battle axe dreams

Not sure about you, but sometimes, you just need a balloon battle axe to make your day go right.

Yes, it is ineffective at chopping anything up—like, literally, it will chop nothing at all except air. But what it is highly effective at destroying is a bad mood. Maybe that is the key to my son reaching his dreams of being a carnival worker.

Each of my children have gifts and talents that make our family life wonderful. My oldest daughter knows no guile and is so adorably sweet. My oldest son has a real knack for getting people to laugh and smile and make enjoyable, good discussion even on heavy topics. His taste in 70s Rock is trying my patience though. My youngest daughter is able to see when anyone is sad or tired and help out. She's also a really good note writer. These notes I speak of are legendary ever since she could write at all. I've tried to save them all, so she can see what a gift she is. And my youngest, he has lots of talents too, but the one I want to share is his love of balloon art.

This kid told me the other day that when he grows up, he wants to be wealthy. His plan is to "own properties and be a plumber or something useful like that and hire someone to be the CEO of [his] company, so [he] can be a carnival clown and do balloon animals." That's some big goals right there. Not sure how they will all jive together, but to have such uniquely specific goals is something none of my other children have ever voiced to me. And I can't help but hope he achieves them.

I often scroll through my photos and look at that battle axe he made and can't help but hope.

music love

Music can say things we don't have the words for. It sets or changes the mood. Music can heal and lift and bless others when we share it. One regret I have is that I am not more of a musician.

My mother was a musician to the core. She sang, played piano and organ, and had impeccable taste in  many styles of music. She set the standard to which I could never rise.

I guess I could have, but with the opportunities I had (and didn't have) growing up, coupled with my life challenges, it just didn't work out. I am sure if we had money for private lessons and my mom didn't have to go to work when I was young, I could have reached a lot more musical dreams.

Instead, I throw myself into finding great music to listen to and share with others. Since the 80s, I've been making mixed tapes, burning CDs, and creating playlists for myself and others. It's down to an art form if you ask me. You could also ask any of my friends or old boyfriends who received such delights, and they would attest to the amazingness of this bizarre musical talent.

I might not be a great singer or pianist, but I do have a deep love of music, and that is all that matters.

life skills

This school year, I am teaching Life Skills for junior high students along with my Digital Journalism course for high school students. I didn't realize the wide range of classroom management I would need to tap into with this teaching load, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Junior high students are my favorite. That age is so awkward and fun and surprising and difficult. You never know who will love or hate you and to what degree those feelings will affect you as a teacher, and I seem to thrive on the challenge to reach the students who hate me the most.

The 80/20 rule is pretty accurate in my classes: 80 percent tolerate/listen to me, 10 percent love me, and 10 percent detest me. And it's been interesting to see how that 10 percent slowly get won over (or at least pretend to be won over). For instance, most of the haters gave me Christmas gifts, which was a real shocker! Maybe they are just putting up a front, or maybe their parents know what I'm up against and wanted to show some appreciation. Either way, the gesture warmed my teacher heart.

Another aspect of Life Skills that I enjoy is having the ability to reward the students for working hard and getting their work done early. These kids love doing arts and crafts, so on days when the majority are all finished with their required work, they make classroom decorations. During December and January, they created a blizzard of amazing snowflakes. Then in February, hearts (and heart sharks) covered one side of the classroom. This reward system is highly motivating and easy to implement because I have such a great group of students.

We are closing in on the last quarter of the year, and I already know, no matter what happens fourth quarter (because we all know things can go straight up awry fourth quarter), I will miss this school year so much.

writing a poem

I was going to write a poem—I had all the words—
As soon as I could put it all on paper
Yet the poem never found a home in which to stay
For those short moments as I lost my way

Impressions marked my heart
But I have let those details fade
Accidentally and purposefully
As the world continues to spin too quickly 'round

What I remember is how I am my better self
When I can love someone with more of my heart
There is something transformative, enlivening and exciting me
When I am hopeful of being beloved

Words come more easily and I feel
More confident
More lovely
More of who I am at my core

I was going to write a poem
About how falling in love is scary and beautiful
It is partially written, but I think I'll keep on falling
And get back to writing once the walls are finally down

feeling lucky

Do you ever look around you and see how lucky you are? Do you ever sit back in awe of how you got where you are?

I do.

There's not really much luck involved in the good things happening for me or anyone really, but I like how "feeling lucky" feels as I write or say it. It makes things not seem so difficult, like the road to get to where you can see the blessings wasn't all that bad.

It's like when you have a baby. You suffer. Dude, I suffered. Preterm labor, weight gain transforming everything, pain, hunger, sacrifice. And then when that baby is born healthy and strong, you feel lucky. So lucky.

It's like when you find love again after a terrible break up or divorce. You suffer. Man alive, did I suffer. Solitude, poverty, worry for the future, sacrifice. So much sacrifice. And then when that kaleidoscope of butterflies works its way into your chest, you feel lucky. So very lucky.

Luck is more like blessings when you've worked hard to keep trying and not give up. Luck looks like the sacrifice of making room for what you need. Luck is in between the lines of all the silenced fears I hope to turn away from. No matter how things turn out, in the end, I know it will be alright.

I am feeling lucky.