joy quest: freedom

As I was pondering what I'd share today since it's Independence Day for Americans, I thought about many things: music, inspiring quotes, inspiring leaders, the wars and victories, and my parents. All of those people and things as I thought of them in turn gave me a measure of pride and joy. How do I decide what to share then?

I decided to share a video of me riding a roller coaster:


This decision came to me because I believe it encompasses in a very short period a metaphor for my pursuit of happiness. Ups and downs. Laughter. A whole lot of "holy craps" said and unsaid. And being free to do all those things.

Another reason I decided to share this video is as a metaphor for my freedom. I was with my son celebrating his 17th birthday on Independence Day last year when I shot this, and the memory of it reminds me of how free I am now. Life isn't easy in the least. I get sad. But I am free to keep trying and keep improving and be myself.

Speaking of being free to be myself. Is it terrible that I can watch this over and over and I laugh at myself every time as if the video is new? Like, I crack myself up so bad. I wonder what level of crazy I'll look like when I'm an old lady. I can't even comprehend it! haha!

I'm so thankful for everyone who has made my freedom possible. And thank you for sharing this slice of joy with me today! God bless America, land that I love!

joy quest: grief's gift

Some sad news came my way last night after writing the joy quest post, and so I felt compelled by inspiration to write a poem, Without Even Trying. It's what I do; I write poems when I am grieving. I write them for myself and for my friends and family who are affected by loss. And something happened with this poem that surprised me and gave me such a gift.

Because of the sad news, I thought I wouldn't be able to find anything joyful to share today. But I was so wrong. I didn't think anyone would really read the poem. And that's fine, I write to express inspiration and feelings whether or not anyone else reads my writing. However, it does feel nice when my work gets read and shared though, and this poem was read, loved, and shared so very much. It was truly appreciated. And that gives me so much when I second guess my writer's life I've been cultivating. To be clear, I feel like such an imposter most of the time.

Not today though. My writing gave comfort to the sad and gave people reason to smile inside. And they shared this far and wide already in less than a day. It gives me a full heart to know I could help even one person with my words—and there were many more than one. I am so thankful, and gratitude is joy's seeds.

without even trying

In an instant
Everything is different
Just like when we first meet
Someone—anyone
They change us
Without even trying

Meeting a baby for the first time
Whether your own or someone else's
Someone's baby brother
Can change you
You fall in love a little
With their laugh and smiles
You tuck a piece of them
In your heart
Carrying it with you
Without even knowing
It's there
Until—

They change you again
By not being here
To breathe earth's air
With everyone together

It matters not
Where they live
Or how long it has been
Since you saw that smile
Or heard that laugh

It matters not
Any of the different paths
Everyone took
Because you realize
In an instant
That you had them held
Within your heart
Forever

Where they will stay
Always

To remember the smiles and laughs
And the sweet and tender heart
Who showed you
So many years later
That there are many pieces
Of your heart that were whole
Until they left




For Jeff, the baby brother I loved the moment I saw him
Rest in peace

joy quest: fire

I don't have an elaborate story to tell, nor a well thought out response to an inspiring source. I don't even have a proper picture really. I just snapped a quick shot of our fire pit party and kept on enjoying myself.

There's something about roasting marshmallows and hotdogs (and pork steaks like savages) over an open fire. We were able to really enjoy the evening as we wound down from the week before on this beautiful Sunday. And it gave me joy. I am thankful we could take the time, that we observe the sabbath and shut out the world some one day a week.

My joy is quiet yet on fire tonight.

joy quest: making room for more

We can love something so much. We can have the best memories. We can even not want to set it aside. Yet—if that something, a habit, a hobby, a thing, anything keeps us from receiving untapped joy, it is time to let it go and try making room for something new. 

Tillman has been a fun bear, a sweet bear, and remains a most precious bear to me and my children, but I've decided that we need to retire him. There's so much love wrap up in this little stuffed animal that I fear prolonging our adventures with him will only end up breaking our hearts more as time goes on. He has come to represent a bridge of sorts for us with one of our dear friends, and it's just hard to think about how much we care. 

So I've found a home for Tillman where he will be safe and accessible but not out as a constant reminder, in the hope that we will open up some space in our hearts for more joy—new joy—fresh and rejuvenating. 

This whole thought isn't very joyful if you ask me, but this is a quest, not a perfectly joyful 30 days. I am finding joy, understanding joy, and learning how to open my heart to receive more of it. And this is something that I believe needs to happen to make room. 

Just don't tell my kids. Okay? They will figure out my decision soon enough, and I don't feel like crying over a purple teddy bear in front of them.