who I am

Someone gave me some advice the other day, and I haven't been able to forget it. They prompted me to be sure to remember who I am and not let my dream define me. I keep wondering what does that really mean. What defines a person? Who am I if I am not my dreams?

I am an eternal being of divine and infinite worth. I am deadly serious and hilarious. I am a perfectionist and imperfect. I am obsessed with purple and love all colors. I love hard and with tenderness. I am vivacious and irritating. I am a realist and a hopeful dreamer. Because I believe all of these to be true, I also believe that my dreams lead me to fulfill my divine role in existence.

No, I am not worth less if I don't get every single wish checked off my list. No, I am not worth less if a man on this earth never steps up. However, my good and worthy goals and hopes and dreams and even wishes, all, make up my path, and my path is part of me. I believe my path is a map of who I am and who I am becoming. You can learn a great deal about a person, who they are, by the things they dream about—the things they want in their life—what they want their life to look like.

What else can we use to know who we are? I wonder.

helpers

When I look around me, I am in awe of how much care has gone into making sure I feel supported in my life. I have felt alone just like anyone else, but there seems to be something or someone there to help me get through or show me the way every time I turn around. The consistency of it all feels like a miracle sometimes.

I wonder if there are things like this in everyone's lives. Do you ever feel like someone did something in the past that helped your future self? Do you ever feel like your past self did something specifically that helped your future self through a problem or issue? Stuff like this has me wondering how much we make a difference in each other's lives. I think about how our mark on the world changes and helps others into the generations.

I've been working to connect with my family history, and it has opened up my heart to people I have never even heard of until I began connecting the generations on my family tree. I see how much sacrifice was made for me to have the life I have today. It is inspiring and exciting to think about.

Do you have anyone in your family tree who you feel did something for you to help you?

Food for lots of thought.

my big dream

Where do we put our dreams when life gets at us? I know I put mine on the back burner before I'll bury any of them. I do wonder if I've buried any of my dreams. As I try to think of something I've given up on, I don't know if I've really given up on anything except for only being married once, but that wasn't entirely of my choosing. So I edited that dream to only marrying once more. If I can't get it right (well, pick someone who will stick around and try to get it right with me), I don't think I want to keep on trying more than one more time. But you know what dream hasn't changed even through every breakup I've ever gone through including the biggest one? I have never given up on being truly and fully beloved by a man. I know the quality of my love is worthy of it, so I just need someone to step up to the plate and make my wildest dreams come true. And in return, we all know I'll be sure to one up him and make all his wildest dreams come true plus more. I'm just that much of an overachiever.

not sure what to write

I am trying to think of something to write, and I am at a loss. Seriously, a loss. I went through my photographs to prompt some memories that I could focus on to slice about, and I feel no inspiration at all. But then I saw this one, and I thought I might take a moment to express the love I have for my family. I have so much going on right now, and I have so many people I miss right now. Yet if I take a minute to ponder the beauty of holier things, I am comforted. Isn't life absolutely breathtaking? All the problems and trouble and joys and beauty. All of it takes our collective breath away in one way or another. As I look on this photo, I am reminded of my roots and all the people who love me. My roots in Las Vegas and trips to St. George and fried chicken. Yes, I said fried chicken. We used to get KFC on the way back home when we'd take a trip through St. George. It was so good. Such good times with my family. Family is everything.

While I started off not knowing what to write, I've written a whole lot of disjointed thoughts, but I wrote, so I am happy. I went down so many happy memory lanes all in one short slice.

so thankful

That's me. Sideways.

Follow up from yesterday's slice…

All looks well. The doctor said it looks to be an infection, and it should all go away within three weeks. If it doesn't, we will do a biopsy then.

But seriously did you hear that part about it most likely not being cancer?

I had made myself so sick with worry.  Don't get me wrong. I kept myself very busy with work, and I said my prayers, and everything. But my brain is working overtime when there's any problem, so my subconscious was cranking out the heartburn like a champ. I was sure I would throw up if I got bad news.

The moment we left the doctor's office, I felt a weight lifting from me, and then we stopped by Costco of all random places to catch up with my friend before he had to go to work, and I got a few good hugs in, etc. and felt even more relief after that.

At this point, I am feeling the strain of the day, and I could sleep for like a week if it were possible. But this is just so wonderful to have such good news, and I am so thankful, so very thankful.

I appreciate everyone who had their breath held and prayers said in our behalf. I am so thankful for you too. Your kind words helped me get through this day more than you know.