go big or go home

Falling in love, no matter how slowly it may occur, is wonderful, exciting, delightful—and scary. When I was a young girl, I never would have believed my future self that love could be fear inducing; alas, here we are. And the fear is very real. It is as real as the wonder, excitement, and delight that are overwhelming my life at the moment.

What could I be afraid of is one of the big questions hanging heavily in my heart. There are so many things: heartbreak being the umbrella under which every single tiny, paranoid or well grounded, fear falls. Heartbreak is not new to me. I've known it since I was a very young girl, a child. Loss, abuse, disappointment. Then, I grew into a teenager and loved a few boys too much. As a young woman, I chose someone to make a life with, and, well, we shall just say it ended badly, very badly. This brings us up to this point, even a true point of no return to be completely honest. Maybe I should have been more afraid, but I wasn't, so here I am balancing fear of falling too much further and fear of not having what my heart is beckoning me toward.

Balance like this cannot be sustained for long though. Choices, little choices, big choices, even choices that aren't my own will lead me in one direction eventually. Quite possibly that last bit is what has me the most afraid. But I will add that I strive to not allow fear to rule my world. I have been searching my soul, and I know I will be not be content with offering half a heart. I would always wonder if fear kept me from blessings and joy.

Reader, I must admit to you that I am leaning in one direction. The best direction, if you ask me. I am bold and decisive (except about food at restaurants), and I simply cannot resist listening to my heart that keeps cheering me on with little, persistent whispers of go big or go home.

progress

Redefining what tastes good to me is one of my challenges in life.

I grew up eating whatever I want. My parents rarely, if ever, limited our sugar intake, and I have been known to refer endearingly to candy as Vitamin C. That all said, growing up (and older) is necessitating that I change if I don't want to die of heart disease and diabetes and other overindulgence-in-sugar related diseases.

What I'm striving toward is balance. I enjoy treats, so instead of going cold turkey, I keep my mind open to try to new things and get a new take on old things I already know I like—such as doughnuts.

Don't get me wrong. I still will eat a real doughnut, but I got this mini doughnut pan to see if we could get creative at home and do some replacing with healthier options. For example, I made banana bread doughnuts the other day. My banana bread recipe is reduced sugar, and it has whole wheat too.

That's just one of my adjustments. And maybe it doesn't seem like much to you. But I am proud of myself for working to change my palette. I think it's helped me to better appreciate when I do have a legit treat. And that's a serious win.

her heart

Baking—hot bread with soft butter,
Pumpkin cookies all the year round;
That's what her heart is made of.

Kindness and gift giving,
A pat on the leg while driving, the seeker of every fun thing;
That's what her heart is made of.

Music—in its many forms,
Singing, playing piano and organ, listening and singing along;
That's what her heart is made of.

Understanding and mental health days,
A trip to the movies or to get something sweet;
That's what her heart is made of.

Laughter—loud and fantastical,
Enjoying highbrow humor and sharing her incredible wit;
That's what her heart is made of.

Loving and holding her breath,
A staunch supporter of family, who flies from the sidelines;
That's what her heart is made of.

Believing—a spiritual titan,
Stalwart and true, beautiful and renewed;
That's what her heart is made of.





For my dear mother.
Sixteen years of missing you.
Til we meet again.

battle axe dreams

Not sure about you, but sometimes, you just need a balloon battle axe to make your day go right.

Yes, it is ineffective at chopping anything up—like, literally, it will chop nothing at all except air. But what it is highly effective at destroying is a bad mood. Maybe that is the key to my son reaching his dreams of being a carnival worker.

Each of my children have gifts and talents that make our family life wonderful. My oldest daughter knows no guile and is so adorably sweet. My oldest son has a real knack for getting people to laugh and smile and make enjoyable, good discussion even on heavy topics. His taste in 70s Rock is trying my patience though. My youngest daughter is able to see when anyone is sad or tired and help out. She's also a really good note writer. These notes I speak of are legendary ever since she could write at all. I've tried to save them all, so she can see what a gift she is. And my youngest, he has lots of talents too, but the one I want to share is his love of balloon art.

This kid told me the other day that when he grows up, he wants to be wealthy. His plan is to "own properties and be a plumber or something useful like that and hire someone to be the CEO of [his] company, so [he] can be a carnival clown and do balloon animals." That's some big goals right there. Not sure how they will all jive together, but to have such uniquely specific goals is something none of my other children have ever voiced to me. And I can't help but hope he achieves them.

I often scroll through my photos and look at that battle axe he made and can't help but hope.

music love

Music can say things we don't have the words for. It sets or changes the mood. Music can heal and lift and bless others when we share it. One regret I have is that I am not more of a musician.

My mother was a musician to the core. She sang, played piano and organ, and had impeccable taste in  many styles of music. She set the standard to which I could never rise.

I guess I could have, but with the opportunities I had (and didn't have) growing up, coupled with my life challenges, it just didn't work out. I am sure if we had money for private lessons and my mom didn't have to go to work when I was young, I could have reached a lot more musical dreams.

Instead, I throw myself into finding great music to listen to and share with others. Since the 80s, I've been making mixed tapes, burning CDs, and creating playlists for myself and others. It's down to an art form if you ask me. You could also ask any of my friends or old boyfriends who received such delights, and they would attest to the amazingness of this bizarre musical talent.

I might not be a great singer or pianist, but I do have a deep love of music, and that is all that matters.