All Things Purple: 9/1/14

I need a hug, et cetera.

Not to sound trite, but I've got to find a way to laugh through these days of crushing pressure that seems to always be waiting for me.

The time is slipping through my fingers like a handful of sand on the beach. That's a good thing, but at the same time, I hardly have time to think and let anything settle in. To remedy this problem, I would really love to get going on hot yoga again. The relaxation and exercise benefits are amazing, so maybe I can squeeze it in for a few weeks. We'll have to see if I can just get the time to sign up!

Too much stuff to think about! School, children, solitary confinement, school, et cetera!

Dating pursuits have begun to complicate life. It's fun, and I want to get out and meet people, but it also hurts sometimes, and I don't want to hurt any more. I don't know what to think about how I might hurt someone else's heart. The dancing and meeting new people, trying new things—all of it has been so good. However, I don't want or need a boyfriend now.

And my friendships are getting all jumbled again. Did I mention that I need a hug?

never and always

A country road out in the heart of Texas

I am enough.
I am just enough to be loved
For my vibrant, wild spirit
And my adventurous, pure heart.
I am enough for undying friendship.
I am enough for being a trusted confidante.
I am more than enough to be appreciated
For my giving and pensive ways.
I am enough to be forgiven for all the
Silly and thoughtless things I do and say.
I am enough to be remembered
When times are tough, when love is sparse.
I have been enough to make a mark
On more than a few men's hearts.
I am enough to be loved to a large degree,
To be loved in no slight measure.

Nevertheless—
I just don't have enough of whatever it takes
For someone to look at me and say
You are so much that I can't look away.
Apparently, I do not comprise that substance
Persuading anyone to want to stay—forever.
In this moment in time, I reflect
On my life and loves
And I have never been quite precisely
Who anyone is seeking for a sense of completion.
I am endlessly told "you are enough"
And yet, I never have been.
I am everywhere and nowhere.
I have part and parcel of many hearts
But never the entirety of one.
It's never enough.
Who I am and what I bring
Is never quite enough.
I know no home, and I see that I never have.
I can't foresee how I ever will be
In fact
Enough,
And the grief settles in.

Because my hope won't leave me alone,
I continuously scan the unrelenting world
For love, acceptance, and knowledge.
Ever hoping I will be enough
For someone.
Stabbing myself in the heart
With everlasting hope
That somehow, someday, some way
There will be someone
Who will care enough
And want to do whatever it takes
To hold onto me and never let go.
It takes two. It always and must take two . . .

I stop myself in the midst of my damaging meditation
To acknowledge that, no matter what anyone might choose,
I have always been enough
And forever after I will continue to be.
I simply need to wait for him who can and wants to see
That I am worth every risk.
I am not just enough but worth everything.

affectionate dread

When you become mine, darling,
Then will I allow myself to say the things
That one should only confide in
The singular soul who already knows,
Without being told, some of those things.
Without words, without speaking,
To simply feel and know and need
The intoxicating imperfection
That has connected, even fused, with their own,
As they embrace the totality of it all,
Caressing the fine layers of their other self.
With a purposeful and careful hand,
The infinite beauty of this quest
For perfect truth on an island that we built
Overtakes my delicate senses, and I
Hardly know where to place the starting point
For the marathon began before we could know
That we were on the same threadbare path.
The winding, blinding, blurry, bemused byway
Has become a beloved, traveling home
We are able to carry with us as we
Keep to the daring journey—wherever it may lead.
We take steps and strides and dance a little dance
Until we smile and can hardly breathe—
Gasping for air because the pain of happiness
Takes time getting used to again—
Seizing the time required to know you also care
That you cherish this special realm
Of understanding and want to keep it safe from
The third-party poisons that threaten our
Stunning and unparalleled affections
Proves you are as true as (plus more than) I'd always thought
And I willingly hand over the last inch of trust
I was holding back for safekeeping
Inviting you to do with it as you will
Because I trust you.
I trust this unpaved, undecided,
And terrifically enchanting ascent
That we now share with trembling,
Happy, ravishing dread.

faith and prayers

From last slice to this one, I am seriously gaining confidence in my teaching abilities. There have been some mess ups and uber tough days, but I am no longer feeling like an impostor aka a major poser of a teacher.

My brain seems to only process what it can handle. I know this because as soon as I began to feel capable as a teacher, the other issues in my life began to make their way through the crowd. Well, actually, the timelines are just aligned perfectly in a sick sort of way and they are all approaching rapidly. The calendar has always been what it is. The mental strain of it all cannot be described properly. And I don't know how I will take care of everything all by myself and everything turn out as it should.

And that, my friends, is where my faith and prayers come in. I don't believe in sitting on my hands because I prayed, but I will tell you that when the deck is stacked the way it is right now—the only way I can succeed will be because of a faith-promoting miracle occurring. Hard work and determination can take you far, but it cannot accomplish the unaccomplishable.

And by the way, anyone who wants to lend me some prayers between now and December, especially through October, I will count you an angel. I need all the faith, prayers, and positivity that a person can get.

teacherly flash nonfiction

The third time's the charm, or so they say. The third week of school is upon me, but I had never felt like quitting more than I did this morning. Reason, a teacher, and a friend worked against the evil plot, and I went where I ought. The day began rough and ragged, but then, hope sprang forth, and I could see that maybe I'm not so much of a failure as I once had thought. There were no flowers strewn along the stage at the end of this trying day, but I saw a few smiles across students' faces, and maybe those were what I needed to stay the course. Each day, one at a time, I will breathe and pray and breathe some more, until I make it to the safe shore.