Love is a funny and not funny thing. It's funny how you get so silly about someone. How does that even happen? You can be surrounded by hundreds of people and out of the crowd just one person holds your attention. It's as if our souls are able to connect first, and then we spend our days working out how to get the rest of everything to click. And sometimes our stupidity pushes out that connection like a wrong number, a missed connection, a busy signal when dialing into the radio station to win the big prize. And we lose out. But not always. Some people find it all: the friendship, the love, the support, the intimacy, and even the problems to overcome together that make the bond stronger.
Well, I certainly am no loser. I just can't seem to find my way around people not making the crucial decision of loving me enough to want to stay. And you know what? On really bad days, I might as well be a leper for all the negative things I'm able to dig up on myself—that are true. But then I think about the good side of me, and I just can't understand it all. What's so wrong with me? I won't stop being who I am because that's simply not what I do. Maybe I keep things too real. Perhaps I'm simply not ready yet. Who even knows.
I write these things here right now, so I can remember where I am today. I want to remember these feelings. Not to cherish them, but hopefully to mark progress and increased joy. That's what I need right now, to see that I can reach my dreams one day at a time. I will mark the days with joy in the hope that it will grow with practice. I will continue to work on who I want to be and to create space in my life. Gratitude is the seed for joy. Focusing on being glad for what is going well certainly will make a difference. The big prize is recognizing what you have in the moment and being thankful for it. I will focus on that.