helped us to recognize how important we are to each other.
3. Learning to better worship God at home. Talking about the gospel became more of a daily purpose. We began going on short road trips on Sundays to listen to sacred music, scriptures, and/or spiritual addresses.
4. Cooking new things. With being stuck at home, I had more time to cook, so I began looking up recipes that use items we had a lot of and didn't need anything else from the store when possible, and we had some really great food! I made sure to print off each recipe that we loved, and I'm going to compile a mini cookbook once this pandemic is over.
5. Family History. Doing family history work had already been a hobby, but with being slowed down these past several months, I have made a point to really work at it. Over the summer, I treated it like a job where I'd dedicate whole shifts of time to the work.
These five things are simply a handful of the unexpected good I found this year; there is so much more.
The truth is that there has been a great deal of suffering; nevertheless, there has been an overwhelming amount of good to help us to carry on, for which, I am thankful. I haven't written much—at all—lately, but I hope this end the year reflection might help me learn, heal, and remember the unexpected good that came out of a hopefully once in a lifetime pandemic.
On the way to school, music was filtering throughout the car, and the sun was shining on beautifully fresh blue skies. The drive is always short and sweet, but today's was really working hard to charm. I approached an intersection, one of many on the route, one I have entered many times. Just part of a regular routine. The light was green, so driving smoothly through was a safe expectation. All was well and fine.
Then, a driver coming from the opposite direction chose to make a left turn in front of me in the middle of the intersection. And not only did they turn in front of me but also the driver in the lane to me.
What do we do when someone chooses to drive through our safe path, thus making it unsafe? We honk the horn, yell, slam our brakes avoiding collision, push on the gas pedal praying for more power, sometimes cry once all is done. Sometimes, there are minor injuries and damages to vehicles; while at other times, there can be major injuries that affect the rest of your life or even worse. Although most of the time when things like this happen, we don't get injured or hurt, but we can learn what to do better or to appreciate smooth sailing a little more.
We have all encountered one of these drivers at some point in our lives, people who cut in front of our positive attitude and outlook, people who choose without thought of how they affect others. At times, we are the poor driver. In any case, we have also reacted in various ways. The gamut of responses to such offenses can be complicated—or is it?
I learned a quick yet poignant lesson about how simple our response can be from my youngest who was in the car with me.
That car was directly in front of me. With only a split second to check right, I could see the driver in that lane was farther into the intersection than me, causing the car turning in front of us to begin stopping to avoid collision, which gave me even less time to react well. So within that split second cut in half, I then looked ahead to see other options: I could hit the brakes as hard as possible and hope we didn't hit too hard and not get hit from behind or drive into the opposing traffic's left turn lane to get around the vehicle. In that split split second, I was also able to see far enough ahead that I could swerve around into the opposing traffic lane. And we made it through without causing a different major problem.
Once the danger was past, I was freaking out about how that person made it so I almost had to hit their car or hit cars in opposing traffic. I was seriously upset. And it had been literally two minutes or less when my son tells me, "Why are you dwelling on it? It already happened." I was in freak out mode, so I freaked out on him asking, "How is it dwelling on it when it hasn't even been five minutes since it happened?!" But he persisted and repeated what he had said simply and matter-of-factly.
I don't know about you, but my definition of dwelling on something is when the issue ruins my whole day or days or even longer. Not under any circumstance would I have thought that tripping on how terrifying the situation was for a minute afterward could qualify as dwelling on it. Alas, I stand corrected. That prompt to let it go without furthering the stress by pulling it apart and analyzing the inexcusable put it all in perspective within seconds. It was like a light switch was turned on, and I could see how blessed we were that I had enough time somehow to evaluate my obstacles when there was no time and swerve to safety. I was then immediately able to feel gratitude for the open lane on the opposite way, which is usually packed with a long line of cars wanting to turn left. Peace came quickly all because I didn't dwell on it for even one more second (once I listened to his advice).
Another side of this is the idea that our circumstances are of our own making. That notion only goes so far with me. I've lived for too long with being acted upon despite my best efforts to buy into that idea. However, within our choice set that is ours and from time to time pinched and even thwarted by others, we always have the choice to swerve out of the way of negative thoughts. We can choose to not dwell on things that have no worth in helping us learn or progress.
We never have to give more time to things that steal our peace. We can learn and cultivate the art of swerving.
