Ramblings On Writing

I allow myself to write the dream or nightmare versions of my reality, whichever more aptly reflects my own perception. I believe there are many truths and that they come to us in layers we experience as we are able to handle them. Whether in the depths of sadness or the heights of happiness, I let myself feel everything I ever could in a situation even if I cannot act on it. I'm not sure how mentally healthy this practice is but I find my words this way. This happens often while writing poetry; however, you must know there is always an element of truth in the words I let slip past my pen. Not necessarily factual truth, but wishful, hopeful, or fantastical notions of truth--what could be if that reality were reality. 

Every once in awhile I wonder if the words I write hurt or help those with whom they converse. Do my words get good thinking going or do people just become ponderous and depressed? Most of what I receive is positive praise, yet I am left wondering--who came, read, and walked away with displeasure but didn't want to take the time to say anything? Now that is just overthinking things. I really must stop doing that. 

So anyways. It means the world to me that what I write has found a vehicle in which to explore the world and for the world to come for a visit. 

Fighting to Breathe

Ready to get on the gloves
Working toward something special
Something so lovely it could be fragile
This elusive journey of love
Taking me through life
Living for a glimpse of it
Risking my heart as payment
There is always a price
Conditioning for a chance to win
Handing over the future
As I enter the ring
Looking back--
I have always been a winner
Always able to get through the count
With the wind knocked out of me
I am fighting to breathe
Ready for another round

I shall overcome.

We're gonna party like it's 1999...

My van reached a huge milestone this past weekend. It hit the 199,999 mark, so it needs to be celebrated. Most people I have talked with feel worried for my van's mortal existence at this point, but I want to recognize how blessed my family has been by having such a good, reliable vehicle to get us around.

It has been with us since Monkey #3 was a baby, moved us and a few other families, hauled rock a couple times (don't ask), been to the drive-in, gone up and around its fair share of canyons and mountains for drives and camping trips, taken us on numerous trips including Disneyland, and most importantly, carted us all around town for groceries, healthcare visits, and the all important late night treat run.

I am truly grateful to have a good, running vehicle. Every single mile before and after this is a blessing from heaven, and I refuse to mourn its loss until I must. 

related link:

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

not ready but waiting

A few weeks ago, a friend said something quite profound to me.

We were discussing how ever-increasingly difficult life has been since my marriage began to fall apart several years ago and how it all seems terribly endless. I allowed myself to open up, talking about some of my inner thoughts. I cried (quite unabashedly, I might add, which makes me feel embarrassed just to think about). I recognized my desire for healthy companionship, someone to really love me. And that is when he said the difficult yet real things:

You wouldn't want that someone to be here right now. Things are a mess. You're not ready. You wouldn't want that person to have to deal with this.

It made me pause to think. The truth of it all sunk in deeply almost instantly, and I continue to ponder on how things are a mess and how I am not ready to give my whole self to someone else. I can wish I would be able to handle it already, but it just isn't so.

There is a great deal more I need to do before the time will be right. The divorce is still dragging on for one thing. That is pretty much the big hang up. Limbo looks and feels like hell at the moment. I can hardly keep my chin up for more than a day or two in a row with all the indecision and negativity surrounding the situation.

I have to admit this loneliness is pervasive. I didn't count on it, and so I have been forced to recognize how much I adore companionship. I don't necessarily want or need something serious right now, but I hope someone will find me when the time is right and that I might make some beautiful friendships along the way.

One thing I know for sure—my friend was right. I don't want my someone to deal with this. I care about whoever he is too much already to want him here sooner than when things will be able to work out—whenever that may be.

Awesome Autism Blog

As a blogger and parent of children with disabilities (ADHD counts even if the federal government won't offer services for it), I currently follow several blogs concerning the daily challenges faced by parents of intellectually disabled children. I address special needs issues from time to time on my own blog as well. So, since I am immersed in this SpEd world, I want to share some of my insights gleaned from a particular blog: Yeah. Good Times.

I wouldn’t normally read a blog so faithfully that has such heavy doses of swearing, etc. throughout its pages, but this mom has a way about her that is endearing. I came to be acquainted with Jill through Twitter and it was all over from there. Her honest wit charmed me.

First and foremost, Jill is a great example of advocacy and loving the child no matter what—even when it was just said (wrote on a blog for the world to read) how much a behavior and all its entails might drive her mad.  I have learned a great deal about what it means to step up to the advocacy plate that I did not realize people have had to go through. Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of messed up situations to deal with, but I only had my experiences from which to draw until meeting up with Ms. Jill.

My perspective has also been enlightened on what I have tolerated but probably should not; hence, I have changed my stance on when and when not to say something to those who obviously do not have children with a disability.  Along with parental discernment, more than once her words have guided me to understand some of the teaching concepts I am learning as an educator. I believe I will be a more capable general education teacher because of how she has enriched my views and understanding of what parents go through each day to help their child feel successful in the school environment. 

Her unfettered display of humanity provides a sense of community for which I am grateful. Being a parent of children with special needs can be challenging because we get feeling so alone and isolated unless we find/create a circle of support. I have joined in her online community a few times, and when I had a rough spot (Heartbreak Hotel: Lunchroom Edition), she put the word out and her community came to me. I felt so blessed in my misery. Her taking that bit of time to share my words caused a wave of encouragement that continues on.

By reading blogs, such as Yeah. Good Times., I have been able to raise my level of awareness when I didn’t think I could raise it any higher. 

Pro Tip:
If swearing and drunkenness is offensive to you, just scan past those parts like I do and you still get all the benefits of her wit and wisdom. She is decidedly worth it.