forgiveness

I've never considered myself a grudge holder until I watched this one TED talk, Why Forgiveness Is Worth It. With each minute that passed as I listened to what Sarah Montana had to say, I recognized in myself a need to change.

Lately, my contemplations have been focused on what am I doing that adds to the negativity in my life and how can I turn that around and be more positive. It has been a difficult exercise, looking at my contributions to the bad aspects of family and professional life. Yet in wanting to be more humble, this exercise has been just that—very humbling. I had never been able to see how I add to the struggle in particular situations. And I believe a big part of this fault is that I might think I let go and forgive, but in actuality, I am hanging onto small threads of anger and/or disappointment that ruin my new interactions in small (and sometimes big) ways. Montana said near the end of her talk, "Real forgiveness has to let go of all expectations." I consider some of those negative threads as my false expectations that need to be set free, so I can find the confidence I am lacking to move ahead with positivity.

The key to rooting out these damaging threads will be to search for ways to more fully forgive and heal and truly let go of the hurt. I'm not just talking about the hurt caused by others either. I am talking about learning to forgive myself better and let myself be the good person that I know I am. I bring up my past faults and mistakes too often to honestly say I have forgiven myself. Once I practice this for myself, I believe I will be able to more freely let go of the damage from others as I go off the idea that we are our own worst critics.

Being a dreamer and goal setter and get out there and get what you want type, I can see more clearly that forgiveness will be how I am able to more fully live the life I have imagined.  I want love to motivate and drive my thoughts, words, and actions, and it begins with clearing out the pain and letting myself be free to love myself and others unfettered by the past.

fresh water

I awoke early this morning, took a shower in the calm quiet that exists only when children are sleeping, and I had a thought: I am thankful for fresh, clean water.

Not only does this fresh, clean water exist for me, it comes out of the tap and shower-head on demand. Not all people in the world know this luxury. It is something I don't want to take for granted either. I am able to wake when I choose and get a drink, clean my body, clean my clothes, and many other tasks. It is such a modern convenience but such a blessing and even a small miracle.

I think about the quality of life this one simple blessing provides, and I am filled with gratitude for my life. I live a clean and happier existence because I live where there is fresh water teeming through the pipes under the streets and leading directly into my home for our use. Water makes all the difference really, and I am truly thankful for it.

radio silence

Lyrics and a melody, a song of a lifetime, meant for someone.
Who knows who really, but I connect with it.
And I want to hear more. I want our whole story, baby,
Written out like a song, one that keeps humming in the background.
I want to see how far two people can go
On love and trust and a lifetime of nice words
In a song that won't stop even when playing in separate directions.
The radio's buzz warms the blood, baby, keeps a girl going.

Remember, there's always time for one more slow song.
You keep pressing play on the mix tape, pulling me into your sweet heart.
When did we learn each other's song I wonder at the time gone by.
It feels like always yet a blink, forever all in one breath.
Don't let this love go quiet into the night.
Don't let the radio go silent.

disconnected

unknown source

Not sure what broke, but I am definitely feeling changed by it. If you normally read my blog, you'll notice that my writing slowed down, and I haven't written but a few times over the past three months, and I am feeling strained to write even now. The worst part of it all is that I began a book manuscript, wrote a ton and with great enthusiasm, then lost my fire. It feels pretty snuffed out actually. Honestly, I do not know why I am even writing this out as I am disconnected from my once driven sense to write and recall and capture. I do not feel like myself.

The thought that keeps coming to me is that my sense of self is changing. Maybe the events of the past year or so stamped into me some things that eventually have changed me into someone I don't understand again. Writing usually helps me to understand change, but I have been taking time to be alone and be quiet instead. My brain doesn't seem to process things the way it used to even, and it concerns me. So you know, I have been consulting with my doctor about this post-concussion existence, so don't worry about that. I just don't like this version of different that I am experiencing. I don't feel like I am processing my most recent heartbreak properly because of the way my brain works lately.

I'm working on being patient with myself and others, connecting more with my word of the year humility, and taking care of myself, so I can feel better and find a sense of normalcy again. There are times when I just cancel everything I can and stay home, so I can slow down and recognize that I need to take time to heal.

I don't even know. Maybe this is a weird slice that shouldn't even be written, but as I very much want to keep on trying, I will let it stand. I miss connecting with all of you. Hopefully, I will find some more words to share soon.

we climb

Where we stand keeps on moving as we move our feet toward forever.
We climb and run and fall and climb again once more,
Always transforming, although somehow always remain together,
The journey making us breathless until we cannot move anymore.

Challenging paths parallel to one another, seeing the other across the way
Calling out to one another to help and lift and bless.
Picking up where we left off since the last time we could spend the day
Walking alongside each other, again, our lifelong caress.

I climb; You climb.
I fall; You fall.
Friendship sublime.
Love's wherewithal.

Planting my feet where I stand, I take your part of my heart off my sleeve
And hand it over willingly to be held and carried, cherished
Or buried forever on this wayside, this chance meeting of belief
In love, this love, our love, that somehow it cannot fail, will not perish.

Keep moving toward forever with me along the ridges and rises
Through the torrents and trenches as we climb our way out to blue skies
Take my hand in yours and let your heart rest in mine where it needs
To be, where it belongs and always, forever, into eternity will lead.