student teaching begins . . .

I get nervous and stressed out to the point of feeling physically ill.

I vent this stress on a few select individuals.

These individuals take turns assuring me that I will survive and succeed.

They encourage me.

I believe them (partly).

I go to school and survive—and even do better than just survive but love my time there.

Repeat.

(So far). 

building something

I hardly know what I am permitted to say to you

You, who is a luminescent joy in my life

An immeasurable source of positive growth
I'm not sure if you are ready or even want to hear
How your happiness is essential for me
As I continue on but never again as usual
I couldn't have expected to care so much
And now you are invaluable—beyond price. 

What would someone give in exchange

For what we are building together? 

Because that's what we've done—we built something

That continues to grow since the time we spent
Living and breathing within each other's space
Considering the other instead of self
Learning how well we match
Teaching each other what us feels like
And still—have I said too much?
I hardly know, but I will not take back
What cannot and should not be unsaid

happy memories

Summer has come and gone, and I have so much to show for it. I wanted this summer to be one where I go see something new, do something different, and strengthen relationships. And I accomplished everything that I wanted plus more. Not that I got every single wish, but I truly tasted and savored what life had to offer me over the past few months, and it feels amazing. There have been problems, and there have been some bad days and weeks, but overall, I had the loveliest summer I've had in a very long time.

With student teaching beginning, life is going to change once again. I know better than to say it will all get back to normal once it's over, because life has been in continual flux for years now, and this will only add to the likelihood of more change. There will be good days and bad ones. And I will draw upon the happy summer memories to make me smile on the rough days as I make my way through to the next phase. 

send me, thrill me, push me

Shannon, Texas

You do this thing to me
I can hardly explain
That southern sweetheart lilt
And the way that you pause
To let me ramble on
How it sends me, thrills me
Pushes me past the brink
And then I can not think
Because the only thing
Running through me right then
Is how much I miss you
And so want to kiss you
But then I stop myself
In that mad, mad moment
Allowing the beauty
The perfection of you
In the precious time shared
To heat my hidden soul
By the flame of our bright
Fiery adoring
Shared and exchanged by choice
Carried through in friendship
With a splash of something
More than could be foreseen
And still we let it grow
Tending this glad garden
With no way of knowing
Where it all might lead
Daring hope and belief
To prove these senses right
The happy full of fright
Sense that we belong here
In this space that we've made
Where we explore ideas
And each other with care
Careful to not trample
The seedlings of feeling
That sprang upon meeting
And have become so dear

it's all about choices

There is something perfectly wonderful about spending time with friends. Talking, laughing, crying, doing nothing, going to movies, exercising, eating, studying, anything. It's all so good.

Today was one of those wonderful days because I got to meet another social media friend. We went to the movies and she let me talk her ears off before and after, and to top it all off, we were both wearing purple. It was truly fulfilling to connect with her and feel like I have one more person rooting for me and wanting to spend time with me.

I never thought I would feel sensitive to whether or not people choose to spend time with me, but I do. Solitude is healing when I can slow down and relish it, but lately, after awhile, it only breeds anxiety that no one would want to be around me. I didn't realize how sensitive I had become until my divorce finalized six months ago. Suddenly, I felt every moment that people would set aside just for me and whether I get invited to things. My gratitude goes deep for the individuals who choose to use this precious thing called time with me.

On the flip side, I catch myself worrying at times that I'm not valued enough to be with. It is not a good place to be in, so I cast out the fear and doubt and move along. However, those negative thoughts flitting across the happy space I'm cultivating do more damage than I care to admit. Tears have been rumored to appear unannounced.

Days like today reaffirm to me that I have numerous women around me who care about my success, maintain happy marriages, and hope for me to find my forever someone. It was a heartening experience, and I am thankful I had the opportunity to spend my time so wisely.