she smiles

To smile through tears
To smile through heartbreak and heartache
To smile with delight
To smile with deepening lines
To smile for others
To smile for their joy
To smile because of love
To smile because of faith
To smile when night falls
To smile when in glory she went home

To smile through the missing
To smile with pain gliding down your cheek
To smile for you because you should
To smile because the day will come
To smile together when by her side you again shall be


For mi cuñada.

maybe

maybe
she thought
maybe
I should give up
maybe
no one will ever see me
maybe
hope is hurting me too much
maybe
love is something I can't get but only give
maybe
the love I want won't ever make a home in me
maybe
there won't be anything left of me
maybe
I will grow too old
maybe
I want too much
maybe
I wish too hard
maybe
not
maybe
so

Seeking to Become - February 2016

"O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: because his mercy endureth for ever." Psalm 118: 1

I've been taking some time to ponder a few scriptures in Psalms that have caused me to feel my gratitude for what the Lord has done for me. My heart is broken with so many trials right now, so little peace and rest, and I am weary to be sure. However, my heart is gladdened with acknowledgment of how watched over and beloved I am as well.

This opposing emotions thing that I feel at the same time bothers me every so often. I feel like a freak. Why do I seem to always have conflicting emotions so strongly present? Why can't I just feel things a little more even keel? Be more watered down? And why always opposites at once?

I was having one of these moments just the other day while texting with a friend, even one of my dearest friends, and she told me that my "bi-polar emotions" are one of her favorite things about me. Her perspective on things provided a paradigm shift, which caused me to realize what is good about this supposed character flaw.

When things are bad and it is natural to feel terrible, I do, but there's something strange that my mind does—it turns funny. I begin to see the ridiculousness of things and make fun of the situation in any way that I can, and I laugh in the face of destruction somehow. My heart won't give up. I see hope in everything when others would give up.

This characteristic of mine has always bothered me until now; I saw a flaw where a quality was.

The way this ties in today for Seeking to Become is that I want to give glory to God for giving me the tools I need to find the joy he offers me. Each day has joy held within, and we just need to reach out and take it. For this month, I hope to see more clearly the mercy he offers me in who I am and the people around me showing me how to be. I am thankful for his loving guidance, for the spirit leading me to the people I love and who love me. I am thankful for who I am.

a slice of cough medicine

Things still aren't straight for me. This cough is hanging on like a death grip saving your life from falling off the ledge of a thirteen-storey building, and my energy level is buried somewhere out back under all the snow that won't be melting until sometime in the summer. I don't have a clue when I'll ever dig my way out. It all sounds so tiring as it is.

Someone come tell my body to perk up and at least pretend that it likes me. And while I'm thinking of it, I think somebody ought to volunteer for a birthday kiss with my birthday coming up soon. I don't think this is the best audience for that type of request, but maybe one of you knows somebody who knows somebody who wouldn't be afraid of the whole idea. I don't want to arrange something with any of the "local singles in my area" that I already see here and there. It's just not even something I'm up for right now. And it has to be a good kiss. None of that scratching my face off with razor sharp facial hair jazz. That's my one request in all this business.

I wouldn't even be saying/thinking/writing/feeling any of this if I weren't so, to quote myself, "tired of kissing people I don't love." And you know, I certainly shouldn't say much more than that. But I believe that is quite enough.

Now that I think of it, I probably should erase some of this stuff. Like, who even wants to know that I am still sick and don't even care if I get someone else (even a stranger!) sick for my birthday. It is disturbing even to me that I'd write these things out. But whatever. If this is as adventurous as I get under the circumstances, I think I'm doing alright.

And these are the things I think and write about while under the influence of cough medicine. Just call this the first installment of the cough medicine chronicles. Then you need to cross your fingers (and possibly your toes) that I never need to write another one of these "chronicles" again.

flexibility

It's amazing how becoming ill can change all of your plans. You are going along, making plans, doing your thing, working, taking care of your family, and carving out time for fun. And then something happens. You get sick. One degree off from your normal temperature, and all of a sudden the brakes are on and everything else is off!

If it were only the one degree, it wouldn't be so bad, but it was more than that; it was a few degrees for a few days, and with a few days off, nothing is the same. The entire pace is off, and plans are different, proving how life is one big improvisation if you do it right.

Flexibility from day to day while working toward big goals, big dreams, and happy things is essential for life. Fevers are not my favorite, but the stopping that it forced me to do helped me slow down and realize how many things are going right, and I also could see how many people I have in my corner. I am well loved, and that keeps me going. The improvisations we encounter are sometimes the best part of this life!