never and always

A country road out in the heart of Texas

I am enough.
I am just enough to be loved
For my vibrant, wild spirit
And my adventurous, pure heart.
I am enough for undying friendship.
I am enough for being a trusted confidante.
I am more than enough to be appreciated
For my giving and pensive ways.
I am enough to be forgiven for all the
Silly and thoughtless things I do and say.
I am enough to be remembered
When times are tough, when love is sparse.
I have been enough to make a mark
On more than a few men's hearts.
I am enough to be loved to a large degree,
To be loved in no slight measure.

Nevertheless—
I just don't have enough of whatever it takes
For someone to look at me and say
You are so much that I can't look away.
Apparently, I do not comprise that substance
Persuading anyone to want to stay—forever.
In this moment in time, I reflect
On my life and loves
And I have never been quite precisely
Who anyone is seeking for a sense of completion.
I am endlessly told "you are enough"
And yet, I never have been.
I am everywhere and nowhere.
I have part and parcel of many hearts
But never the entirety of one.
It's never enough.
Who I am and what I bring
Is never quite enough.
I know no home, and I see that I never have.
I can't foresee how I ever will be
In fact
Enough,
And the grief settles in.

Because my hope won't leave me alone,
I continuously scan the unrelenting world
For love, acceptance, and knowledge.
Ever hoping I will be enough
For someone.
Stabbing myself in the heart
With everlasting hope
That somehow, someday, some way
There will be someone
Who will care enough
And want to do whatever it takes
To hold onto me and never let go.
It takes two. It always and must take two . . .

I stop myself in the midst of my damaging meditation
To acknowledge that, no matter what anyone might choose,
I have always been enough
And forever after I will continue to be.
I simply need to wait for him who can and wants to see
That I am worth every risk.
I am not just enough but worth everything.



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