disconnected

unknown source

Not sure what broke, but I am definitely feeling changed by it. If you normally read my blog, you'll notice that my writing slowed down, and I haven't written but a few times over the past three months, and I am feeling strained to write even now. The worst part of it all is that I began a book manuscript, wrote a ton and with great enthusiasm, then lost my fire. It feels pretty snuffed out actually. Honestly, I do not know why I am even writing this out as I am disconnected from my once driven sense to write and recall and capture. I do not feel like myself.

The thought that keeps coming to me is that my sense of self is changing. Maybe the events of the past year or so stamped into me some things that eventually have changed me into someone I don't understand again. Writing usually helps me to understand change, but I have been taking time to be alone and be quiet instead. My brain doesn't seem to process things the way it used to even, and it concerns me. So you know, I have been consulting with my doctor about this post-concussion existence, so don't worry about that. I just don't like this version of different that I am experiencing. I don't feel like I am processing my most recent heartbreak properly because of the way my brain works lately.

I'm working on being patient with myself and others, connecting more with my word of the year humility, and taking care of myself, so I can feel better and find a sense of normalcy again. There are times when I just cancel everything I can and stay home, so I can slow down and recognize that I need to take time to heal.

I don't even know. Maybe this is a weird slice that shouldn't even be written, but as I very much want to keep on trying, I will let it stand. I miss connecting with all of you. Hopefully, I will find some more words to share soon.