lost

I wrote it all out on the page
Even the equivalent of sheets and sheets
Yet somehow I hadn't let myself feel
The depth of what was said
Until I imagined you with another
And then . . .
Then I felt a pinch, an intangible
Yet very real, stinging pinch
That lasted all the day long until night
And it hasn't gone away even still
So lost and confused
My heart had started to beat again
And now I don't know what to think

Because of this, I fear
I fear I have set myself up
Unwittingly even though I thought
I knew what I was doing
For a fall and not into love
The fall from wishing
For too much
For something no one else wants
And now I feel silly
Like someone who doesn't know their place
Like a fish out of water
But the only problem is that I'm not a fish
And I think I've forgotten how to swim

I feel so lost and insecure
There is no place for me
Nowhere to put these feelings
Except into words on a page
For me to recognize their depth
At a later date and time
Because I just don't seem to get it
Living in a dream state of musical delight
That turns into nightmares at the flip of a switch
And I can't take another step
Unless I know I can find home
In the dark with no flashlight
Tripping along this path