striking

At times, I can hardly bear being in this skin
This self-assured, self-deceiving, presumptuous skin
Being who I am and how I am and what I am
Distinctly different, dangerously audacious
I sicken even myself and plot a means to flee
But I stay to witness the burning barn, unwilling to leave

With a blazing rush of energy, I take on the day
Either in embers, sparks, or full on fire
My path is lit up by this fever that is my way
Scorching, torching, and smothering
Pick the poison of the passing moment
To partake of this rare form of prime punishment

Loving so hard and forever that it incinerates my very thoughts
Standing afar off in feigned occupation—self-prescribed seclusion
With the informed assumption that no one will come
I do not understand why, despite my full admission
That charred to a crisp fear continually follows in my wake

Never to be gifted the sacrificial endeavor of truly being seen
And yet—I tarry to sweep the darkened, aubergine horizon
Finding the flicker of the far off sun's ever burning rays
I catch my breath, labored and bated, with the sting of ascertained truth
That I began to love you before we ever met, and I will not and wish not to stop
Even if you never assume the part of the match that started all of this—I still burn

it started with good night

The push and pull and drag of it all
Wishing, wanting, waiting — almost patiently
Heart worn on a sleeve for so long it has a farmer's suntan
And somehow it still feels like the best thing since ice cream
Even if the bridge we're building hasn't quite closed the gap
The vibrant sun keeps shining and storm clouds remind me of you
And I think of all that could be
Somehow, someday, some way
It will happen
But until then, I admit that I weep a little—perhaps a lot
When I see sweet intentions that are not meant for me
I wish I weren't so intuitive and knowing
Without trying, I somehow understand too much and too little
Imagination running wild yet set at ease by the taskmaster at once
All I can do is force myself to breathe through it
The wishing wounds and heals me deeply
Confused, still I smile gladly
Because I want you to be happy
More than anything else in the world
Every day. Right now. Through every tomorrow.
I wait for you to believe this truth
For you to want to do anything and everything
To give me the chance to be the she who brings
Smiles to your lips and spins
A golden reality from your untamed wishes
Because if you're by my side, loving me
Every day will be my best dreams realized
To say good night every night looking in your eyes
That's all I see now with this love-stained vision
I will not keep myself from dreaming
Because you mean so much
You are worth the risk of a shattered heart
You are infinitely beautiful to these hazel green
Tear-filled eyes that continue to wish too hard
I shall scale unscalable walls because I want you.
The layers will come off because they must
And we will stand exposed
Like two pearls in a split open shell
Being admired for their rare and precious beauty
Fawned over, coveted, and revered.

a short and chunky ball of anxiety

A week of school has passed by, and I am chock full of anxiety and excitement. The students are wonderful; my cooperating teacher is amazing; my supervising teacher is encouraging; and all the teachers in the English department are welcoming and kind. I couldn't ask for a better foundation on which to begin, and yet, I still have a high level of anxiousness that I can't shake. Today, my cooperating teacher told me that it will go away once I completely take over all of the classes. And when she said that I only felt more stress. However, she has been through it before and appears to be quite trustworthy, so I am going to take her word for it and try to go to sleep tonight without taking anything to knock me out. 

Seeking to Become — August 2014

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.          

Matthew 5:16  

The summer has gone by so quickly, and I have been forgetting to write about my Seeking to Become challenge I've been working on. I decided to ponder on it a little longer than one month and see how I could accomplish it. 

To let your light shine can feel tricky because we don't want to be show-offs or indulge in arrogance. What the Lord is asking of us is to do good things that can and do express our love for his children and that we want to show that God matters in our lives by trying to be like him. 

I have been really stretching my outlook to seek what I could do more in my circumstances to let my light shine. Some days, I don't see that I have much light to share, but every once in awhile, I am able to catch a glimpse of how others see me and realize that I am making a difference just like other people are making a difference in my life. I just don't ever want to be a taker who never gives anything back. I desire to glorify God in every good thing by serving and loving others, which in turn will guide others to glorify God. 

I invite all of you to join me in seeking to become someone who lets their light shine. The world desperately needs more light. 

student teaching begins . . .

I get nervous and stressed out to the point of feeling physically ill.

I vent this stress on a few select individuals.

These individuals take turns assuring me that I will survive and succeed.

They encourage me.

I believe them (partly).

I go to school and survive—and even do better than just survive but love my time there.

Repeat.

(So far). 

building something

I hardly know what I am permitted to say to you

You, who is a luminescent joy in my life

An immeasurable source of positive growth
I'm not sure if you are ready or even want to hear
How your happiness is essential for me
As I continue on but never again as usual
I couldn't have expected to care so much
And now you are invaluable—beyond price. 

What would someone give in exchange

For what we are building together? 

Because that's what we've done—we built something

That continues to grow since the time we spent
Living and breathing within each other's space
Considering the other instead of self
Learning how well we match
Teaching each other what us feels like
And still—have I said too much?
I hardly know, but I will not take back
What cannot and should not be unsaid

happy memories

Summer has come and gone, and I have so much to show for it. I wanted this summer to be one where I go see something new, do something different, and strengthen relationships. And I accomplished everything that I wanted plus more. Not that I got every single wish, but I truly tasted and savored what life had to offer me over the past few months, and it feels amazing. There have been problems, and there have been some bad days and weeks, but overall, I had the loveliest summer I've had in a very long time.

With student teaching beginning, life is going to change once again. I know better than to say it will all get back to normal once it's over, because life has been in continual flux for years now, and this will only add to the likelihood of more change. There will be good days and bad ones. And I will draw upon the happy summer memories to make me smile on the rough days as I make my way through to the next phase. 

send me, thrill me, push me

Shannon, Texas

You do this thing to me
I can hardly explain
That southern sweetheart lilt
And the way that you pause
To let me ramble on
How it sends me, thrills me
Pushes me past the brink
And then I can not think
Because the only thing
Running through me right then
Is how much I miss you
And so want to kiss you
But then I stop myself
In that mad, mad moment
Allowing the beauty
The perfection of you
In the precious time shared
To heat my hidden soul
By the flame of our bright
Fiery adoring
Shared and exchanged by choice
Carried through in friendship
With a splash of something
More than could be foreseen
And still we let it grow
Tending this glad garden
With no way of knowing
Where it all might lead
Daring hope and belief
To prove these senses right
The happy full of fright
Sense that we belong here
In this space that we've made
Where we explore ideas
And each other with care
Careful to not trample
The seedlings of feeling
That sprang upon meeting
And have become so dear

it's all about choices

There is something perfectly wonderful about spending time with friends. Talking, laughing, crying, doing nothing, going to movies, exercising, eating, studying, anything. It's all so good.

Today was one of those wonderful days because I got to meet another social media friend. We went to the movies and she let me talk her ears off before and after, and to top it all off, we were both wearing purple. It was truly fulfilling to connect with her and feel like I have one more person rooting for me and wanting to spend time with me.

I never thought I would feel sensitive to whether or not people choose to spend time with me, but I do. Solitude is healing when I can slow down and relish it, but lately, after awhile, it only breeds anxiety that no one would want to be around me. I didn't realize how sensitive I had become until my divorce finalized six months ago. Suddenly, I felt every moment that people would set aside just for me and whether I get invited to things. My gratitude goes deep for the individuals who choose to use this precious thing called time with me.

On the flip side, I catch myself worrying at times that I'm not valued enough to be with. It is not a good place to be in, so I cast out the fear and doubt and move along. However, those negative thoughts flitting across the happy space I'm cultivating do more damage than I care to admit. Tears have been rumored to appear unannounced.

Days like today reaffirm to me that I have numerous women around me who care about my success, maintain happy marriages, and hope for me to find my forever someone. It was a heartening experience, and I am thankful I had the opportunity to spend my time so wisely.

the hum of hearts

The words you have written upon my heart
Cannot be scratched on any paper page
The memories you've etched upon my mind
Cannot be captured in a photograph
The happiness you have set at my feet
Will not be handed over easily
Your way has carved out a place within me

Kindness of spirit leaves permanent marks
Provides healing balm that fills all the cracks
While left unfinished with more to explore
The perfection that lies in all your flaws
Binds eternal wounds and writes a new song
That can be heard and seen and felt by us
Soothing hum of ethereal remnants