surrounded

Two uncles, my great-grandmother, paternal grandmother, a dear friend and co-worker, a cousin, a neighbor who has moved away since but a twice-survivor, my next door neighbor, a sister-in-law's mother, a special someone's father and his friend, maybe now a student of mine. 

I can't take anymore. I can take it, I guess, but I don't want to take it. I don't want to be surrounded by all this suffering. I don't want to feel like I'm being prepared to handle this hitting even closer to home. The tears are bitter enough as it is loving people so much and wondering what it all has to teach me and those around me. These tears have hardly stopped today. I can't seem to turn them off. 

But here's a tough thing—knowing that we are brought to know more about ourselves and life and love and God through suffering and comforting and loving people instead of closing ourselves off. 

That's why I'll have to take more. I'd rather cry bitter tears of worry and mourning than cut myself off from loving others as much as I do. Love makes it all worth it. Love and faith get me through when hope is challenged. Hope never really goes away with me, for it reminds me that heaven isn't so far away. Maybe I just needed to write all this out to remind myself of how much comfort I am able to give and receive daily. Possibly I only needed to remember that if I can have this much love, God has even more, and everything will be okay. 

Heaven is here within the hope, faith, and charity I hold onto despite being surrounded by this thing we call cancer. 

the perfect time

unfiltered perfect dusk with lines upon the sky

Slipped in between the morning and the night,

A whisper on the wind came into sight.

Taking its time and with wet upon our cheeks,

Time ran short even though days turned into weeks.

Lingering light and happy times rest upon all hearts,

As your eyes tell us things we need before you depart.

Just the right amount of time—pure perfection,

Teaching in the final moments—giving direction.

This sliver of a moment slipped out between morning and night,

A life remembered for friendship's sake, memory's delight.

Then when the moon shone full, your whisper fell silent in the night.

For C.T. Duncan, in memory of his friend 

X

what I need today

Sleep, with every sense of comfort available. 

Love, with all the stops pulled out. 

Care, from a full and generous heart. 

You, from afar to be brought near. 

That is what I need today. 

Word of the Year 2016: Accommodate

Word of the Year 2016

Making room for more of what I want and who I want in my life, cleaning up the mess, cleaning out the mess, becoming who I want to be… all of these thoughts have been easing their way into my thoughts over the past couple of months as 2015 began closing down shop and 2016 begged me for a word on which to focus.

I could not find my word even with all of these thoughts though since they are all phrases I couldn't seem to find a way to narrow down. There is really one situation that put me on the direct path to finding this word.

I had been beside myself upset about how things have been going for me personally; I was standing in my bedroom intermittently pacing and crying and talking to myself (sounds sorta nuts when I type it all out like this—don't mind me) and praying aloud to God, wondering and pondering and hurting, thinking about the love I have in me and feeling like I'll never get what I need. And then I felt the answer come to me and almost heard the words: you aren't ready to receive what you want. My tears immediately stopped because I knew it was true. I am not ready. I wish I were, but I'm not. After that realization, I began looking around me, literally. I looked at my bed and dresser and the piled up after-Christmas stuff that was in the middle of my floor, and I knew I didn't have room enough to receive the gift I want most.

That is when all of my thoughts about making room for more came into focus, but I still hadn't found a single word to tie it all in with. And then, I went to my trusty Merriam-Webster Dictionary online and did some searching and found this:

What a perfect word accommodate is for all that I have been pondering. It is an active, strong word that does something valuable. I have been in great need of accommodation for quite a few years in all facets of my life, and people have provided it. Some of those people I don't even know. But this year, I hope to find ways myself to provide room for what I need. That does not mean that I will get all prideful and stop appreciating or even needing others for support. What I do mean though is I want to make a concerted effort to see where there is no room for what I know will offer happiness and joy and do something about it. I want to have room to receive someone and something more.

Joyful was the Word of the Year for 2015, and I have to say that finding this year's word truly put 2015 into sharp focus. I did have a joyful year. Planning things, going places, getting myself out of my sad corner every time my children were gone. Life changed in many wonderful ways. However joyful it was, that does not mean I had a year devoid of sadness. My summer was depressing, and I could hardly snap out of it. I don't believe I truly came out of it until November when vacation plans rolled around. Even still, the pure joy of family, friends, and reaching goals could not be overshadowed by anything. The sun seemed to warm me extra to keep me from getting lost on those terrible days. I truly never lost my focus on becoming more joyful.

I found joy in my children, music, shopping, writing, talking, cultivating friendship, making financial goals, sleeping, making life happen in good ways, and more. So much more. I looked for joy in everything and everyone. And I found it and loved it, captured it, and savored every second that I had it in my grasp.

With the ability to see the joy that permeates my life, I know I will be able to accommodate space for what I need in my life throughout this year. It will be done purposefully and joyfully.





Highlights of becoming more joyful this past year:

Lucky Stuff

Marvelous

Simplicity

Joy Now

My Glad Garden

I Feel Joy

The Big Prize



Last Year: Joyful

knots

Forget-me-nots in eternal spring
Await budding until we breathe shared air
With a summer no longer so near
Pulling at this knot in my throat
And I am taught about exquisite love

Naught but patience as on a monument
Will get us through the path ahead
As we take time to gently untie our knotted hearts
Unraveling the threads of time and space
To knit them together into one
And hang on as we tie a knot in the end for strength
With not anything akin to an end for us

Together soon
To be together for now in all ways