Seeking to Become - July 2016

I'm sitting here waiting for my children to be ready for church, wondering how much I'll get written in conjunction with how much of the meeting I will miss. And I have decided to cherish the moment instead of being frustrated by it.

There will be time enough to get myself to church on time when everyone is grown and gone. I don't especially love that I will most likely be missing out on partaking of the sacrament once again; however, I do love that my children and I go to church. We need to know that we belong somewhere—that there is a plan—that our family is eternal. And even when we fail in the moment, we are not failing in the long run.

I wrote those first two paragraphs, and then made it to church late, but with a grateful attitude. I'm glad I thought to take some time to reflect and breathe.

So about the challenge this month. I've been searching out the perfect scripture passage to focus on, and I never did nail one down, which means I need to choose one of the several I've been studying before I can keep writing…

And here we go:

"He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much." Luke 16:10

This scripture is a specific how-to-be type of scripture. It's so direct while teaching a larger lesson. I have pondered its deeper application for a few weeks now, and I would like to apply it to my life more fully today and throughout the coming month. I think it applies today to my perspective shift about being late for church so often lately. If I'm to become more like the Savior, I must keep the faith that everything will work out and be joyful as I keep the faith. I need to have charity and love with my family and friends and even strangers—no matter how much it challenges me to do so.

This month will be a time to recognize where the smallest seeds of faith lie and how great they are, and time will be given to search out the injustices in my heart and learn to be more kind and understanding of others.

domino dancing

There is something to be said for how the dominos tumble on any given day. Some days, it's magical how it all comes together with seeming ease. And then there are days and weeks when nothing goes right and it's all a mess and there's no way out. Pure chaos no matter what you do.

Times like the latter are when I'm at my closest to not making it.

The past weeks, maybe months and years (who really knows until like twenty years from now, right?), have been chock full of mishaps, miscommunications, missed appointments, missing people, missing out, and the list could go on. It feels like there's no way out of this mess. Like the dominos have been set into motion to pin me down.

But then hope sets me free from the game. I don't quite know how I can keep going at this rate, but I do. And I continue to find strength, energy, and even enthusiasm for this life of mine. All this talk though is reminding me that I haven't gone dancing in far too long, and maybe that's what's the matter.

in the stratosphere

Hearts and hands reaching out
Beating in time across the miles.

Darling, you can't have it all.
No matter how much you wish it,
You can't be best friends with the world.

Watered down friendship
Has its place and purpose,
But watered down and spread thin
Never has been nor ever will be best.

The air is thin up here
In the stratosphere
Of your heart
Shifting from warm to cold
Then back again where I belong.

Holding my breath as I share
Space to love you completely
Suffocation setting in
Because there's only oxygen
Enough for one
No matter what you might believe.

Writing these words to share
Set a place for you to reach
Completely without fear
Because there is no doubt
Love binds our hearts
No matter what

The space we've made
In this busy world
Line by line in careful prose
Lain out and stretched
To lessen the unkind miles

Acknowledged imperfection
Has its place and purpose,
But it never stopped this heart
From loving, and it goes on undeterred.

Sweetheart, I can't have it all.
No matter how much I want it,
I can't be in two places at once.

Offer me your hand
That I might know that I belong.

keep writing

Completely unaware of who wrote this, I am wishing I knew the source to thank! Furthermore, I don't know how I could have missed it outside of being absolutely overburdened last fall.

Today, I'd like to thank this person for writing something so perfectly specific in description and with such kindness. Some days, I wonder why I share so much, why I write with my heart upon my sleeve on fire in a pressure cooker, and then I find a comment like this as well as others that tell me why.

I write because it does lessen my burdens somehow. I do not have someone to hold me at night and it gets to me sometimes, but knowing that there are others who are comforted by the words I write, the tears don't seem as harsh.

I write because it pleases me to connect with people on all levels. And I'm thankful, so very thankful, to have a "fan base" who comes back for more and takes time to share my work and encourages me to carry on.

inside

Stolen breath, stolen words
Rug taken right out from under
What is tenderhearted friendship worth
The price to pay is watching from afar
The one you love putting up a wall
A wall that won't be scaled for anything
Except perchance love makes its way

silence

a mess

Silence is a funny thing. It creates space yet invites noise. It invites the mind to fill the space, and then next thing you know, you've got noise again—crowding out the quiet.

At least that's how my mind works.

I wish it weren't so, but that is the truth.

As I pondered what to write all the week long (after realizing I missed writing last week), I had many ideas. But I didn't take the time to write any of them down; therefore, they are gone. I lost them to the noise or maybe the silence. I'm not quite sure which is to blame. I have too much going on right now to even worry about which one.

All I know is I dropped the ball on one of my favorite things to do, and here I am wanting to write something worthwhile, and all I have are these abstractions to ponder and let sink in so deep that maybe writing them down makes them worthwhile for my future self—reminding her that nobody is perfect and everything will all work out somehow. Just like this slice.

come

Come closer, darling, you. 

This heart can't rest until you do. 

Each passing day, even by the hour, 

She survives again and again

Without fail, without you. 

You are not needed to merely make it, 

Yet you are wanted—

Wanted for your love,

Wanted for your differences,

Wanted for the way that you are,

Wanted for the ways that you are not.

Come near, sweet, you. 

This life holds less savor

Without the brightness you bring.

She is warmed every day

With the fire within her heart, 

But sunshine never looked so good

As when reflected off your countenance—

Your kind smile,

Your humble stance,

Your knowing eyes,

Your way of seeing to her heart. 

Set aside the worry and the world, 

And come be with me, my friend and confidante.