a phoenix with no wings

No dignity for me
As I descend from the top
Of stairs so fair
Burnt to a crisp
I jumped in head first
So a mess is all I get
I spoke before I should
And now I'm taking
My foot out of my mouth
My heart out of my throat
And my head out of the clouds

There is nowhere for me
No love
Affection
Or safe harbor

There is only hurt
Pain and crying
Into the night
With no one here to hear

There is nothing but
Empty wishes
Broken hope
With nothing shared

I look upon what
Led me to such height
And my body trembles
At the misguided thoughts

Like a phoenix but with no wings
I can make it on my own
I've tread for years through fire
And made it out alive
Even still there's nothing wrong
With wanting a companion
To walk alongside
To guard me from the coals

But that is not for me
I do not get to have
What I wish
My heart's desire
It is not permitted
For people like me
Who don't know when to stop
Before they start
Something that
No one else wants

leave a light on

I don't want to get quiet.
There's something about it
That kills me inside
When I don't let anyone in
To see and feel with me
The light whether barely
Or brightly beamed.

The only problem is
That no one wants in,
So is it better for me
And everyone else
That I shut this mouth of mine,
That I close my heart and
Stop making a fool of myself,
That I quit allowing myself
To think I belong anywhere
With anyone—
That I could be loved
Enough to belong,
To find a home,
To be in someone's heart
Long enough to know
That I belong and
Never question again
Whether I am loved?

I want to shout
How I am worth it.
I want to cry on
Comfort's shoulder.
I want you to
Embrace me.
I want to know
I am not just a safe place
You seek
When no one else is around.

But neither shouting nor keeping quiet
Are what will set things right.
Somewhere in the middle
There is a voice whispering
Inside of you—not me—
That needs to be acknowledged.
Things wouldn't hurt so much
If you'd listen to the love
That wells up inside of you,
If you'd stop shutting out
Your heart's voice
And let it take wing.

It is not for me to find
A way to the joy
You have left behind.
Find it—
And you will see me.
Only then can possibility
Become reality.
Only then can we
See our destiny
In the full light of day
Without fear
Of hurting
Ourselves,
Our love,
Us.

Until then,
I'll leave a light on
Dimly lit,
Burning through
The dark of night,
Through any trouble,
Time and space.
I'll keep it here
Within this heart
And mind
That won't forget
The happiness
And heart that
You alone have brought to life.

erasing feelings

Words have been erased. I write so much, but then I throw them away because I feel thrown away. I don't want all the pain of today to stick. I want to write but not be reminded of how I have felt. Having a space to write and be reminded here has taught me that I am most certainly reminded. I have laced each poem and memoir bite with a pretty poison to either hurt or delight. I have a stack of journals from over the years that hold pain and tears and happy times intermingled. I have sheets and sheets of email letters. I know about being reminded by what I choose to write—and keep. 

Maybe if I could write my words in the wet sand at the beach, carving out my heart, then letting the tide wash it all away. Maybe that would work. Maybe. But I don't live near the ocean, and I can't get there soon enough to try this experiment while I need release. I'd love to set my heart on a month-long sabbatical to the seaside, but that's an option for people who aren't me. So I must be contented with writing letters that go in the garbage and writing poems that hide until I feel brave enough to cut my heart out with my own words. I must be content with erasure. 

Seeking to Become - September 2016

Last month as I commemorated five years of doing this thing, I began contemplating the idea of adding more to my monthly scripture focus. Up until now, I have solely shared scriptures from the Old and New Testaments from the King James Version of the Holy Bible. For five years, I have left out a big part of my spiritual life and the scriptures I believe to be true and helpful in seeking to become like our Savior. I'm speaking of The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. 

Beginning this month, I will reference scriptures from The Book of Mormon, so that will be assumed in my citations.

So to commence this new chapter of my challenge, I have pondered what scripture would be best. What would help me to focus on and what would help someone who happens to read this and want to join me in this seeking that I speak of—this seeking to become more like Jesus—to follow his example and guidance. In Mosiah 4:9-10, I have found a great treasure of guidance:

 9 Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.
 10 And again, believe that ye must repent of your sins and forsake them, and humble yourselves before God; and ask in sincerity of heart that he would forgive you; and now, if you believe all these things see that ye do them.

I have been feeling pretty low as of late. I've been feeling so abandoned and unwanted. Amidst my sore feelings, I have realized how I should leave more room for comfort from the spirit, how I need to believe and trust and know better. Yes, I am unwanted, but I don't have to let myself feel it every day with such poignancy. Acknowledging our reality is important, but it doesn't have to steal our joy nor edge out chances for happiness that are before us. I need to remember I am loved by God, that he understands me and knows how to help me because he created me and this world. I need to strive to be more humble and forsake the sorrow that I hold onto. I need to work on being more kind and worthy of forgiveness. I want to do these things that I might show God my belief in Him, show my trust and faith.

As we spend the rest of this month and into the next, I hope you will walk with me in becoming more believing and doing as we seek to become more like the Savior.

SaveSave

no angel

I am not an angel, and yet I weep.
Through my endless tears I see things
Keeping me from smiling on the inside.
I stretch toward the sunlight
To warm my shrinking heart,
To keep myself from hiding at night
From the fears that have never been hushed
By reality's soft and quiet hand.

I am no angel.
I make things bad.
But not all the time.
Sometimes I deserve more.
I do.
I need more.
I deserve to be seen
Long enough and deeply enough
To be given what I need.
A hand outstretched
Just for me.
A heart to care for
Just for me.
A love to try
And stay
Just for me.

I need no angel.
I need real.
I need a best friend
Who will never leave
Who wants to stay with me
Never to be abandoned
To the elements ever again.
And still I weep

For all that could be
Until my love comes to me.