surrounded



Two uncles, my great-grandmother, paternal grandmother, a dear friend and co-worker, a cousin, a neighbor who has moved away since but a twice-survivor, my next door neighbor, a sister-in-law's mother, a special someone's father and his friend, maybe now a student of mine. 

I can't take anymore. I can take it, I guess, but I don't want to take it. I don't want to be surrounded by all this suffering. I don't want to feel like I'm being prepared to handle this hitting even closer to home. The tears are bitter enough as it is loving people so much and wondering what it all has to teach me and those around me. These tears have hardly stopped today. I can't seem to turn them off. 

But here's a tough thing—knowing that we are brought to know more about ourselves and life and love and God through suffering and comforting and loving people instead of closing ourselves off. 

That's why I'll have to take more. I'd rather cry bitter tears of worry and mourning than cut myself off from loving others as much as I do. Love makes it all worth it. Love and faith get me through when hope is challenged. Hope never really goes away with me, for it reminds me that heaven isn't so far away. Maybe I just needed to write all this out to remind myself of how much comfort I am able to give and receive daily. Possibly I only needed to remember that if I can have this much love, God has even more, and everything will be okay. 

Heaven is here within the hope, faith, and charity I hold onto despite being surrounded by this thing we call cancer. 




7 comments:

  1. Somehow, we do find hope in the midst of despair, and often, it is with others at our sides. Sending peace your way, and hope.
    Kevin

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  2. "Where there is great loss, there has been great love"- the flipped of the coin of caring so much is the pain that comes when those we care about become sick. Cancer. It is just incredibly unfair and cruel. I've been following the story of the singers Rory and Joey Feek. Joey is only 40 years old, an amazing talent, beautiful, and a mom to a gorgeous little girl who happens to have Downs Syndrome and isn't even 2 years old. Joey is dying of cancer. I cannot help myself check their Facebook page everyday to get updates on her condition. They say the end is near. The pictures of her vibrant, beautiful life next to the pictures of her so frail and weak just emphasize how cruel it all is, yet their faith and love shines through each post husband Rory writes. They seem to be in a peaceful, accepting place, and even have gratitude for the many blessings they've discovered through her illness. I am in awe of the power people have to push through unimaginable pain.

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  3. You obviously have a lot of heart. Love does make it all worth it, but boy, it can be tough! Thinking of you and your beautiful words.

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  4. You obviously have a lot of heart. Love does make it all worth it, but boy, it can be tough! Thinking of you and your beautiful words.

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  5. Not many people are brave enough to have the kind of compassion you have. And it does come at a cost. I have just had a very serious cancer and I deeply appreciated those who stepped up to the plate and were able to take the journey with me. Do be careful to protect yourself, though. You need to nurture yourself when you are giving so much of yourself.

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  6. This is such a heartfelt, raw post. I am so sorry your life is so touched by this ugly disease. I'm glad you chose to write about it. We are all here to read and listen and comfort.

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  7. It can be difficult when so many you love are suffering. So glad you wrote this post. Hope on!

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