so thankful

That's me. Sideways.

Follow up from yesterday's slice…

All looks well. The doctor said it looks to be an infection, and it should all go away within three weeks. If it doesn't, we will do a biopsy then.

But seriously did you hear that part about it most likely not being cancer?

I had made myself so sick with worry.  Don't get me wrong. I kept myself very busy with work, and I said my prayers, and everything. But my brain is working overtime when there's any problem, so my subconscious was cranking out the heartburn like a champ. I was sure I would throw up if I got bad news.

The moment we left the doctor's office, I felt a weight lifting from me, and then we stopped by Costco of all random places to catch up with my friend before he had to go to work, and I got a few good hugs in, etc. and felt even more relief after that.

At this point, I am feeling the strain of the day, and I could sleep for like a week if it were possible. But this is just so wonderful to have such good news, and I am so thankful, so very thankful.

I appreciate everyone who had their breath held and prayers said in our behalf. I am so thankful for you too. Your kind words helped me get through this day more than you know.

lumpy bumpy

The morning was easy going and peaceful. I had gone to sleep content; having all of my children under one roof always helps me sleep easier. So I was having a really great morning. My oldest son was up and showering, so I didn't need to worry about waking him to get to the train in time for him to head back to his place. I was up and rested and getting myself ready for work, and my oldest daughter's home health aide arrived on time to help get her ready for the day. Everything was moving like clockwork.

But then, in the midst of my peaceful morning, her aide called me to come in, and she said she found an armpit lump on my daughter.

I felt it, and then did a parallel check on both to see if it was her body. And it was not just her body. It is a lump. A hard pea-sized or bigger lump.

As soon as the doctor's office opened, I called. The nurse had to call me back. And we have an appointment for the next day. That is all good and proactive. But I have a sick feeling in my stomach from fretting. I'm trying to find a way to stop fretting. It's not like it does any good. I'm just making myself sick.

So maybe you're wondering why I have a picture of pie on display. It's because when I decided to write about this and distract myself, the first thing I thought about was how happy my daughter was to make pie on Pi Day.

Coconut cream pudding pie is simple. I got all the ingredients after school that day, so she could make a pie with her helper who was coming over for the evening. I know how much she likes to "cook" stuff, so it was going to be a great time.

As predicted, she and her helper had so much fun making her pudding pie. She was so proud of herself that she was being a showoff about it. It always makes me smile to see her trying to make sure everyone sees her good work.

And now, I'm thinking about how she has little lumps and bumps on her head and other places, and maybe, it won't be a big deal. But the fact is it could be a big deal, but I will work hard to breathe and not worry.

shelves

What do you keep on shelves?

My first thought is for all of my books and movies. Then I think about my collectible mugs and other knick knacks. I also think about the clocks and pens and stickers lying in piles on the window sill and other shelf-like places around my home.

Dishes and other housewares are piled on shelves in my kitchen cupboards. These are a different type of shelf though. They get paid attention to on the daily.

Then I think about my heart. I put it on a shelf a few years ago because I was too afraid to get hurt again. I set it in a corner to collect dust, thinking it was for the best. I couldn't trust myself to choose someone who would choose me back. Or so I thought. I was really just having a really long pity party.

I've taken my heart off that shelf and been dusting it off for awhile now, and it feels good. It feels like it is long overdue actually. Hearts need to be used on the daily. They need to love and be loved. Just like the dishes. For daily use.

serenity soon

I'm unfamiliar with this term, serenity. I've heard it is quite the treasure, and so as I find myself inching toward the border of this uncharted territory, I catch myself holding my breath from time to time, waiting for it to not be so good. Yet somehow the landscape just keeps on getting better and better.

Don't get me wrong, I see the mountains in the distance. For sure. Life wouldn't be life without mountains and valleys and earthquakes, but life is also about smooth waters and blue skies and sunshine. Right? I just haven't seen much of the latter in such full measures for a very long time.

I truly can't remember when the last time I felt like I was at least nearing serene shores. I've had excitement and fun and kindness and friendship and affection, but I have not had so much directed solely in my direction from one person with such tender loving care in an indeterminate amount of time. It has been that long.

It is astonishing as I try to write about it. I do not think I misperceive either, and I honestly feel so many butterflies of pure joy that I do not know what to do with it all. Grown ups are typically settled a little better by now, and here I am with so much newness on the horizon. It is amazing.

Acceptance and affectionate friendship are part of what is leading me toward this well of serenity. I have become so vulnerable—I've made myself this way because I am too bold for my own good—that I create mountains for myself, yet I am surprised with acceptance and forgiveness that I don't even have to ask for really. It is just there, waiting for me as I open up and tear down my walls.

How could tearing down walls lead to serenity? It is almost counterintuitive, right? But I tell you, I am feeling what I believe could possibly be serenity or close to it. My heart is at ease in all its excitement. It is wishing and wondering yet confident. I don't even know what to do with it all.

And then I wonder—does anything I am writing make any sense whatsoever? And I laugh. I hope you do too. I am so happy right now, so at peace, carefully walking along the edge of serenity so as to not disturb any falling rock.

ahead

A blank slate of a day ahead of us—a lovely unplanned day
Quietly taking shape as the hours turn to afternoon
With the sun cutting the winter air in half and half again
As it warms the sidewalks and then the street beneath our feet
Walking and talking and sitting and laughing
Driving and listening and wishing
For a clean slate road like the one we found today
A little rough in patches but not so bad when you look ahead

Blue skies and lovely water lapping the marshy edges
Perfect in its imperfection
Showing me how relaxing is done
Giving me a change of pace as I take a second glance
Looking down the lane
I see a joyful road ahead of me—with you