I'm not sure how many times a light needs to come on or a layer of truth needs to unravel or the obvious to dawn on me, but I'm feeling slow. I'm thinking that for all my intelligence I don't know how to look after myself very well.
Stating the bare truth about my inability to recognize where I am not wanted sounds negative. It has negative effects. I don't feel content with how things are for me. And yet, as I feel myself in my awkwardness, there is a freedom in it. There is freedom in knowing where you are not wanted because that's one less place to look for belonging. It simplifies some aspects of your life. You figure out how to stop caring about certain things. You learn how to let go of hopes and dreams. You realize what you actually mean to people. And not just the person rejecting you as a potential companion. You learn about who supports you and who does not. You grow in ways you never knew you could because you're forced to scrape the bottom of the barrel for something to look forward to. You learn to be happy in the simplest of ways, to be grateful for every kindness you're shown.
But there's this one part that I really hate—it hurts so much.