questions of the heart

It's okay to crawl under a rock if you choose that on purpose, right? It's not giving up. It is knowing your limitations and not wanting to fall apart. Better to stay whole and under a rock than expose yourself to rejection and pain. Why did you have to fall in love with someone who doesn't want what you have to offer? 

Those were my thoughts just a few minutes ago.

Who am I anymore? I never imagined I would be the way I am now—contemplating quitting. I don't even know how to quit actually. I imagine it looks like hopelessness though, and I keep edging closer to that precipice. Even during a brutal divorce and ever brutal aftermath, I stayed true to form and have pushed through many an impossible situation.

Are you just going through rebound feelings? Is this just all in your head?? Maybe I'm not far away from this enough, nor do I want to be, but I believe I went through the naturally occurring rebound stage with someone already. I didn't even fall apart when things went haywire with my old boyfriend I was talking with for over a year. It was hard and disappointing to see how things unraveled, but it was not like this. I think it has a lot to do with the person.

Why fall apart now? Getting blindsided does strange things, I guess.

Why does this situation feel so different? It feels like I should not ever give up. Like I'd be losing a part of me that I need. It hardly makes sense when I think of my 18-year marriage and how I never had these particular thoughts after that much time. Narcissism changes things drastically from my experience.

Why did I not guard my heart better? Because I knew and still know I need to love without reserve no matter what. It would feel a bit foolish, except I know what I know deep down.

You might think this sounds lovesick and disgusting, but I've only felt sure like this a few times in my whole life. I will not doubt something that is so sure. Maybe I am being lovesick and disgusting. Maybe I am playing the part of the fool. Maybe all of the negative voices are true. But I would rather err on the side of loving too much than chance letting this vision of happiness go without properly trying. It's really all about effort. Two people choosing to make the effort it takes. That's the home I seek. Home will be in the heart of someone who shares, loves, and gives because he wants to.

Maybe I'm simply homesick for an unlocked heart, my match, an effervescent yet terrifically real love. Maybe this homesickness is the seed of my discontented heart, wanting for a gardner to dig about it and remove the bitter weeds that have sprung from neglect. Maybe I have been in long need of tender loving care from someone who chooses me. Maybe I've never had that, and living under a layer of fat and hidden behind closed doors feels safer than loving yet another person who won't love me back.

Why do I even write any of this? I write it down because I don't want to forget. In a year from now, I want to be able to measure where I was with where I am and learn something. If nothing else changes or improves, if I am still alone, I want to at least be able to evaluate the situation. Observe myself like a questioning researcher. Probably dissect myself like a third party observer with nothing to lose.

As I wrap my mind around my thoughts, I am reminded of a cliché that a friend shared with me recently in a letter: Things have a strange way of always working out. I believe that. And now with questions still waiting to be answered, I must wait to see these strange ways as everything works out.






1 comment:

  1. "Home will be in the heart of someone who shares, loves, and gives because he wants to." THIS. I think so often we ask the right questions but come up with answers that just won't work. But this is such a truth, such a necessary truth. Don't give up searching for that! But also consider that waiting in hiding makes that search pretty difficult. Thanks for sharing this.

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