happy with nowhere to hide

I do this funny thing lately where I worry that my happiness is too good to be true. If I have had a great day, I catch myself watching for what might have gone wrong but I was just too content to notice. I'm pretty sure this new negativity cannot be a good thing. It seems to squash a bit of my joy. The overthinking. The wondering. Was I being irritating? Am I being a jerk and I just can't tell? Why do I talk so much? Am I talking too much? How much is too much? Are people just putting up with my weird self? Oh my goodness, why can't/won't I stop thinking?

And so it goes.

I hate it. I need to figure out a way to combat this weakness of mine. There's no doubt this behavior is a by-product from the years of ill treatment, but I know that I have more confidence in me than this demonstrates. Positive self-talk has been helpful, but maybe I need to write the good things down that I try to recall so I can have them right there in my face when I am questioning what reality looks like. Writing things down always helps me, and maybe, just maybe, I will read what I write and remember that I am worthy of all the love and care and friendship others offer me.

I need to stop hiding from happiness.



20 comments:

  1. I think I can relate, though rather than feeling undeserving I feel more guilty and have a sense of impending doom. Things can't stay good for long, right? It's how I felt my first couple of months at BYU, the first few months of my marriage, and after we adopted Lorena. I think I've had a lack of disasters for long enough now that I can appreciate my good fortune and blessings without guilt or cynisim as much.

    I hope you have a nice long stretch of happiness so you can get there too. **hugs**

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    1. Your insight really helps me to see where I can get if I keep on keeping on. Thank you.

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  2. Oh you are not alone in this self talk. We thinkers do this to ourselves. Round and round we go. Feeling undeserving. Waiting for what we know must be just around the corner. Time to take a deep breath and say just for now I am happy. It is good and that is ok. You are deserving of every bit of happiness that rolls your way.

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    1. Sometimes it can be such a curse to be a thinker, right? Your advice to take a deep breath will be remembered in times of need. I appreciate it!

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  3. I'm right there with you, sister. But WHY?! I agree with above: we feel undeserving, or we've been told (or felt like we've been told) we don't deserve it. Hopefully we can all learn to ask our inner critic "Is this true?" in order to shut her up and just E.N.J.O.Y. Hopefully getting this out has gotten you a few steps closer to that...

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    1. You figured me out. I have to write to get things out and then I'm able to see more clearly. Plus with everyone's sharing here, I have been able to get more perspectives on the subject and I feel less alone.

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  4. The verb you use makes me think - why hide? When we hide, we are scared, don't want to be revealed. Are you scared to be happy because you fear it will be taken away? Such a powerful bit of thinking.

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    1. I very much fear that my happiness will be taken away—or that I might shove it away inadvertently in the process of getting through this healing process. Your words gave me the words for what I feel. Thank you.

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  5. After a very traumatizing experience, I started to do the same thing. But I think I was just trying to ward off the evil eye. Do you think you might subconsciously be doing the same thing?

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    1. That is probably the case. Thank you, Bernadette, for guiding me to see another aspect of this journey that I'm experiencing.

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  6. It's a challenge to just enjoy the moment. I'm there. Meditation/yoga might help. It was good for me.

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    1. I just started yoga yesterday! How fortunate!

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  7. I understand that through this writing you are figuring out your own solutions for your issue. I hope that you will find the secret of feeling happy without the need to hide and doubt.

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    1. I didn't have the words for what is that I do with this writing of mine, so I appreciate you finding them for me. When I write the solutions tend to come find me, like with all of these comments and what I've felt since writing. Thank you.

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  8. I find that when I feel that way if I write down my thoughts and my worries and then go find a silent place to calm my mind, it helps. With practice you can calm that busy mind of yours and just enjoy the peace, love and joy that you deserve!

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    1. This idea sounds like something I need to put into practice more often. I appreciate you taking time to share!

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  9. Love that last line - so many of us are guilty of this! Good for you that you recognize this and have a plan.

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  10. This one really spoke to me. I have often felt guilty for being happy in my life because my brother is in a situation that's often devoid of joviality.

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    1. Hopefully, by my sharing these words and if you read through what others have said, you too can find a way to walk away from guilt and embrace happiness. We can do it! Hiding is not what we are intended for. I just know it.

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