the big prize



Love is a funny and not funny thing. It's funny how you get so silly about someone. How does that even happen? You can be surrounded by hundreds of people and out of the crowd just one person holds your attention. It's as if our souls are able to connect first, and then we spend our days working out how to get the rest of everything to click. And sometimes our stupidity pushes out that connection like a wrong number, a missed connection, a busy signal when dialing into the radio station to win the big prize. And we lose out. But not always. Some people find it all: the friendship, the love, the support, the intimacy, and even the problems to overcome together that make the bond stronger.

Well, I certainly am no loser. I just can't seem to find my way around people not making the crucial decision of loving me enough to want to stay. And you know what? On really bad days, I might as well be a leper for all the negative things I'm able to dig up on myself—that are true. But then I think about the good side of me, and I just can't understand it all. What's so wrong with me? I won't stop being who I am because that's simply not what I do. Maybe I keep things too real. Perhaps I'm simply not ready yet. Who even knows.

I write these things here right now, so I can remember where I am today. I want to remember these feelings. Not to cherish them, but hopefully to mark progress and increased joy. That's what I need right now, to see that I can reach my dreams one day at a time. I will mark the days with joy in the hope that it will grow with practice. I will continue to work on who I want to be and to create space in my life. Gratitude is the seed for joy. Focusing on being glad for what is going well certainly will make a difference. The big prize is recognizing what you have in the moment and being thankful for it. I will focus on that.


5 comments:

  1. You are definitely right about the big prize, but that is not always easy to hold on to in tougher times. Great reflection and you are right that this is a slice you will want to look back on.

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  2. What a beautiful and brave reflection on love, on yourself, on working on things, and not giving in. I admire your mindful practice of finding gratitude in each day. Here's to looking forward.

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  3. I think I could post your last paragraph on my fridge and read it every morning!
    " I will mark the days with joy in the hope that it will grow with practice." What a great way to live! I need to find my poster "Joy lives here" and put it up in my classroom again! Here is to JOY for today!

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  4. You have poignantly described how so many of us feel in certain seasons. It's important to remember, as you reflect, it's not you - it's a pause before your next encounter, or waiting for that just right person to come into your life. Thank you for reminding us how to see the positive and forge head.

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  5. But then I think about the good side of me... I won't stop being who I am...remember both of these in your head and heart . . . the right person is out there probably looking for you... you just haven't connected yet!

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