not ready but waiting

A few weeks ago, a friend said something quite profound to me.

We were discussing how ever-increasingly difficult life has been since my marriage began to fall apart several years ago and how it all seems terribly endless. I allowed myself to open up, talking about some of my inner thoughts. I cried (quite unabashedly, I might add, which makes me feel embarrassed just to think about). I recognized my desire for healthy companionship, someone to really love me. And that is when he said the difficult yet real things:

You wouldn't want that someone to be here right now. Things are a mess. You're not ready. You wouldn't want that person to have to deal with this.

It made me pause to think. The truth of it all sunk in deeply almost instantly, and I continue to ponder on how things are a mess and how I am not ready to give my whole self to someone else. I can wish I would be able to handle it already, but it just isn't so.

There is a great deal more I need to do before the time will be right. The divorce is still dragging on for one thing. That is pretty much the big hang up. Limbo looks and feels like hell at the moment. I can hardly keep my chin up for more than a day or two in a row with all the indecision and negativity surrounding the situation.

I have to admit this loneliness is pervasive. I didn't count on it, and so I have been forced to recognize how much I adore companionship. I don't necessarily want or need something serious right now, but I hope someone will find me when the time is right and that I might make some beautiful friendships along the way.

One thing I know for sure—my friend was right. I don't want my someone to deal with this. I care about whoever he is too much already to want him here sooner than when things will be able to work out—whenever that may be.