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This Phoenix Speaks

Seven years in the making, my first published book, This Phoenix Speaks , is now a reality. The tireless and tiring work invested to ma...

looking too far ahead

I have abandoned my love project for too long.

The reason I say this is because, instead of constantly reflecting on where I am in life in the now, I have been allowing myself to get caught up in wishing life to be different. Wishing doesn't make me happier though. I get to romanticizing my world, and it just isn't that word. There is nothing of the wonderful part of romance in my life. I have the dramatic and pining part down—the princess wishing for a rescue, but not the deep, abiding mutual care that is so essential. It's not even a good time for me for some miraculous rescue to happen. I wouldn't know how to trust anyone just yet and knowing this about myself hurts. But it is the truth. It is real.

I don't know if I'm making any sense whatsoever, but I just want you to know that I am feeling my lack of romantic love quite keenly, even feeling quite alone and pitiful, and I want to stop wishing for this elusive and possibly non-existent for me aspect of human existence.

The realization that I was in a mess came as I tortured myself with the lovely film Young Victoria (2009). The accuracy of much of it coupled with the stunning costuming and amazing lines provided me with the perfect storm. I actually got to crying so sloppily over all this stuff that I had mascara streaming down my face as if I were playing in some ridiculous, sappy chick flick after the main character gets dumped or something. My lack of grounding myself in reality hit hard, and I am left here writing in an attempt to make sense of why I cried out loud into the dark night at a movie that cannot give me answers.

Here is the song that broke me down. It says everything I wish to find and enjoy one day. if ever.

I realize that some of you might want to tell me things like It will get better; You are loved already; or even You will find someone when the time is right, but please don't. I've heard them all. I believe them at least a little bit too. But I just can't hear it right now. It won't help. It's not happening now, so I think it will be better for me, healthier, to stop looking that far ahead. I need to recognize now and let that sink in enough, so I can start breathing again.


  1. I am not going to tell you ANY of those things. I AM going to tell you that Life is not a soap opera, and Love is not just a feeling. Love is work. Love is knowing. Love is truly caring. Love is what YOU do, NOT what someone does for you. It is doing for someone without the expectation of ANYTHING in return. Show people you love them. Do some "Love" today. You will fill that empty spot. I know.

    1. Please don't take this as mean...as I read it over now, it could be said with the wrong emotional tone...it is meant with love and understanding from where you are coming from, yet knowing where you need to take it and how to fill that empty spot with something other than what we think we need!

  2. First of all, thank you for your words. I need to be reminded of all those things. Secondly, I never would have thought those words were mean. If someone is taking time to give advice like that, it must be from a place of love. At least that's how I see it. <3

  3. Some of us know how those tears feel. Sometimes we just have to cry, even when we are telling ourselves it doesn't make sense, that we need to get grounded in reality. I think, though, we need the dreams, too. Long years since my husband passed away, I still have days of "Where did my REAL life go?" and there are also days of "Why isn't there someone new?" There are also days of treasuring what I have RIGHT NOW, knowing it is as REAL as the past I loved or the future I wish for. Tears and smiles, both are part of me, part of life.


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