friends forever

Have you ever received a gift that got you thinking about the real gifts in your life? When I got a custom-made mug in the mail, I sat there crying as I held it in my hands because the realization of what I have, a 30-year friendship, is the gift. The mug just stands as a manifestation of the bond of love we share.

Looking back on all the times my BFF Forever (my term of endearment that began with irony but has stuck) has been there for me, my breath is taken away. She has been with me in one way or another through every heartbreak I've ever experienced. It causes me to wonder if she signed up to be one of my guides before we came to this earth. I don't believe in coincidences, so it must be the case. She's just always there.

That thought then causes me to wonder how I'll survive without her. I can't even imagine not having her to run things by and to laugh with and lean on. I can't think about that anymore!

I have so much on my mind now, and it all started with a custom-made mug tugging at my heartstrings.

everyday creativity

Creativity is part of my everyday life. I don't really notice how infused it is until I come across someone who doesn't know me well and makes comments. Most of the time, people say stuff like how amazing something I put together/arranged is, but sometimes, I get looks like I'm trying too hard. Getting snapped out of my reality to notice how I might seem weird or even strange to others is always interesting. I look around me and wonder what else might appear unique, and I feel out of place for a bit, but then get right back into the swing of creativity. There really is no other way for me to be.

go big or go home

Falling in love, no matter how slowly it may occur, is wonderful, exciting, delightful—and scary. When I was a young girl, I never would have believed my future self that love could be fear inducing; alas, here we are. And the fear is very real. It is as real as the wonder, excitement, and delight that are overwhelming my life at the moment.

What could I be afraid of is one of the big questions hanging heavily in my heart. There are so many things: heartbreak being the umbrella under which every single tiny, paranoid or well grounded, fear falls. Heartbreak is not new to me. I've known it since I was a very young girl, a child. Loss, abuse, disappointment. Then, I grew into a teenager and loved a few boys too much. As a young woman, I chose someone to make a life with, and, well, we shall just say it ended badly, very badly. This brings us up to this point, even a true point of no return to be completely honest. Maybe I should have been more afraid, but I wasn't, so here I am balancing fear of falling too much further and fear of not having what my heart is beckoning me toward.

Balance like this cannot be sustained for long though. Choices, little choices, big choices, even choices that aren't my own will lead me in one direction eventually. Quite possibly that last bit is what has me the most afraid. But I will add that I strive to not allow fear to rule my world. I have been searching my soul, and I know I will be not be content with offering half a heart. I would always wonder if fear kept me from blessings and joy.

Reader, I must admit to you that I am leaning in one direction. The best direction, if you ask me. I am bold and decisive (except about food at restaurants), and I simply cannot resist listening to my heart that keeps cheering me on with little, persistent whispers of go big or go home.

progress

Redefining what tastes good to me is one of my challenges in life.

I grew up eating whatever I want. My parents rarely, if ever, limited our sugar intake, and I have been known to refer endearingly to candy as Vitamin C. That all said, growing up (and older) is necessitating that I change if I don't want to die of heart disease and diabetes and other overindulgence-in-sugar related diseases.

What I'm striving toward is balance. I enjoy treats, so instead of going cold turkey, I keep my mind open to try to new things and get a new take on old things I already know I like—such as doughnuts.

Don't get me wrong. I still will eat a real doughnut, but I got this mini doughnut pan to see if we could get creative at home and do some replacing with healthier options. For example, I made banana bread doughnuts the other day. My banana bread recipe is reduced sugar, and it has whole wheat too.

That's just one of my adjustments. And maybe it doesn't seem like much to you. But I am proud of myself for working to change my palette. I think it's helped me to better appreciate when I do have a legit treat. And that's a serious win.

her heart

Baking—hot bread with soft butter,
Pumpkin cookies all the year round;
That's what her heart is made of.

Kindness and gift giving,
A pat on the leg while driving, the seeker of every fun thing;
That's what her heart is made of.

Music—in its many forms,
Singing, playing piano and organ, listening and singing along;
That's what her heart is made of.

Understanding and mental health days,
A trip to the movies or to get something sweet;
That's what her heart is made of.

Laughter—loud and fantastical,
Enjoying highbrow humor and sharing her incredible wit;
That's what her heart is made of.

Loving and holding her breath,
A staunch supporter of family, who flies from the sidelines;
That's what her heart is made of.

Believing—a spiritual titan,
Stalwart and true, beautiful and renewed;
That's what her heart is made of.





For my dear mother.
Sixteen years of missing you.
Til we meet again.