I have abandoned my love project for too long.
The reason I say this is because, instead of constantly reflecting on where I am in life in the now, I have been allowing myself to get caught up in wishing life to be different. Wishing doesn't make me happier though. I get to romanticizing my world, and it just isn't that word. There is nothing of the wonderful part of romance in my life. I have the dramatic and pining part down—the princess wishing for a rescue, but not the deep, abiding mutual care that is so essential. It's not even a good time for me for some miraculous rescue to happen. I wouldn't know how to trust anyone just yet and knowing this about myself hurts. But it is the truth. It is real.
I don't know if I'm making any sense whatsoever, but I just want you to know that I am feeling my lack of romantic love quite keenly, even feeling quite alone and pitiful, and I want to stop wishing for this elusive and possibly non-existent for me aspect of human existence.
The realization that I was in a mess came as I tortured myself with the lovely film Young Victoria (2009). The accuracy of much of it coupled with the stunning costuming and amazing lines provided me with the perfect storm. I actually got to crying so sloppily over all this stuff that I had mascara streaming down my face as if I were playing in some ridiculous, sappy chick flick after the main character gets dumped or something. My lack of grounding myself in reality hit hard, and I am left here writing in an attempt to make sense of why I cried out loud into the dark night at a movie that cannot give me answers.
Here is the song that broke me down. It says everything I wish to find and enjoy one day. if ever.
I realize that some of you might want to tell me things like It will get better; You are loved already; or even You will find someone when the time is right, but please don't. I've heard them all. I believe them at least a little bit too. But I just can't hear it right now. It won't help. It's not happening now, so I think it will be better for me, healthier, to stop looking that far ahead. I need to recognize now and let that sink in enough, so I can start breathing again.