ready for battle

Not sure what to say right now. I got a massage after school, and I am downright relaxed. I have about a hundred or more papers to grade, but I needed to recharge. And it worked. My mind keeps wanting to drift to the same old stress, but I'm not letting it. Taking care of our bodies oftentimes helps us take care of our minds as well. I am mentally strengthened by the peace my body is enjoying. And right now it feels perfectly wonderful to let go of the worry and just relax.

Now if I can get all that grading done that's piled up before I want to bang my head against the wall, that will be the real miracle. 

jalopy

I've said this before, but right when I think I might be doing better, I realize its accuracy: I am a stalling out, backfiring, rusted out jalopy with nowhere to go but uphill—forever.

And this is the part where I wrote some pretty long paragraphs about how it sucks to be me but deleted it all because you know what? It does not suck to be me too, and every reason points to love.

Parental love. My children are part of my struggles, but it is not because they are crazy bad or anything. Those monkeys are wonderful. It's just a heavy load of work and care to tow alone. And it's not like I am simply alone. I actually have opposition pushing and pulling at me. So, I want to proclaim that each of my children give me happiness that has no price. They are why it does not suck to be me. They are the ones who make me a mother and leader of civilization. They teach me things that I could not learn any other way. I am a better me because of them.

Platonic love. Another thing that doesn't suck about being me is having so many friends who care about me and I care for. I seem to need an army of them, but an army is exactly what I have. A wonderfully supportive army. Too many times I've been pulled up into sunlight I couldn't see for myself by these people. And I am thankful for every single one of them.

Romantic love. That's a tricky one for me. I don't want to say too much, but if I'm to focus on what doesn't suck about my existence, this love must be included. For quite some time whenever my worries get the better of me,  I've reflected on how loving someone hurts and heals all at the same time and why I would even put myself out there. My conclusion is that I am thankful to have this love in my heart even if it may never be shared/reciprocated in the same way. I patiently (and some days not so patiently) hope to be loved as I know is warranted, but that love must be given freely or it is no gift. And I want a gift—even the entire package. So I hope on.

As I slow down to breathe and let go of the negative self talk, I can see how wonderful life is to have people surrounding me in my journey uphill forever in this perfectly imperfect vehicle called my life.

expectations

I have them.
I didn't mean to though.
At first, they crept into my heart.
But I let them stay for a good while.
Until they stayed long enough to change.
I used to expect something good out of each day.
And then I began to expect the worst because it was truth.
I relearned hope and happiness but to invest with little return.


So now, I do expect a few things:
I expect to love with my whole heart
And never be loved like that in return.
I expect to care until it hurts
And to wish I never did but I still will.
I expect to be solitary until my dying day
And never find not one person who will ever want to stay.

happy birthday

Birthdays are special. When babies are born. When children progress to the next milestone. When teenagers survive into adulthood. And—no matter what the haters might say—when adults mature into true adulthood and wisdom. 

Figuring out how to celebrate an upcoming birthday with a party, cake, surprises, and anything else possible is what happens around this place. It's like my mind has been in party planning mode since age eight. I just go from one special occasion to the next to the next. Sometimes there isn't a way or the means to do what my crazy brain gets to mapping out, but there are times when the stars align and surprises happen. 

Happy Birthday songs happen. Cake happens. 

And cake is good. "Let them eat cake" is a favorite quote . . . I wonder why. 

Today, I want to proclaim that I love birthdays. Mine and yours. Celebrating the miracle of our existence is wonderful. 

a slice a day keeps the quiet away

Today is March 1 and the first day I try to make this month-long writing challenge work its magic a little extra.

I've been struggling to keep up with life. On too many days, I get to the point that I can't even think straight, so I wrap up in a blanket and do next to nothing instead of all the stuff I ought to be doing. That said, I wonder how intelligent it is for me to keep up this writing challenge tradition.

I will tell you how and why it is intelligent.

If I don't write, I might lose myself to the quiet. If I drop one more thing that I enjoy, I might drop out of life. If I don't find healthy ways to cope with the stress in my life, I will enable unhealthy stress to destroy my happiness.

All of that might sound slippery slope-ish to you, but I'm telling you that I'm walking a thin line. And things are that black and white on many a day.

Today is the day I turn things around one slice at a time.