go big or go home

Falling in love, no matter how slowly it may occur, is wonderful, exciting, delightful—and scary. When I was a young girl, I never would have believed my future self that love could be fear inducing; alas, here we are. And the fear is very real. It is as real as the wonder, excitement, and delight that are overwhelming my life at the moment.

What could I be afraid of is one of the big questions hanging heavily in my heart. There are so many things: heartbreak being the umbrella under which every single tiny, paranoid or well grounded, fear falls. Heartbreak is not new to me. I've known it since I was a very young girl, a child. Loss, abuse, disappointment. Then, I grew into a teenager and loved a few boys too much. As a young woman, I chose someone to make a life with, and, well, we shall just say it ended badly, very badly. This brings us up to this point, even a true point of no return to be completely honest. Maybe I should have been more afraid, but I wasn't, so here I am balancing fear of falling too much further and fear of not having what my heart is beckoning me toward.

Balance like this cannot be sustained for long though. Choices, little choices, big choices, even choices that aren't my own will lead me in one direction eventually. Quite possibly that last bit is what has me the most afraid. But I will add that I strive to not allow fear to rule my world. I have been searching my soul, and I know I will be not be content with offering half a heart. I would always wonder if fear kept me from blessings and joy.

Reader, I must admit to you that I am leaning in one direction. The best direction, if you ask me. I am bold and decisive (except about food at restaurants), and I simply cannot resist listening to my heart that keeps cheering me on with little, persistent whispers of go big or go home.