how humility helped me

I didn't count on my year-long quest for humility to take away my words, but that's what happened. The more I focused on becoming more humble and understanding of others, the less I talked, wrote, expressed myself in any form. I found that being quiet helps me to see where I stand and can respond to others with more understanding.

The crazy thing is I began a large writing project in the midst of this year and really got going on it, but when I realized it was not helping me attain a more humble attitude, I simple put it down. I don't know if I'll ever pick that book idea up again actually. I would have liked to tell the story, a charming and funny perspective on parts of my life (I think I might have told you about the idea actually), and I even have major rough draft of it ready, but I cannot tell if it would be worth it to me to put my mind back in that place now that I know how it affects me to tell those stories.

I want to find my future, and looking at humility straight in the face has helped me see where I want to go to find that future. It does not lie in any backstory or past person who is not present for me in the present. It does not lie in old words, old feelings, or old relationships. The future I want lies in finding a new story to tell. Even if it ends up being an old story made new, the process of it becoming new is essential for me to have what I need in my life.

I want love that heals and helps me as I know that my love does those things for others. I've had time this year to contemplate how I care for others—friends, family, and lovers. I give my whole heart to people every day, and that's not a prideful statement but one coming from keen observation and coming to understand myself. And not all people give their whole heart. I learned this lesson when a long, involved relationship ended in May. I also was able to see myself giving too much of my heart too soon with another person. I never thought there was a way to give too much, but if people don't want your love, it is too much. It has taken a lot of humility to recognize these things, and I am thankful I took time this year to examine it all.

To be humble takes a lot out of you while giving you all the more in return. I am struggling to let go of the feelings that keep me down, yet I know as I humble myself, I will be better off and more able to touch that future I hope for.

Maybe this new decade will hold what I seek.

always hopeful

Like a naïve, little child, I cry out to the Sky.
The stars acknowledge me weeping and nod in agreement.
Night turns inside out with snow falling out of respect for my tears.
Gently, softly, tenderly blanketing the earth for me
As I strain to hear angels sing and ask that they keep watch over me.
The night seems so long as I hold onto all I have ever known
No matter who has gone or who might stay.

With the heart of someone who hopes, I watch.
Dawn quietly whispers that the future is bright.
It shall be bright and ever hopeful.
It will be filled with dreams made new and plans to do
As I reach with faith everlasting and learn to let go.
The season to hope never seems to leave as I trust all I have ever known.
No matter who has gone or who might stay, I remain always hopeful.

gratefulness untold

If I could make a list of all that I am thankful for,
It would look like an endless book unbound
With sheets and sheets of people, places, and things.
If I could show you a pile of everything I love,
It would look like every single leaf in autumn
Or every snowflake ever fallen from a winter sky
Or all the flower buds and birds' nests in trees
Strewn across the world's magnificent floors.
If I could tell you in a story about everything I value,
It would look like an eternity sitting at the fireside
With friends and family and strangers
All around as we speak of goodness and knowledge
And happiness and growth as we enjoy friendship and warmth.
If I could give you a piece of all that I am thankful for,
It would not fit in all the universe,
For heaven holds even more
Than this speck of space ever could.

gratefulness: teaching

Is it weird to be thankful I am a teacher? I have always loved helping people learn, and I always thought I might become an English teacher, but now that I live this teacher life, I am thankful I am where I am. It would be wonderful to earn more for what I do, but I am exceedingly grateful to be teaching at a great school. The schedule I work blesses my family more than money ever could, so I give great thanks for where I am.

But I'm also glad to have so many nonprofessional opportunities to teach as well. There are people all around me who teach me but also let me teach them. It is a blessing to me when I have the chance to share my knowledge and lift another because of what I have learned. Sometimes, I consider how often I have the chance to teach others, and it is astonishing. Teaching is definitely one of my callings in life.

Whenever I think I might not be making a difference in life, I am often reminded of the people I help through various teaching opportunities. And it fills my soul with humble gratitude.

gratefulness: family

My family. So many people. I don't know where to begin when I think of everyone in my family who make a difference in my life, past and present. My parents, their parents, and theirs. Do I begin with the people I created, my children? The purpose and direction I have because of their existence makes my life what it is. But then I think of how my son is getting married this coming week, and I think of my future family. I think of how God answered my humble prayers and sent this sweet girl to bless my son and all of us. I consider all of the cousins who love me and help me and let me love them. There are so many people to be grateful for. I am thankful for my brothers and their families, my sisters in law and nieces and nephews. Gratitude is high for my brother who fought for our country and strives to keep going and is always my friend. I am thankful for the ancestors I never met who came across the sea long before the United States of America was even born to help forge this land and make a home for me. I am who I am because of my family, this near, far, extended, and self created family that I love.